Caption Contest Winners!

Did anyone know that John Kerry is an exercise fanatic? He’s a runner. He runs for the Presidency, he runs away from his Senate record, he runs away from his anti-war activities, he runs in circles on policy … no wonder the man is a lean, mean, (non)fighting machine!

Gerry from Daly Thoughts guest-judged your entries in this week’s Captain’s Caption Contest, and boy, did he ever have a tough job — 195 entries came in, almost a CQ record! After much thought and a few bribes, Gerry has the winners:
Captain’s Award (The Perfect Record) – Swede:
And here comes the challenger now, Bob, with a record of no wins, no losses, and one hundred and thirty-seven no decisions.
You Have The Conn #1 (It Explains His Senate Election) – Kenny:
That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d just run across Plymouth County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I’d just run across the great state of Massachusetts. And that’s what I did. I ran clear across Massachusetts. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going. When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. When I had to go… you know… I went.
You Have The Conn #2 (Hi-Yooooh!) — RightWingDuck:
Welcome to Campaign in Flames. Here’s your host.. Joooooooooohn Kerry!
You Have The Conn #3 (What Every Democrat Is Thinking Now) – Noodles:
Hey Monty, I wish I would have picked what was behind curtain #3 instead!
Report To Sick Bay (The European Influence Redux) – Frenchy Bear Paux:
I know my campaign lacks energy, but what the hell was I thinking when I agreed to that “espresso-enema” this morning? ZOOOOOM….
Thanks to everyone who entered, and congratulations to the winners! Remember, here at CQ, everyone’s a winner — just some of us have higher winning percentages than others. Comments on this post will remain open, as usual, in order for the winners to gloat, the others to disparage Gerry’s intellect and/or my parentage, and for any other entries submitted just for the sheer enjoyment of amazing your friends and confounding your enemies. And don’t forget to check out Gerry’s great blog, too!
Send me a photograph or an e-mail with a link to a great picture you think should be the subject of our next Caption Contest, and let me know if you’d like to be the guest judge!

Caption Contest #27: Final Sprint Edition

It’s Friday, so it must be time for another Captain’s Caption Contest! The contest has been a long-running feaure on CQ now, but not as long-running as this presidential campaign has been. Of course, some people got off to a quicker start than others. Here’s one who looks like he missed the starter’s gun and has some distance to make up:

Guest judging the contest this week will be Gerry from Daly Thoughts, a terrific blog. As always, put your best caption entries in the comments section — NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be scanned the Abilene Kinko’s, faxed to CBS News, and used to slander Harold Stassen.) The contest will remain open until 6 PM Sunday, September 19th, at which point the comments will be closed and Gerry will pick the winners.
Let the games begin!
BUMP 9/18: Hey, don’t forget to tune us in on the Northern Alliance Radio Network, which starts at noon CT …

Caption Contest Winners!

So, this time I put myself as the big victim of the Caption Contest, and I learned a little something about CQ’s readers.
You guys are brutal.
No wonder I like you!
Now that Steve has returned from his two days in training for his job, he’s ready to pick the winners of last week’s contest. Just to remind everyone of the sex machine at the heart of this effort, here’s the picture you all pilloried:

Here are the winners!
Captain’s Award (Good News/Bad News Dept.) – Warren Meyer:
To: Cialis customer support
I am writing because of the warning on your site. It has been well over 4 hours since I took your product and I still cannot stand up without embarassment…
You Have The Conn #1 (Perfect Timing) – Dan The Man:
Okay, that looks good. Now all I need is Rather’s email address.
BBWHWAAAAHWHAAAA!
You Have The Conn #2 (Nice Nice Baby) – Somsy:
Vanilla Ice of the Blogosphere shunned by hardcore blogheads.
You Have The Conn #3 (The Real Life) – Tropean:
“Is it spelled Paris like the city?”
Report to Sick Bay (If It’s Not Close …) – The Elder:
Ohhh…(sigh) Hugh’s butt is simply sublime in those
wrinkle free Dockers.
Thanks to everyone who entered, and congratulations to the winners! Remember, here at CQ, everyone’s a winner — just some of us have higher winning percentages than others. Comments on this post will remain open, as usual, in order for the winners to gloat, the others to disparage Steve’s intellect and/or my parentage, and for any other entries submitted just for the sheer enjoyment of amazing your friends and confounding your enemies.
Send me a photograph or an e-mail with a link to a great picture you think should be the subject of our next Caption Contest, and let me know if you’d like to be the guest judge!

Caption Contest #26: The Buck Stops Here Edition

It’s Friday, so it must be time for another edition of the Captain’s Caption Contest! Since I’ve managed to mess up the timing of the last couple of Caption Contests, I’ve decided to give John Kerry a rest for this week and take the shots myself. (Besides, his week’s going so bad that I don’t think we could possibly provide captions that adequately describes the meltdown!) Here’s my picture from our hometown newspaper, the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, which accompanied this article on my RNC blogging:
cptned.jpg
In order to pre-empt an entire series of attacks from one of our regular contributors (and to help promote his book again), this week’s guest judge will be Steve Filippini. Steve wrote a hilarious book about his experiences as a technician for alarm companies, so get yourself a copy and check it out! As always, put your best caption entries in the comments section — NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be recreated in Word to look like 30-year-old memos and given to CBS News to discredit Oliver Willis.) The contest will remain open until 8 pm Sunday, September 12th, at which point the comments will be closed and Steve will pick the winners.
Let the games begin!
BUMP 9/10: Wow, you guys are brutal — but then again, I have a masochistic streak. And Admiral Emeritus, you’re balder than I am …
BUMP 9/11: Great entries so far — the Northern Alliance guys were sharpening their pencils, so expect to see some truly brutal entries soon. Keep checking back, and enter as often as you like! …

Caption Contest Winners, Finally!

Rule #1: Don’t have a Caption Contest that finishes on a travel day. Rule #2: Have e-mail backed up before laptop crashes, taking with it the list of winners. Rule #3 … well, I’m sure if I look around, I can find Rule #3. Anyway, thanks to Bear’s e-mail getting rediscovered on my replacement laptop and the patience of all those who entered, I finally have an opportunity to present you with the winners! Since everyone’s probably forgotten the picture from two weeks ago, here’s a reminder — a strangely unsettling reminder:

Here are the winners!
Captain’s Award (Watch Your Back ‘Cause They’ll Turn on You) – Retired Military:
John Kerry on Nov 3rd
“Theresa, does this mean I won’t get to ride on Air Force One?”
“Shut up, John. And oh yeah, I filed for divorce, Mr. War Hero.”
You Have The Conn #1 (In Touch With Joe Average) – Kris:
“Hey, you! Yeah, you! Jet needs a wash ‘n’ wax. And pronto, or I’ll sic Edwards on you!”
You Have The Conn #2 (Twisting History Into Current Events) – Famousmort:
Senator Kerry, shown here, demonstrates how he won the gold in javelin throw at the 1980 Olympics…
You Have The Conn #3 (Rich Corinthian Let-Her, or Best Star Trek Reference) – Phil Smith:
From hell’s heart I stab at thee…For hate’s sake… I spit my last breath at thee!
Ahhhhh, who’m I kidding. I need the money.
Report To Sick Bay (You’ve Been Sick Since The 70s) – JBlake:
[Bear says: The “National Lampoon: That’s Not Funny, That’s Sick” Award goes to (think of the album cover on this one)]
Hey buddy! Yeah you, sky cap! Max Cleland could use a little help getting out of the cargo hold.
Ubiquitous Hitchcock Cameo Award – Mojo:
“I swear to god, if she makes that damn joke ONE MORE TIME, this is gonna turn into a Hitchcock movie.
SCREE! SCREE! SCREE!….”
Thanks to everyone who entered, and congratulations to the winners! Remember, here at CQ, everyone’s a winner — just some of us have higher winning percentages than others. Comments on this post will remain open, as usual, in order for the winners to gloat, the others to disparage Bear’s intellect and/or my parentage, and for any other entries submitted just for the sheer enjoyment of amazing your friends and confounding your enemies.
As I mentioned, your donations continue to flow into the tipjars set up to help me defray the costs of attending the Republican National Convention, and they are much appreciated.
Send me a photograph or an e-mail with a link to a great picture you think should be the subject of our next Caption Contest, and let me know if you’d like to be the guest judge! I’ll have another picture for tomorrow — so be sure to come back then for the next contest.

Captain’s Caption Contest #25: Watch Your Back Edition

It’s Friday, so it must be time for another edition of the Captain’s Caption Contest! We’re about to come into the home stretch of the presidential campaign, where tempers get short and stress begins to show. And that’s just among the talking heads at CNBC! Just imagine what it’s like for the actual candidates. In fact, you don’t need to imagine at all:
Tony Hopkins For President!
Guest judging the contest this week will be Bear, a CQ reader and commenter who sent me a slew of pics this week and all of them could have worked. As always, put your best caption entries in the comments section — NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be typed as journal entries at Sa Dec and run across the Cambodian border in a magic hat.) The contest will remain open until noon Sunday [my travel day to New York!], August 29th, at which point the comments will be closed and Bear will pick the winners.
In the meantime, if you enjoy the contests and the blog, consider dropping in a donation for Captain’s Quarters trip to New York as a credentialed blogger at the Republican National Convention. (And huge thanks to all who have already contributed!) Just click on one of the buttons below and donate whatever you can to the cause — all donations are cheerfully and gratefully accepted!









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Let the games begin!
BUMP 8/28: I think we’ve already broken a record for entries, and we’re only halfway through the contest period! Bear, hope you don’t mind being buried in work Sunday afternoon …
COMMENTS CLOSED: About 25 minutes early, but I have to shut down for the trip to New York. Big record this week for the Caption Contest — 220 entries! Best of luck to Bear in picking the winners …

Caption Contest #24 Winners!

I think that one of the oddest American holidays is Groundhog Day (although at least it inspired Bill Murray’s best movie). How in the world did anyone come up with the notion that groundhogs come up to check for shadows and disappear in a hole for six weeks if they see one? It just doesn’t make any sense … unless you’re a political candidate whose past may catch up with you on the trail:
Six More Weeks Of Stonewalling?
Marc from Cranial Cavity has checked out the multitude of outstanding photo captions from this weekend’s Captain’s Caption Contest and selected the winners! (Thank goodness.) Here are the winners:
Captain’s Award (Behind The Scenes Look) – Bear:
‘Go mirrors, go smoke! Go smoke! I don’t see anything happening. Go smoke! Go smoke! Go smoke! Standby lawyers. Keep coming,
527s. More attacks. Bring it- smoke, smoke, smoke! We want mirrors, tons of them. Bring them down. Let them all come. No integrity. No integrity yet.
‘No honesty. All right, go smoke, go mirrors. We need more smoke. All smoke! All mirrors! Keep going! Come on, guys, lets move it.
Jeez! We need more smoke. I want all smoke to go, g-dammit. Go lawyers. Go lawyers. More lawyers. I want more smoke. What’s happening to the smoke? We need more smoke.
‘We need all of them coming down. Go smoke- smoke? What’s happening lawyers? There’s not enough BS coming down! All smoke, what the hell! My polls are falling! What the f–k are you guys doing up there? We want more smoke coming down, more mirrors. More smoke. More mirrors’…
You Have The Conn #1 (Misunderstanding The Little People) – Brian:
“John Kerry creates a “Mini-Me” to appeal to the underrepresented “under 48 inch” constituency.”
You Have The Conn #2 (It’s Everywhere You Go) – J Blake:
A George Hamilton tan from a day of wind surfing…..$260
A GQ hair style from a personal stylist with 10,000 air miles….$1200
A left leaning media with its head in the sand…priceless.
You Have The Conn #3 (O’Neill’s Silver [And Bronze] Hammer) – Mike G:
“Democrat Presidential nominee, Senator John F. Kerry (file photo, right) is shown after getting “whack-a-moled” by the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.”
Report To Sick Bay (On The Double) – Randy:
[Ed note — Quote corrected by Randy to reflect the proper color of Viagra — Seems he entered the contest — before entering the contest!
“Remember me? I ran for the Presidency of the United States back in 2004. I’m a highly-decorated Vietnam war veteran, but whether you have three purple hearts, a bronze star, or even a silver star, be sure and ask your doctor about the little blue pill — Viagra. It works for me, and in my situation that’s important.”
Special Award for entry into INDC Journal’s “Moonbat Research Project.” – Shark:
Through use of a sophisticated camera and mirror system, we are able to present to you a rare look at Waffleus Flipfloppus in it’s natural habitat, hiding from the truth.
Waffelus was once thought to be found in Cambodia, but that myth has been dispelled. The distinguishing characteristics of Waffelus
include impeccable coiffed grey hair, an extra large mouth so it can speak out of both sides, and an attitude of arrogance. This rare breed puts on a great threat display (“Bring it on!”) but quickly falls into whiny anger when actually confronted.
Contrary to reports, Waffelus does NOT eat lowbrow foods like cheeseburgers and fries, preferring to dine on gourmet foods like stuffed wrapped chicken and lobster florentine in the privacy of his campaign bus. When it comes to mating, is constantly on the go, always looking for a mate with richer plumage than the one he currently has.
Though these creatures can survive for up to 30 years in the do nothing confines of the Senate, their shelf life on the national scene is considerably shorter, a mere few months.
Can often been seen in the company of Bloodsuckus Legalis, the common trial lawyer.
Thanks to everyone who entered, and congratulations to the winners! Remember, here at CQ, everyone’s a winner — just some of us have higher winning percentages than others. Comments on this post will remain open, as usual, in order for the winners to gloat, the others to disparage Marc’s intellect and/or my parentage, and for any other entries submitted just for the sheer enjoyment of amazing your friends and confounding your enemies. And don’t forget to check out Marc’s blog!
As I mentioned, your donations continue to flow into the tipjars set up to help me defray the costs of attending the Republican National Convention, and they are much appreciated. You raised about $250 more this past week. I’m extremely grateful, and I hope to give everyone their money’s worth when I’m at Madison Square Garden for the show. The tipjars will remain on the left sidebar until the convention.
Send me a photograph or an e-mail with a link to a great picture you think should be the subject of our next Caption Contest, and let me know if you’d like to be the guest judge! I’ll have another picture for Friday — so be sure to come back then for the next contest.

Caption Contest #23 Winners!

Like I told you when this edition of the contest opened, blogging is like politics — it’s a tough balancing act. When something trips you up, like a guest-judging mixup, it’s hard to keep your balance! One man who may understand that better than anyone this month may be this guy:
Tip Toe Through The Train Tracks
One week late, here are the winners, this time chosen by myself:
Captain’s Award (Seared Edition) – Retired Military:
“Back when I was a boy, I used to go where the railroad was being built near my home and bring water to the Chinese laborers. That memory is seared, seared, into me”
“Pssst Pssst Senator Kerry, Chinese laborers havent worked on the railroad for 60 years before you were born”
“I’m sorry, my speechwriteers handed me the wrong speech. Why back when I was a boy, I used to go where the railroad was being built near my home and bring water to the labor union members who were building it. Why that is where I first learned how to use a sledgehammer. That memory is seared, seared into me.”
You Have The Conn #1 (Something’s Missing) – Stephen Macklin:
I’m John Kerry, and I Have No Platform
(stolen from here, as he admits)
You Have The Conn #2 (Vintage Campaign Advertising) – Shark:
(sung to the Good-n-Plenty song)
Kerry’s Lying!
Kerry’s Lying!
Kerry’s Lying!
Kerry’s Lying!
Johnny Kerry was a swift boateer-
Said he was in Cambodia, but he was only “near”
He was taking CIA men on a secret jungle run
But he had a lucky hat to make sure the job got done.
Johnny Sez: “That Memory is Seared!”
Johnny Sez: “Nixon told a lie!”
Johnny Sez: “That memory is seared
But he wasn’t in Cambodia, he was only near.
Kerry’s lying!
Kerry’s lying!
Kerry’s lying!
Kerry’s lying!……….
You Have The Conn #3 (Bronze Star, er, Medal) – Doppelganglander:
“With the Olympic games opening in Athens this week, I am reminded of my experiences competing on the balance beam for the U.S. gymnastics team. It was the 1968 games in Cambodia, and the event is seared — seared in my memory.”
Report To Sick Bay (Or The Detox Center) – Mike G:
With another sly signal reminiscent of his Puff the Magic Dragon sing along, John Kerry demonstrates that he thinks he knows how to do a line.
Thanks to everyone who entered, and congratulations to the winners! Remember, here at CQ, everyone’s a winner — just some of us have higher winning percentages than others. Comments on this post will remain open, as usual, in order for the winners to gloat, the others to disparage my intellect and/or my parentage, and for any other entries submitted just for the sheer enjoyment of amazing your friends and confounding your enemies.
As I mentioned, your donations continue to flow into the tipjars set up to help me defray the costs of attending the Republican National Convention, and they are much appreciated. You raised about $250 more this past week. I’m extremely grateful, and I hope to give everyone their money’s worth when I’m at Madison Square Garden for the show. The tipjars will remain on the left sidebar until the convention.
Send me a photograph or an e-mail with a link to a great picture you think should be the subject of our next Caption Contest, and let me know if you’d like to be the guest judge! I’ll have another picture for Friday — so be sure to come back then for the next contest.

Captain’s Caption Contest #24: Kerry Undercover

It’s Friday (evening), so it must be (past) time for another edition of the Captain’s Caption Contest! I had difficulty finding our usual subject this week, since he seemed to drop off the face of the earth, until he finally popped his head up like a prairie dog to call his fellow Viet Nam combat veterans a bunch of liars. I did find this rare picture of John Kerry, hiding out:
Is This Cambodia?
Guest judging this week will be Marc from Cranial Cavity, or at least we hope he will! As always, put your best caption entries in the comments section — NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be typed as journal entries at Sa Dec and run across the Cambodian border in a magic hat.) The contest will remain open until 8 pm Sunday, August 22nd, at which point the comments will be closed and Marc will pick the winners.
In the meantime, if you enjoy the contests and the blog, consider dropping in a donation for Captain’s Quarters trip to New York as a credentialed blogger at the Republican National Convention. (And huge thanks to all who have already contributed!) Just click on one of the buttons below and donate whatever you can to the cause — all donations are cheerfully and gratefully accepted!









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Click Here to Pay Learn More


Let the games begin!
BUMP 8/21: Great start! …
COMMENTS CLOSED: Marc, it’s all yours!

Last Week’s Caption Contest Update …

I hear you clamor for the results, and the truth is that we had a disconnect with the guest judge, to no one’s fault. I will judge the entries myself and post the winners tomorrow before our radio show. I apologize for not having the time this week to catch up to it, but between working and blogging for content (and the Bush rally), I just ran out of resources.
I will not be delaying this week’s contest, of course … as you will see!
UPDATE: Well, perhaps a little delayed, but it will be up by evening. I elected to run with the new Magic PCF story instead and ran out of time.