The judge has made the selections for this week's Captain's Caption Contest! Cameron Wood, the writer of the fine blog Way Off Bass, has had to wade through a number of excellent entries (and some non-judge voting, for that matter!) in order to come up with these great winners.

Just to refresh everyone's memory first, here's the picture:

Captain's Award (Goin' Large) -- Thief:

"This is John. John recently talked to his doctor about Enzyte, the once a day pill for natural male enhancement. Now John has a fresh burst of confidence, rising poll numbers, and a very happy missus on the campaign trail."

You Have The Conn #1 (People's Choice Award) - Wacky Hermit:

"In an effort to show his multilateralism through solidarity with the Iraqi insurgents, John Kerry demonstrates the technique of using women as human shields." (a special good luck to the very-much-ready-to-give-birth Wacky Hermit!)

You Have The Conn #2 (Me ... and my ATM) -- LRFD:

"Presidential candidate John Kerry discovers that if he squeezes his wife hard enough, money pops out."

You Have The Conn #3 (His Life, Not Mine) -- Mattezuma:

"If I win I get my own interns? Bill was telling me how great they are!"

The Hills Are Alive, With Bastardized Music (in the Sick Bay) -- Retired Military:

to the tune of "American Pie"

A long, long time ago,
I can still remember
How tax hikes used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could make the welfare recipients dance
And maybe they'd be happy for a while

But global warming made me shiver,
With every promise I'd deliver
Bad news on the doorstep,
Higher poll numbers from brother Jeb

I can't remember if I cried
When I read about how Benvenista lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day my presidency died

(the rest is in the extended entry -- he actually wrote all eight verses)

Thanks to everyone who entered, and congratulations to the winners! Remember, here at CQ, everyone's a winner -- just some of us have higher winning percentages than others. Comments on this post will remain open, as usual, in order for the winners to gloat, the others to disparage Cameron's intellect and/or my parentage, and for any other entries submitted just for the sheer enjoyment of amazing your friends and confounding your enemies. Don't forget to visit Way Off Bass, too!

Send me a photograph or an e-mail with a link to a great picture you think should be the subject of our next Caption Contest, and let me know if you'd like to be the guest judge! I'll have another picture for Friday -- so be sure to come back then for the next contest.

*Chorus*

So bye, bye Kerry’s Presidency
Drove his SUV to the French Riveeeriaeeee
And them good old boys had Cognac in them
Singing if only those voters had chosen Dem
Kerry would be Pres instead of him

Did you write the Harris poll
And do you have faith in AlGore
If the DNC tells you so?
Now, do you believe in taxing more
Can John McCain save your mortal soul
And can you teach me to nuance real slow?

Well, I know the public is in love with him
'Cause I saw the soldiers cheering in the gym
Everyone kicked off their shoes,
Man they dig ribs and bbq!

I was a lonely Senate smuck
With a NOW button and a Suburban truck
But I knew that I was out of luck
The day the my presidency died

I started singing

*Chorus*

Now for thirty years I’ve been out of Vietnam,
And Swift boat captains dropped the truth bomb
But that's not how it used to be
When I testified before the Senate Committee
About atrocities and my fellow recruits
I tossed my ribbons and my medals too

And while Howard Dean was looking down,
I stole his nomination crown
Congress was adjourned,
No sixty voters were returned

And while Bill read "My Life" on a lark,
And Nadar practiced in the park
We all sang “Hail Mother Russia” in the dark
The day the my presidency died

We were singing

*Chorus*

Saddam confessed in the summer swelter
WMD came out of the fall out shelter
Ten tons of Sarin and mustard gas
It made me look like an ass
The DNC tried for a Toricelli pass
While I was in the polls and fading fast

Now, the October air had a foul perfume
While Osama was caught singing a tune
We all cried "This was a staged surprise",
Oh, but we never got the polls to rise
'Cause the voters went to the polls
Elected Conservatives by the droves
Do you recall what was revealed
The day my presidency died?

We started singing

*Chorus*

Oh, and there we were in Boston city
A generation lost in obscurity
With no time left to start again
So come on, Bill be nimble,
Bill be quick
Hillary get off that Senate stick
Because the left is the devil's only friend

Oh, and as I watched Bush on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
No flip flop or lie that I could tell
Could break that Texan's spell

And as the blue states numbers climbed high in the night
To give rise to the Conservative right
I saw Hillary laughing with such delight
Saying “There's always 08 for me”

She was singing

*Chorus*

I saw Teresa singing the blues
And I asked her for some happy news...
But she served the divorce papers and turned away
I went down to Moveon.org
Where I'd heard the lies for months before
But George Soros said “Why dont you just go away”

And in France, Chirac just screamed
The terrorists cried and Michael Moore schemed
But not a word was spoken
All their hopes had been broken

And the three men I admire most
Fidel, Kim Il Sung and Stalin's ghost
They caught the last train for the coast
The day my presidency died

And they were singing

Bye, bye Kerry’s Presidency
Drove his SUV to the French Riveeeriaeeee
And them good old boys had Cognac in them
Singing if only those voters had chosen Dem
Kerry would be Pres instead of him

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Tracked on June 23, 2004 3:30 AM