Just when I think I've seen everything that the Minnesota Vikings can do to look stupid -- from taking a knee in a championship game and thereby neutralizing the league's most potent offense, to a star athlete walking off the field before a game had been decided, to a coach that ran his own Super Bowl ticket-scalping syndicate that exploited Vikings players for his own profit -- this morning's news reminds me that true stupidity plumbs its own new depths every day. The Vikings' leading rusher ran afoul of airport security three weeks ago with a kit to beat NFL drug tests featuring some interesting prosthetics:

The NFL was considering whether to penalize Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smith after it was revealed he was caught at the Twin Cities airport with an elaborate contraption designed to beat drug tests.

A search of a bag Smith was carrying April 21 turned up several vials of dried urine and a device called "The Original Whizzinator," which includes a fake penis, bladder and athletic supporter. An NFL spokesman said using the device during a drug test would be a violation of league drug policies, but it wasn't clear whether there were penalties for possessing one outside of a testing situation.

Airport police took an interest in Smith's possessions because the urine powder looked like cocaine, according to a police report of the April 21 incident, first reported in Wednesday's Star Tribune. Smith told police the dried urine was for his cousin. Smith was briefly questioned and then released.

He carried around a fake penis for his cousin? Puh-leeeze. Smith missed the first four games of last season because he failed his second drug test in as many seasons. He got kicked out of Tennessee because he Volunteered to smoke weed rather than focus on his game. Now he's carrying around The Original Whizzinator for a "cousin". If the NFL buys that one, I have some swampland in Southern California where we can build a stadium for the next expansion team.

At least Onterrio Smith plays for the right coach and the right team. Compared to Rundown Randy Moss and Mike "The Bald Scalper" Tice, a urine-faking dildo hardly seems like a problem at all.

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» Hold your own from Wigderson Library & Pub
Here's a piece of advice, if you are trying to beat the NFL drug tests, ship the fake penis and dried urine separately when you travel. Apparently, dried urine looks like cocaine to your average airport screener. [Read More]

Tracked on May 12, 2005 11:38 AM

» FOOTBALL: Caught Red-. . . from Baseball Crank
There certainly should be a punishment for this. I share Ed Morrissey's skepticism that a man would carry this thing for another man. via Off Wing Opinion... [Read More]

Tracked on May 12, 2005 9:48 PM