Captain's Quarters Blog

« Will Tim Robbins And Susan Sarandon Condemn This? | Main | "I Gave It To Them" »

September 18, 2004
The Road Less Graveled

(A down home message for Dan Rather in the colorful Texas idiom he so loves, from a CQ reader in the Lone Star State. UPDATE: Thanks to Leaddog, I'll note that this appeared in American Thinker, a great blog, which Russ forgot to mention ...)

Yall know what we all been thinkin out here in Texas, Dan, since you started all this foolishness? We think yall been pissin down our necks an tellin us its rain for so long that you boys done got to believin it yourselves. Heck, we think maybe you been back East so long you got yourself thinkin us folks out here couldnt hit sand if we fell off our horses; couldnt hit water if we fell outta the boat. Danged if you aint been treatin us like you think we got squirrels swimmin in our gene pools or sumthin. You need to remind yourself that a tree dont ever get too big for a short dog to lift his leg on, Dan.

Bout them documents bein genuine; well, hells-bells, Danny Boy, Grannies glasses are so thick, when she looks at a bare wall she sees folks wavin at her, an even she can tell them memos are bout as phony as hips on a rattlesnake. Were startin to think your brain done got harder than a woodpeckers lips if you cant see that. As far as that story bout George an his National Guard duty, looks to us like youre tryin to put wheels on a cow an call it a dairy truck. Then you go pokin up her butt hopin youre gonna find ice cream. Besides, ever time you durn fools put that picture of young George in his flyboy outfit on the TeeVee, ol Jane Fonda loses another herd of her Vagina Voters. Hell, Charlene says that sweet boys purtier than my new tangerine metalflake bass boat.

Well, Danny, you still aint lost all your redneck habits; you boys took one pickup load to the dump an come back with two. Dadgummit, Dan, where you gittin all this stuff? You been callin some kinda mystery numbers that ol boy, whatsisname, Kenneth, is bringin you offa bathroom walls at truck stops? Somethin you oughta be worryin about, Danny Boy: you know how the boys say when you go on a hunt always make sure to save a round for your huntin guide? Like if he dont find nuthin else for you to shoot? You suppose any a them rich, fancy-shmancy, New York dudes you work for ever been on a hunt and heard that, Dan, hmmm?

You know how you always been fond a sayin you feel like a long tailed cat in a room full a rockin chairs? Well, seems to us like youre startin to look more like the ground floor tenant in a two-story outhouse. Yeah, for sure you aint lookin like the tallest hog at the trough no more. Why, we bet you got yourself wired so tight right now that if we stuck a chunk a coal up your butt itd come out a diamond in about five minutes. Last time we seen you on TeeVee your smile looked like Charlenes little ol chihuahua dog that time he bit down on one a them ol yeller-jacket wasps; you know, kinda like that look a feller gets when he squats with his spurs on.

An about your boss, that city slicker fella, Johnnie Klein, the one said somethin bout all us sittin out here in our long johns? Well were gonna give him some advice so good he can take it out back an bury it in a Mason jar. You see, the fact is, Danny Boy, now that all us earthworms is gittin guns, you big birds is gonna have to be more careful bout where youre peckin. Somebody needs to tell that dude, Klein, that his cage may still be turnin but his squirrels done died. Course, maybe the boy cant help hisself; it might run in the family, you know, generic. We heard tell when he was born his ol momma carried the little feller around upside down for a whole year wonderin why he only had one eye.

Yeah them ol boys up there at Power Line done gone an slapped you dudes nekkid an hid your clothes. Them blogger cats watched you fellers jump in that ol litter box an they just flat covered you up, quicker n slicker than WD 40 on a doorknob. Yeah you boys done gone skinny dippin in a pond full a snappin turtles. Looks like them broadcastin geniuses at CBS done let them yeller-dog Democrats talk you inta sellin your mule so you could buy a plow. When you crawled into the sack with little Miss McCauliffe you done got yourself a real ugly bed partner there, Dan, like a real three-bagger, I mean. You know the drill: one bag over her head, one over yours and one over the dogs sos at least hell have some respect for you come mornin.

Before all yall up there at CBS go tryin to saddle up another hog for a quarter horse race, you need to think about this: us ol boys out here know a keyboard aint where you hang the pickup keys and a byte aint what Bubbas pit bull did to Cousin Billy; we know modem aint what we did when the weeds got up to the porch and digital aint countin on our fingers, least not any more. Yeah, we done got ourselves a dog in this fight, a bloggin pit bull, Dan Boy, an hes justa slobberin for another big ol bite of Liberal blubber butt. Didnt your ol daddy ever tell you that you aint never gonna be the brightest bulb on the tree if you go huntin bobcats with a BB gun?

But cheer up, Dan, maybe one a these days all you pointy-headed, liberal, media fellers will see the light. Course, seeins where yall seem to be keepin them pointy heads, itll probly be one a them there things the doctors use.

Whatcha call em, proctoscopes?

Russ Vaughn

A Texan

P.S. Charlene says to tell you dont even think about comin back to Texas. Way folks out here feel, youd have to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get a dog to play with you. Well, and maybe Mollie Ivins.

Sphere It Digg! View blog reactions
Posted by Ed Morrissey at September 18, 2004 10:39 PM

Trackback Pings

TrackBack URL for this entry is

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference The Road Less Graveled:

» This is Great! from Onionwrench
Captain's Quarters posted this gem yesterday. As a fan and overuser of "Southernisms" myself, I found it absolutely hilarious! [Read More]

Tracked on September 19, 2004 4:16 PM

» Down home and personal advice to Dan Rather from No Illusions
Russ e-mailed it to me earlier, and I'm just getting around to passing it along tonight. The whole enchilada is already up at Captain's Quarters and American Thinker, so I'll just give you a few highlights: The Road Less Graveled (A ... [Read More]

Tracked on September 21, 2004 3:16 AM

Design & Skinning by:
m2 web studios

blog advertising


Proud Ex-Pat Member of the Bear Flag League!