Another sign of the impending Apocalypse -- American parents are naming their offspring after commercial products:

According to Social Security Administration research, out of the 4 million babies born nationwide in 2000, 55 Chevys, six Timberlands and seven DelMontes are about to enter preschool.

And that's just the boys. Let's not forget the girls. Consider the 25 Infinitis, five Celicas, 164 Nauticas, 298 Armanis and 21 L'Oreals who turn 3 this year.

Can our obsession with consumerism get any more crass? Can we possibly exhibit any more of American materialism than to name our own children after automobiles, cosmetics, and -- unbelievably -- cable television sports networks?

So much for the little boy in Texas whose parents named their son ESPN (pronounced Espen). As far as Evans knows, only two babies in 2000 were named after a sports network. The other ESPN was reportedly born in Michigan a few months before.

"What a lovely baby you have! What's her name?"

"Comedy Channel!"

"Ah .. uh ... why such a ... unique name?"

"She makes us laugh sometimes, but mostly she just regurgitates."

I don't know if these people ever read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but folks, the Ford Prefect character was supposed to be ironic. If you ever introduce me to your child, and his name is Ramses or Trojan, don't be offended if I laugh in your face.

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