After long consultations between the Captain and the Commissar, with liberal quantities of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum and Stolichnaya to assist in deliberations, we're ready to announce the results of the CQ Caption Contest for this classic John Kerry pin-up (suitable for framing):

We both were impressed by the number and quality of the entries, and we thank you all. But we had to narrow it down, and so ...

To start, we'll let the Commissar cover the Caption category:

"The Party has determined that the following winning contest entrant has
been awarded Hero of Soviet Union. Three other entrants have earned Hero
of Socialist Labor - 2nd Class. All other entrants will be shot. Losing
entrants may appeal the Politburo decision after their execution."

Hmmm ... let me know if you want the appeal form, 'k?

Hero of Soviet Union: Pile On.

"Put that lighter back in your pocket you stupid redneck, I DON'T EFFIN KNOW FREEBIRD!"

Hero of Socialist Labor, 2nd Class: Mary

"Hang down your head, John Kerry,..."

Hero of Socialist Labor, 2nd Class: Brian

"You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in, and you shake it all about.

You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, you put your left foot in, and you shake it all about."

Hero of Socialist Labor, 2nd Class: Greyhawk

"Well it's 1, 2, 3, what are we fightin' for?
Don't ask me I don't give a damn...
Next stop is V-8-Nam..."

For the Lyrics Award, I decided to focus on original lyrics, although the Commissar considered all entries for the Caption Award. (Several of you have obviously seen Animal House, and that song cracked me up -- thanks for the flashback.) I won't reprint all of the lyrics here or this would get way too long, but they're in the comments on the original post.

Captain's Favorite: Trainwreck, "Kerryville"

You Have The Conn #1: JarheadDad, "Mekong Cowboy"
You Have The Conn #2: Cassandra, "Turn Turn Turn (And Keep Turning)"
You Have The Conn #3: Bryan, "Long-Faced, Wafflin', Ketchup-Covered Blues"

There's one more award I have to give, as one entry required it:

Report to Sick Bay (On the Double): Jon Henke, "Kerry On My Wayward Run"

Here's why:

"Kerry on my Wayward Run. There'll be peace when I am done. Lay this weary war to rest We won't fight no more. No!

Take it, Cleland! Drum solo!

....What? Oh. Uh, sorry about that, big guy.

Duuuuude ....

Thanks again for joining in the fun! The comments will be open on this post for your appeals (if you dare), disagreements, new contributions for general fun, and so on.

UPDATE: You should check out this entry at Aaron's Rantblog, who I just added to the blogroll. Those Sponge Monkeys get around, man ...

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