Caption Contests Archives

March 9, 2004

Friday Photo Caption Contest!

It's time for the weekly Photo Caption Contest, and The Patriette has found a doozy for you. Put your crafty minds to this picture: Put your best quip in the comments, but beware; our previous winner, Bryan, later complained of painful swelling of the ego and difficulty getting his head to fit through doorways! Comments will close on Tuesday, March 9th, at 6 pm CT, when The Patriette and I will carefully select the winner. UPDATE: Time to get your entries in, if you haven't already done so! I'll keep the comments open until 8 PM CST, as I'm not likely to have Internet access at 6 pm anyway ... UPDATE II: Comments closed! Going to the judges' scorecards ......

March 10, 2004

Caption Contest: By The Dawn's Early Light

The results are in for the weekly Photo Caption Contest! The Patriette, at the twilight's last gleaming, began the laborious process of weeding through the 62 outstanding entries in the comments section. These, then, are the winning entries that the rockets' red glare and bombs bursting in air give proof are still there: Patriette Missile Award -- Cassandra: Edwards: "Well... if you're sure this will win over the Log Cabin Republicans..." The Patriette's Star-Spangled Banter Award (for the most creative dialogue used as a caption) -- Don: (for those who remember the old Saturday morning 'Justice League' superhero cartoon): Both: "Wonder twin powers activated!" Kerry: "Form of: A Presidential Candidate" Edwards: "Wait! I wanted to be the Presidential Candidate!" 1st Runner-Up -- Bryan: The attached-at-the-brain Democratic candidates were separated after a long, grueling procedure that led to one's demise and the other suffering from schizophrenia and delusions of grandeur. 2nd...

March 16, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #3!

Despite what you read about him in the papers, John Kerry is rumored to be quite a sport -- in fact, Captain's Quarters has a picture of Kerry in his element, obviously a master at the game: Yes, Kerry is a true New England Patriot ... make sure you note that the Captain put that in writing, too. Why don't you put your caption on this photograph in the comments section? The contest is open until Tuesday at 6 pm CT, and enter as often as you like. This week, we actually have a prize besides the admiration of your friends and the envy of your enemies! My best friend, Steve Filippini, has recently self-published a memoir of his days in the field as an alarm technician (which I informally helped edit), Fix It Or Pull It, which is now in the On My Desk section. (It's also available at...

March 17, 2004

Caption Contest Winners!

The replay officials have consulted and have determined the winner, after a long game delay! Humorist and author Steve Filippini has picked the winner of this week's contest, who will receive a copy of Steve's new book, Fix It Or Pull It, a memoir of Steve's experiences as an alarm technician in the field. Captain's Award (Super Bowl) -- Jim S: "Senator Kerry uses a football to demonstrate for reporters the Vulcan Mind Meld technique he used on several foreign leaders to determine that they supported him over President Bush." Congratulations, Jim! You Have The Conn #1 (AFC Champ) -- spd rdr: "Tick..tick.. tick.. tick.." You Have The Conn #2 (NFC Champ) -- Pile On: "Ok, Gephardt, you run toward Iowa street then fade south and stay there, Dean go hard left and then off deep, Kucinich you go short, very short, Edwards, you aren't going anywhere, just stay in...

March 23, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #4!

They say that behind every great man is a great woman. I don't know what to say about this picture, then: Maybe I don't know what to say about this picture, but I'll bet that you all do! Join our weekly Captain's Caption Contest and win the respect of your peers, the envy of your enemies, and the glory of concocting the perfect quip! Our guest judge this week will be Linda from the terrific blog, Auterrific. She's sharp and discerning, like all CQ readers (except possibly the Captain himself), so wind up your wits and start posting your comments. The contest closes at 6 PM CT on Tuesday, March 23rd. Good luck! And thanks for the link, Hugh! BUMP 3/20: Good entries so far -- Linda's got her work cut out for her! BUMP 3/21: Keeping it on top ... BUMP 3/22: Keep going! ... BUMP 3/23: Only a...

March 24, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #4 Winners

If you all have "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette playing in the background, we can announce the Caption Contest winners, as selected by Linda from Auterrific -- a great blog, and one you should definitely visit, by the way. Here's the picture: And the winners -- Captain's Award: Senator Kerry comforted an unidentified patient at the Central Vermont Medical Center where he unveiled his Mental Health Initiative. Posted by Jim at March 21, 2004 10:57 PM You Have The Conn #1: Don't worry Howard I learned this in a teamwork seminar. Fall back and I promise I will catch you. Trust me! Posted by N.E. Republican at March 20, 2004 03:30 PM You Have The Conn #2: That's right, Howie, hold that position. Steady....steady... Now, on the count of three say "Welcome to WalMart!" Posted by spd rdr at March 22, 2004 06:54 AM You Have The Conn...

March 30, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #5!

Last week, I mentioned that behind every good man was a good woman -- but this week, it looks like John Kerry may have the proverb reversed: Sharpen your wits, maximize your Internet speed, and put your creative talents to use, and tell us what caption you think belongs with this picture (courtesy of DC from Brainstorming)! This week's guest judge: Jon from QandO, an excellent libertarian/economics blog that is on my daily-read list. The contest will remain open until Tuesday, March 30, at 6 pm CT, so be sure to enter early and enter often! BUMP 3/27 -- Lots of creative entries so far ... BUMP 3/29 -- After a day (mostly) off, I'm putting this back to the top ... CLOSING 3/30 6:10 PM: It's going to the scorecards -- thanks for all your great entries!...

Caption Contest Winners!

Guest judge Jon from QandO -- a smart and informative blog that should be on your daily reading list (like you need me to tell you that) -- has made the final decisions in this week's Captain's Caption Contest. Just to refresh your memory, in case you can't scroll down three posts, here's the picture: Here's Jon's picks, in his own format ... After a lengthy review, we have a 44 way tie for "You Sick Bastard". My god, people, go call your mother and apologize. Immediately. However, only one of your mothers will be talking to a winner. The results are: ---------- Runner-up #3 (or: The "topical, pithy, amusing....you're Jay Leno!" award) "Actually, I pulled her away from the bus before I pushed her under it." Posted by Pat Curley March 27, 2004 08:23 AM ---------- Runner-up #2 (or, The "ewww....I never thought I'd miss the relatively discreet days...

April 6, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #5!

It's that time again, and now we have a song to go along with our weekly Caption Contests: If you're going to I - da - ho, Be sure to show A flower in the snow ... Lame? You bet! That's why I need you to make up a better caption than this one. Put the winning caption to this Flower Power Kerry photo and win the respect and envy of your peers in the blogosphere. The contest will be open until Tuesday at 6 PM CT, when the winning entries will be hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar and placed on Funk & Wagnall's doorstep ... or something like that. Remember, the only losers are the ones that don't get submitted! BUMP 4/3: Hey, it's the Birthday Bump! I'm 41 today. How's that for a nice, round number? ... BUMP 4/4: Today will probably be a light posting day,...

April 7, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest Winners!

Once again, we have picked the winners of the Captain's Caption Contest, and once again, it was a lot tougher than Kerry looks with his little flower ornamentation: Here then are the most notable posts. Just remember, there are no losers -- heck, even Kerry looks happy! However, I suppose looks can be deceiving, as a number of you picked a similar theme for your entries ... Captain's Award -- Ted: And after the sunuvabitch knocked me down I took the flower away as revenge, and hung it from my belt like a scalp! Meanest girl scout I've ever seen... You Have the Conn, You SOB #1 -- Flipper: So then that son-of-a-bitch Dean pushed me out of the plane, right over San Francisco! On the bright side, I think I earned a few votes while I was there. You Have the Conn, You SOB #2 -- Pat Curley: Daisy?...

April 12, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #6!

Okay, it's Friday morning, second down, seven (months) to go ... John, you go long and see what you can do, OK? D'OH! Yes, it's time for the Captain's Caption Contest, and while we're cheerleading for the other side here, let's see if we can't come up with a fight song for John Fumble Kerry. Don't be afraid to go deep here -- toss up that Hail Mary and see what happens! Just remember to keep your eye on the ball ... Put your caption for the picture in the Comments section. Bill from INDC Journal will be our guest judge for this scrimmage. The whistle blows at 6 PM CT on Tuesday, April 13! BUMP 4/10 ... again, 4/11 ... BUMP 4/13: The contest will stay open to 9 pm CT, due to our appearance on tonight's Hugh Hewitt show! ... Comments closed -- thanks for some great entries!...

April 14, 2004

Caption Contest #6 Winners!

The Captain has to apologize for a delay-of-game penalty -- with all of the show prep for our fill-in appearance on the Hugh Hewitt show, I've been thrown for a loss in this game! With Bill from INDC Journal running interference, though, we've picked the winners for the latest Caption Contest. Just to jog the memory, here's the picture: Captain's Award (Touchdown) -- Robert the Llama Butcher: While on a tour of crucial battleground states in the midwest, Senator Kerry was unpleasantly surprised to to discover that "Punt, Pass and Kick" is not just the Democratic Party national security policy. You Have The Conn #1 (The Bomb) -- Cassandra: "Do I catch it, or let it go...catch it, or let it go...damn I wish those poll results were in!" You Have The Conn #2 (Student Body Left) -- Eric: That quarterback has thrown the most reckless, arrogant pass in pick-up...

April 20, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #7!

What time is it, everyone? It's Caption Contest time! This week's entry comes from Jon at QandO, who will be guest-judging this week's contest. Q and O are two letters of the alphabet, of course, and perhaps that's what John Kerry is debating with this group of constituents. But note where Kerry is, and who gets the chair behind him: I'm sure you can come up with an appropriate caption for such a charming depiction of the political diversity of our education system! Simply submit it as a comment (no e-mails, please) on this post. Comments will remain open until Tuesday at 6 PM CT, when Jon and I will select the most notable, the most intelligent, and the most humorous of all the captions! Bribes don't hurt, either. I didn't get to be Captain by working hard, dammit! BUMP 4/17 -- Great entries are already rolling in. Can you...

Caption Contest #7 Winners!

The judge has spoken -- and the judge in this case is none other than Jon from QandO, a fantastic blog that should be on your daily-read list (after Captain's Quarters, of course!). Today, together with Jon's partner McQ, they've posted a review of the Arab press reaction to the Madrid bombings, the real status of the deficit, and especially the new effort to bring Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to the big screen. In short, QandO is like Alice's Restaurant -- you can find anything you want. Jon was kind enough to provide this picture for our Caption Contest ... ... and now he's selected this week's winners! Here they are: Captain's Award (Sailor Moon) -- Spd Rdr: Now pay attention, children. This is a voting booth. VO-ting boooo-the. On election day, you little guys go to the table marked "DEM" and the nice lady will let you go...

April 27, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #7!

It's Friday -- time for a new Captain's Caption Contest! We have an intriguing selection by this week's guest judge, Gerbera Tetra, the place for bad commentary, bad ideas, bad motives and bad jokes. GT wants to challenge us all with this eerie image: You know what to do -- post your best caption lines in the comments section of this post (no e-mails, please), enter as often as you like, no purchase necessary, winner need not be present when selected, blah blah blah. We'll keep the contest open until Tuesday 4/27 6 PM CT, when GT will select the winners. Just remember -- if you want to win, don't hide your light under a bushel ... step out of the shadows and give it your best shot! BUMP 4/24: We already have a ton of great entries, but keep it up -- very impressive so far ... BUMP 4/25:...

Caption Contest #7 Winners!

The judge has stepped out of the shadows to shine a light on the winners of this week's Caption Contest! For those of you who have forgotten, here's the picture: Gerbera Tetra has selected his favorite entries for this week's contest: Captain's Award (The Limited Salute) -- Todd Robins: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of American, unless of course this offends someone in which case I will simply deny it later. And to the republic, for which it stands, one nation, under no ridiculous illusions of a higher moral power, with liberty and justice for any protected minority group. You Have The Conn #1 (You SOB Award) -- Scotty: In a move defending his ethnically challenged cabinet, Senator Kerry hires his own shadow to be his general secretary of urban music appreciation. When told that a dark shadow of a white man doesn't count as...

May 4, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #8!

After a tough week on the campaign trail, one has to think that John Kerry might be a bit despondent. However, showing that Boston Brahmin/Botox optimism, Kerry keeps a happy face on and insists things are looking up: Yes indeed, it is that day of the week, Friday, when Captain's Quarters soars above the crowd to bring you the Captain's Caption Contest! This week we all point to Pat Curley at the Kerry Haters blog as the guest judge. (Er, from the title, can you guess what Pat thinks of our subject matter?) Please enter your captions into the comments section (no e-mails, please) and don't be afraid to send up a few trial balloons! Comments will remain open until Tuesday, May 4th at 6 PM CT, when Pat will select the winners. Have fun and keep checking back! BUMP 5/1: Happy May Day! Keep 'em coming ... BUMP 5/2:...

Caption Contest #8 Winners!

What's that -- up in the sky? It's a bird! It's a plane! It's an SOB! No -- it's the Captain's Caption Contest winners! Pat Curley, our guest judge from the Kerry Haters Blog, has selected the winning entries for this week's contest. Just to give you a heads-up, here's the picture again: Without further ado, here are the winners... Captain's Award (Outreach Award) -- Mike: "Don't Jump", shouted the presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee to the latest person to undergo vetting for the VP position on his ticket. You Have The Conn #1 (Cy Young Award) - Guy-N-Texas: And after I tossed my medals, er ribbons over the fence the wind caught 'em and they fell back down in my office. You Have The Conn #2 (Penthouse Forum Award) - Jim S.: I don't usually respond to spam, but let me tell ya, this stuff really worked! You Have The...

May 11, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #9!

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike ... I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like ... It's a beautiful Friday out here on the road, and so it must be time for another Captain's Caption Contest! John Kerry gave us this image to rally around, so let's kick off this week's contest in high gear. Shift into the comments and pedal [groan] your best effort to caption this delightful image. The contest will remain open until Tuesday, May 11, at 6 PM CT, when our mystery guest judge will decide on the winners! Oooh ... a mystery guest judge, you say! Or maybe you're saying that I'm covering up that I don't have one. Nonsense! [ahem] No, really ... I'll be making a major announcement later today, and at that time I'll update this post with the name...

May 18, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #10!

Most people understand that it takes a lot of effort to run for office, but so much of it happens behind the scenes. For instance, one important component of campaign preparation is to go over talking points -- making sure the candidate knows a few core themes to sound out in every appearance. These talking points should represent the basic policy positions of the candidate so that the public understands why they should vote for him or her. In a Campaign 2004 exclusive, Captain's Quarters has discovered confidential images of Senator John Kerry reviewing his policy stances: Yes, it's Friday, and that means it's time for another Captain's Caption Contest! We want you to serve up your best caption for this picture -- I know with this audience (with all the aces we have!), we can smash a few winners. Just lob them up into the comments section -- no...

May 19, 2004

Caption Contest #10 Winners!

Sorry for the delay -- I hadn't realized that it was the Captain's serve! It's time to announce the winners of this week's Captain's Caption Contest, and our guest judges this week are Dr. Kate and Farmer Joe from Urban Farmhouse, a terrific new blog -- be sure to check it out. Just to jog your memory (another Forrest Gump reference?), here's the picture: Here are the winners! Captain's Award (Box of Chocolates) -- Shark: "Look at me! I'm playing poor man's squash!" You Have The Conn #1 (Floating Feather) -- Spd Rdr: With a subtle grace not seen since the Ford Administration, Senator Kerry gently nuances the ball over the net. You Have The Conn #2 (We're Not Relations, Sir) -- Chris B: "No, in Press-Ping-Ping you toss softies to me and stand there motionless as I score off you." You Have The Conn #3 (Sorry, Jenny) -- Attila:...

May 25, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #11!

It's Friday, and that means it must be time for another Captain's Caption Contest! Yes, we all know how close the last contest was -- Dr. Kate and Farmer Joe nearly wrecked the Urban Farmhouse deciding which of your entries captioned the Kerry table-tennis extravaganza. Even John Kerry himself knows how close the last one turned out: I can't wait to see what you make out of this one! The contest stays open until 9 PM CT on Tuesday, May 25th (late closing time for some personal business, so take advantage!), at which time our guest judge will decide which of your entries wins out. Enter as often as you like, no purchase necessary, winner need not be present to win, bribes freely accepted ... you know the drill. Make sure you put your entry into the comments section -- e-mail will be shredded, set on fire, and force-fed to...

May 26, 2004

Caption Contest #11 Winners!

Better late than never, I always say! I've reviewed all the entries for the latest Captain's Caption Contest, and I have to tell you that it was a most difficult task. Too many of these entries were laugh-out-loud funny, and I know that I'll be leaving off some favorites. Woe to the Captain! When asked for comment, John Kerry indicated how much sympathy he has for my plight: Yeah, well ... A few themes developed in the submissions, and I've tried to get a representative of each one in the winner's circle (so to speak). So without further ado -- Captain's Award (Hip, Self-Referential/Suck-Up Category) -- Xrlq: And to think, Captain Ed was this close to finally running one measly caption contest that wasn't about me... You Have The Conn #1 (Vatican Ragging) - Jim S: ... and then I told the Bishop, "You'll have to pry this Communion wafer...

June 1, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #12 - Global Warming Edition!

It's Friday, and so it must be time for the next Captain's Caption Contest! In honor of the new Roland Emmerich film, The Day After Tomorrow, Captain's Quarters has adjusted its normal contest material in order to highlight the terrible global warming problem that faces our planet. In an exclusive (yeah, sure), CQ has identified a major source of hot, noxious gas -- and all we need is your description of the image: It looks like John Kerry can breathe a sigh of relief this week! The contest stays open until 6 PM CT on Tuesday, June 1, at which time our guest judge will decide which of your entries wins out. Enter as often as you like, no purchase necessary, winner need not be present to win, bribes freely accepted ... you know the drill. Make sure you put your entry into the comments section -- e-mail will be...

June 2, 2004

Caption Contest #12 Winners!

The judges have returned with the winners of the special Global Warming edition of the weekly Captain's Caption Contest! Edward Yee did the honors this week, and did he have his work cut out for him. We received a near-record 107 entries this week from the blogosphere's most creative readership. In fact, Al Gore was so stunned by the response that he had the breath knocked out of him: Here are the winners: Captain's Award (Most Original) -- Donald S. Crankshaw: Fighting to contain a violent yawn at his own words, Al Gore is mistaken for a raving lunatic. You Have The Conn #1 (Great Minds Think Alike) -- Wacky Hermit: "wh- wh- heeeeee-- wh- wh- heeeeee..." "We can see the head! Now push! That's it, push with the contractions!" You Have The Conn #2 (Where One Man Had Gone Before) -- Scotty: In a certain epiphany for the ex-vice...

June 8, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #13!

It's Friday, and what time is it? No, dammit, it's not lunchtime -- it's time for another Captain's Caption Contest! Or ... maybe it is lunchtime ... At the very least, it's time for a break from all of your hustle and bustle and enjoy some good fellowship. Just take a cue from John Kerry's dining buddy there on the right, and relax -- or else! Give us your best caption for this picture and win the hearts and minds of the American electorate -- or at least of longtime reader Peyton Randolph, who doesn't blog but posts lots of great comments on CQ. You have until Tuesday, June 8 at 6 PM CDT to enter your best captions in the Comments section of this post. (NO e-mail -- e-mailed entries will be shredded, toasted, tossed over a plate of escargot, and swallowed by Michael Moore in one smooth motion.)...

June 9, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest Winners!

We have the winners from this week's Captain's Caption Contests! Many were entered, but in the end, few were chosen, and they were chosen by Peyton and Debbie Randolph, two long-time readers of Captain's Quarters! Just to give you another look at the menu, here's the picture: You all hit almost every theme imaginable for this -- the only one I thought got missed was, "You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant." Thank goodness, too -- that was pretty damned lame. (Now you know why I host these instead of enter them.) Without further ado, I'll serve up the winners: Captain's Award! (First among several with a great idea. Kerry is so not John Candy) -- MDatek: Who wants an orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips! Report to sick bay, on the double! (No lawsuit about the bill?) -- Paul B: So me and Teddy...

June 15, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #14!

It's Friday, so it must be time for another Captain's Caption Contest! This week's entry comes from Ann's Fuse Box, which delved deep into the Kerry web site to come up with this winner: It recalls to mind the famous poem of Clarke Van Ness: 'Twas an evening in October, I'll confess I wasn't sober, I was carting home a load with manly pride, When my feet began to stutter and I fell into the gutter, And a pig came up and lay down by my side. Then I lay there in the gutter and my heart was all a-flutter, Till a lady, passing by, did chance to say: "You can tell a man that boozes by the company he chooses," Then the pig got up and slowly walked away. But that seems rather long for a caption, so why don't you all just come up with something better? You...

June 16, 2004

Caption Contest #14 Winners!

Ann from Ann's Fuse Box has finished judging the entries for the Captain's Caption Contest, and let me tell you, it was tough picking the best from a selection of great entries! Even John Kerry acknowledged it to Bill Clinton: "Just between you and me ... these entries are among the most lying, crooked captions ..." Here are the winners: Captain's Award (and Report to Sick Bay!) -- Aaron's Rantblog: "Look at THAT hot little humidor!" You Have The Conn #1 (Closest to reality) -- CCWBass: "Made you look. Man, Kerry, you're just too easy." You Have The Conn #2 (Who's the nominee again?) -- Dennis Swanson: "Oh, your posters??? Well we had to move them to the back to make room for my book promotion banners. They're back over there. But hey, to make it up to you, buy a book on the way out and I'll autograph it...

June 20, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #15!

It's Friday, so it must be time for another Caption Contest! Whiskey selected the picture this week from reader Cameron Wood, who will be our guest judge this week. Whiskey and I make a great team -- better than this one, judging by one of the people pictured: You have until Tuesday, June 22 at 6 PM CDT to enter your best captions in the Comments section of this post for Cameron to guest-judge this week. (NO e-mail -- e-mailed entries will be shredded, toasted, tossed over a plate of escargot, and swallowed by Michael Moore in one smooth motion.) Enter as often as you like, no purchase necessary, tax and title belong to CQ, winners need not be present, and as always, bribes are most welcome ... and don't forget to check out Cameron's blog! BUMP 6/20 ... COMMENTS CLOSED: A little late, since Cameron has already selected his...

June 22, 2004

Caption Contest #15 Winners!

The judge has made the selections for this week's Captain's Caption Contest! Cameron Wood, the writer of the fine blog Way Off Bass, has had to wade through a number of excellent entries (and some non-judge voting, for that matter!) in order to come up with these great winners. Just to refresh everyone's memory first, here's the picture: Captain's Award (Goin' Large) -- Thief: "This is John. John recently talked to his doctor about Enzyte, the once a day pill for natural male enhancement. Now John has a fresh burst of confidence, rising poll numbers, and a very happy missus on the campaign trail." You Have The Conn #1 (People's Choice Award) - Wacky Hermit: "In an effort to show his multilateralism through solidarity with the Iraqi insurgents, John Kerry demonstrates the technique of using women as human shields." (a special good luck to the very-much-ready-to-give-birth Wacky Hermit!) You Have...

Continue reading "Caption Contest #15 Winners!" »

June 27, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #16!

It's Friday, so it must be time for the Captain's Caption Contest! Out here in Minnesoooooota, the weather is terrific, the weekend's coming up, and the Northern Alliance Radio Network will be on the air tomorrow -- it's enough to make you dance in the aisles ... Well, maybe that's the Safety Dance. Anyway, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be sealed in an empty French wine bottle and placed under the rear tires of Barbra Streisand's hybrid limousine.) The contest will remain open until 8 pm Sunday, June 27th*, at which point the comments will be closed and longtime reader MDatek will pick the winners. Remember, enter as often as you want, no purchase necessary, winners need not be present to win, and bribes are freely accepted. Let the games begin! * - Note that the contests will finish...

June 28, 2004

Caption Contest Winners!

The entries have been judged ... the names have been selected ... and John Kerry has begun his happy dance ... It must mean that MDatek, this week's guest judge, has readied the winner's list for this week's Captain's Caption Contest! And apparently MDatek is a big Minnesota Vikings fan, which means he's unstable and unpredictable -- so let's see how that plays out, shall we? Captain's Award (Randy Moss Lateral to Moe Williams - Touchdown!) -- Scotty: The presumptive democratic nominee, who suspects himself of having a hernia, distracts the audience with his right hand while self-admisitering himself a quick turn-and-cough exam with his left. You Have The Conn #1 (Brad Johnson touchdown pass to.... Brad Johnson?) -- Jon Henke: So, what you're telling me is...you put your right hand in...and then you put your right hand out? And that's what it's all about? My god, now there's a...

July 4, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #17: The Mother Of All Caption Contests/Benefit Edition

It's Friday, so it must be time for another edition of the Captain's Caption Contest! John Kerry's taking a couple of days off, se we're going to give him a break. After all, it's been a long week, a trial, if you know what I mean. You don't? I think this guy does: Yes, here's your opportunity to caption the Master of Disaster, The Mother of All Mother******s himself, Uncle Saddy! Our guest judge this week will be Bill from INDC Journal, an excellent blog that mixes humor with some terrific on-the-ground photojournalism (and regular journalism, too, for that matter). But there's a catch this week ... Bill is currently raising funds for the family of Captain Dan Eggers, a Green Beret that Bill knew in high school who lost his life in the effort to free Iraq from the genocidal maniac pictured above. His PayPal tip jar has stalled...

July 5, 2004

Caption Contest Winners -- All Of Us!

What a great caption contest we had this weekend! Even on the new abbreviated schedule, we had 91 fantastic entries ... close to a record here at CQ. Bill from INDC Journal has finished judging all of your suggestions -- and speaking of judging, even Uncle Saddy pointed out a couple of excellent captions: Here are the winners: Captain's Award (Have We Heard This Somewhere Before?) -- Kris: "We're going to invade Iran... and Kuwait... and Syria... and Saudi Arabia... and then we're going to Israel to take back the Holy Land... YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARGH!" You Have The Conn #1 (Off His ZZ Top) -- Thief: "They come a-runnin' just as fast as they can, Baby go crazy 'bout a Sharp Dressed Man!" You Have The Conn #2 (Like No Business I Know) -- Retired Military: "What do you have to say to the charges levied against you Mr. Hussein?" "That's SHOWBIZ!!!!"...

July 11, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #18: The Unserious Edition

We take a break from all of this serious talk to get down to serious Friday business -- the relentlessly unserious Captain's Caption Contest! Yes, we all have to take a break from the rigors of our daily, serious tasks ... but in some cases, it's really hard to tell the difference: Guest judging this weekend will be my good friend and colleague from Fraters Libertas, the seriously unserious Saint Paul. The Fraters guys are raising funds for a worthy cause -- an inline skate rally for Multiple Sclerosis. (They're against it.) If you can drop a few coins in the jar, they'd certainly appreciate it. As always, leave your comments on the comments page, and as always, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be sealed in an empty French wine bottle and placed under the rear tires of Barbra...

July 12, 2004

Caption Contest Winners!

The entries have finally been judged, the winners have been chosen -- and let me tell you, it wasn't easy for Saint Paul from Fraters Libertas. He wound up having to check in with John Fogerty, who finally gave him the approval sign on his slate of winning entries: Here are the John Fogey Fogerty-endorsed winners: Captain's Award (Manly Men Doing Manly Things) -- Kimmber: It's been 5 minutes since I've hugged a caucasian male with great hair. Come here little fella........." You Have The Conn #1 (Can't Find Good Help) -- King: When is the butler going to come get this thing off me?" You Have The Conn #2 (First Things First) -- CCWBass: ". . . and I figured, the hell the terrorists! I'm not going to let them keep me from rockin' on, and so I ditched the briefing and grabbed my guitar, and here I am!"...

July 18, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #19: The Kiss-Off

It's Friday, so what time is it? Time for a kiss goodnight? Time to kiss the week goodbye? Time to kiss my -- [Sorry. That's the last time I have Whoopi Goldberg do my introductions ... CE]. No! It's time for another round of the Captain's Caption Contest! This week's entry comes to us from Chris at Candpeez, one of our regular readers. He catches Kerry in an attempt to, ah, inject a little warmth into the campaign: Another Kerry strategy down the drain! As always, leave your comments on the comments page, and as always, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be shredded, tossed lightly over a double-serving Slim-Fast shake, and served to Whoopi intravenously.) The contest will remain open until 8 pm Sunday, July 18th, at which point the comments will be closed and Chris will pick the...

July 19, 2004

Caption Contest Winners!

Well, folks, the butt-kissing is all over -- Chris at Candpeez has made his selections. He had one heck of a time getting through all of the excellent entries this weekend, but in the end he had to boil it down to just a few entries. Before we kiss this one goodbye, though, let's take a last look at the picture: Here are the winners! Captainís Award (French Kiss) The Charles M. Jones Memorial Award: Thief [In the voice of Pepe Le Pew] "Ah, my great bun-del of sweetness...(kiss kiss)...eet ees love, love, love at sight first, no eet ees not, yes? Ah...ZE MAD RUSH OF HOT BLOOD TO THE TEMPLES...(kiss kiss)...Ah, Golden girl, you are ze corn-beef to me, I am ze cab-baj...(kiss kiss kiss)... I like eet... [Teresa escapes his embrace and runs] "Come back, small one, come back! Ze corn-beef do not run away from ze cab-baj!"...

July 24, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #20 - Hard/Soft Edition!

It's Friday, so it must be time for another Captain's Caption Contest -- our 20th edition! It's getting pretty danged hard to keep up with John Kerry's flip-flops. This morning, Kerry's campaign is pushing the notion that they'll sell a softer, gentler Kerry in the leadup to the convention: This is an emotional side of Kerry that he rarely shows publicly. At campaign stops he often asks voters personal questions about their health, their age and even their income, but he doesn't reveal much about his own feelings or share personal stories. He usually leaves that duty to people who campaign with him, including his children, his wife and his former Navy crewmates from the Vietnam. But don't think he's gone all wussy on us, either (thanks to my partner Whiskey, who sent this ahead of a half-dozen others): Guest judging this week will be Chumley Wonderbar from Plastic Hallway,...

July 25, 2004

Caption Contest Winners!

I know it's still Sunday evening, but we've already received the list of winners from this weekend's Captain's Caption Contest! You may think that with results this quick that guest judge Chumley Wonderbar from Plastic Hallway has jumped the gun. Well, if so, he's not the only one: Here are Chumley's picks: Captain's Award ("I'm Perfect" Kerry) -- Steverino: I didn't miss that clay pigeon. I don't miss. That son-of-a-bitch Secret Service agent got in my way. You Have The Conn #1 ("Whiny Bitch Injury Faker" Kerry) -- Jim S: Ouch! Hammer hurt my thumb. Purple Heart! Purple Heart! You Have The Conn #2 ("Flip Flop" Kerry) -- Duke DeLand: I actually DID vote for gun control... Before I voted against it! You Have The Conn #3 ("Vietnam Hero" Kerry) -- Thief: News Media: "How can you shoot women and children?" Kerry: "Easy! You just don't lead 'em as much!"...

August 1, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #21: The Right Stiff Edition!

It's Friday, so it must be time for another edition of the Captain's Caption Contests! This week's theme is Politicians In Space, and here we have the official Democratic nominee for the presidency being surprised by having a photograph taken on a campaign event. Too bad his friends John Glenn, Bill Nelson, and Bob Graham couldn't have told him what cameras do. Those Democratic Republican rascals! Guest judging this week will be Pat from Dr. Santy, a fine blog and a loyal reader. As always, leave your comments on the comments page, and as always, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be specially marked by CQ Archives security personnel and shoved down Sandy Berger's pants.) The contest will remain open until 8 pm Sunday, August 1st, at which point the comments will be closed and Pat will pick the winners....

August 2, 2004

Caption Contest Winners!

What a great weekend! CQ readers entered what I think was a record number of captions for the weekend contest, and Pat at Dr. Sanity had quite a job trying to pick the few, the proud, and the very clean winners. Even John Kerry had to plumb the depths of CQ in order to get through all the entries: Pat's winners are as follows: Captain's Award (Man On A Mission?) - Mike G: "I am John Kerry, reporting for duty!" You Have The Conn #1 (The Populist Award) - Jim S: Okay, I'm ready to meet with the common folk now. You Have The Conn #2 (Politics Begins At Conception) - Rightwingduck: This sperm has a one in million chance of becoming a human being. You Have The Conn #3 (Nuance And Courage Twin Award) - Charles Austin: (both are by charles austin, so I counted them as one) I...

August 8, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #22: Cornapalooza!

It's Friday, so it must be time for another Captain's Caption Contest! As my good friend and colleague Rocket Man at Power Line reminded us earlier this week, politics can be a corny business. All of the sloganeering, all of the baby-kissing, the hand-shaking ... the pandering to local business: Of course, there's nothing more corny than a good caption contest! So lend us your ears (heh) and especially your wits and enter your best (and corniest) ideas. Guest-judging this week will be Right Wing Duck, a multiple-contest winner here at CQ and the host of a bitingly humorous blog you all should check out. As always, leave your comments on the comments page, and as always, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be shucked by experts at the Heinz-Kerry compound and fed to the peasants at a local state...

August 9, 2004

Caption Contest Winners!

Your entries overwhelmed Right Wing Duck -- when I told him that we had a record number of entries in this week's Captain's Caption Contest, he couldn't believe his ears! And not just his, either ... Here's RWD on the contest: "Wow, Captain this was a lot harder than I thought. I didn't know which one to choose, so I asked the French Embassy for help. They suggested I surrender. Then I called the UN but they wouldn't return my calls. So I acted unilaterally - screw the French! If you guys were liberal I'd worry about hurting your feelings - but you're not so let me just say this - a lot of you should get professional help!" Here are the winners, with or without that vaunted French military alliance: Captain's Award (Roll Call Edition) - DANEgerus: All I see is 4 vegetables with 6 ears. You Have The...

August 15, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #23: The Balancing Act

It's Friday, and that means it's time for another installment of the Captain's Caption Contest! You know, running a blog is a delicate balancing act. You try to get stories out quickly but well-written and strongly sourced. You look at all angles to make sure you don't miss anything. But bloggers have nothing on politicians, who have to balance a lot of life narratives to make sure that they don't stumble on the campaign trail. Here's one politician who obviously needs more practice: Don't straddle the fence -- give us your best entries for guest judge Amy L (who designed our Northern Alliance logo)! As always, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be typed as journal entries at Sa Dec and run across the Cambodian border in a magic hat.) The contest will remain open until 8 pm Sunday, August...

August 20, 2004

Last Week's Caption Contest Update ...

I hear you clamor for the results, and the truth is that we had a disconnect with the guest judge, to no one's fault. I will judge the entries myself and post the winners tomorrow before our radio show. I apologize for not having the time this week to catch up to it, but between working and blogging for content (and the Bush rally), I just ran out of resources. I will not be delaying this week's contest, of course ... as you will see! UPDATE: Well, perhaps a little delayed, but it will be up by evening. I elected to run with the new Magic PCF story instead and ran out of time....

August 21, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #24: Kerry Undercover

It's Friday (evening), so it must be (past) time for another edition of the Captain's Caption Contest! I had difficulty finding our usual subject this week, since he seemed to drop off the face of the earth, until he finally popped his head up like a prairie dog to call his fellow Viet Nam combat veterans a bunch of liars. I did find this rare picture of John Kerry, hiding out: Guest judging this week will be Marc from Cranial Cavity, or at least we hope he will! As always, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be typed as journal entries at Sa Dec and run across the Cambodian border in a magic hat.) The contest will remain open until 8 pm Sunday, August 22nd, at which point the comments will be closed and Marc will pick the winners. In...

August 22, 2004

Caption Contest #23 Winners!

Like I told you when this edition of the contest opened, blogging is like politics -- it's a tough balancing act. When something trips you up, like a guest-judging mixup, it's hard to keep your balance! One man who may understand that better than anyone this month may be this guy: One week late, here are the winners, this time chosen by myself: Captain's Award (Seared Edition) - Retired Military: "Back when I was a boy, I used to go where the railroad was being built near my home and bring water to the Chinese laborers. That memory is seared, seared, into me" "Pssst Pssst Senator Kerry, Chinese laborers havent worked on the railroad for 60 years before you were born" "I'm sorry, my speechwriteers handed me the wrong speech. Why back when I was a boy, I used to go where the railroad was being built near my home...

August 23, 2004

Caption Contest #24 Winners!

I think that one of the oddest American holidays is Groundhog Day (although at least it inspired Bill Murray's best movie). How in the world did anyone come up with the notion that groundhogs come up to check for shadows and disappear in a hole for six weeks if they see one? It just doesn't make any sense ... unless you're a political candidate whose past may catch up with you on the trail: Marc from Cranial Cavity has checked out the multitude of outstanding photo captions from this weekend's Captain's Caption Contest and selected the winners! (Thank goodness.) Here are the winners: Captain's Award (Behind The Scenes Look) - Bear: 'Go mirrors, go smoke! Go smoke! I don't see anything happening. Go smoke! Go smoke! Go smoke! Standby lawyers. Keep coming, 527s. More attacks. Bring it- smoke, smoke, smoke! We want mirrors, tons of them. Bring them down. Let...

August 29, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #25: Watch Your Back Edition

It's Friday, so it must be time for another edition of the Captain's Caption Contest! We're about to come into the home stretch of the presidential campaign, where tempers get short and stress begins to show. And that's just among the talking heads at CNBC! Just imagine what it's like for the actual candidates. In fact, you don't need to imagine at all: Guest judging the contest this week will be Bear, a CQ reader and commenter who sent me a slew of pics this week and all of them could have worked. As always, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be typed as journal entries at Sa Dec and run across the Cambodian border in a magic hat.) The contest will remain open until noon Sunday [my travel day to New York!], August 29th, at which point the comments...

September 9, 2004

Caption Contest Winners, Finally!

Rule #1: Don't have a Caption Contest that finishes on a travel day. Rule #2: Have e-mail backed up before laptop crashes, taking with it the list of winners. Rule #3 ... well, I'm sure if I look around, I can find Rule #3. Anyway, thanks to Bear's e-mail getting rediscovered on my replacement laptop and the patience of all those who entered, I finally have an opportunity to present you with the winners! Since everyone's probably forgotten the picture from two weeks ago, here's a reminder -- a strangely unsettling reminder: Here are the winners! Captain's Award (Watch Your Back 'Cause They'll Turn on You) - Retired Military: John Kerry on Nov 3rd "Theresa, does this mean I won't get to ride on Air Force One?" "Shut up, John. And oh yeah, I filed for divorce, Mr. War Hero." You Have The Conn #1 (In Touch With Joe Average)...

September 11, 2004

Caption Contest #26: The Buck Stops Here Edition

It's Friday, so it must be time for another edition of the Captain's Caption Contest! Since I've managed to mess up the timing of the last couple of Caption Contests, I've decided to give John Kerry a rest for this week and take the shots myself. (Besides, his week's going so bad that I don't think we could possibly provide captions that adequately describes the meltdown!) Here's my picture from our hometown newspaper, the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, which accompanied this article on my RNC blogging: In order to pre-empt an entire series of attacks from one of our regular contributors (and to help promote his book again), this week's guest judge will be Steve Filippini. Steve wrote a hilarious book about his experiences as a technician for alarm companies, so get yourself a copy and check it out! As always, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO...

September 15, 2004

Caption Contest Winners!

So, this time I put myself as the big victim of the Caption Contest, and I learned a little something about CQ's readers. You guys are brutal. No wonder I like you! Now that Steve has returned from his two days in training for his job, he's ready to pick the winners of last week's contest. Just to remind everyone of the sex machine at the heart of this effort, here's the picture you all pilloried: Here are the winners! Captain's Award (Good News/Bad News Dept.) - Warren Meyer: To: Cialis customer support I am writing because of the warning on your site. It has been well over 4 hours since I took your product and I still cannot stand up without embarassment... You Have The Conn #1 (Perfect Timing) - Dan The Man: Okay, that looks good. Now all I need is Rather's email address. BBWHWAAAAHWHAAAA! You Have The...

September 18, 2004

Caption Contest #27: Final Sprint Edition

It's Friday, so it must be time for another Captain's Caption Contest! The contest has been a long-running feaure on CQ now, but not as long-running as this presidential campaign has been. Of course, some people got off to a quicker start than others. Here's one who looks like he missed the starter's gun and has some distance to make up: Guest judging the contest this week will be Gerry from Daly Thoughts, a terrific blog. As always, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be scanned the Abilene Kinko's, faxed to CBS News, and used to slander Harold Stassen.) The contest will remain open until 6 PM Sunday, September 19th, at which point the comments will be closed and Gerry will pick the winners. Let the games begin! BUMP 9/18: Hey, don't forget to tune us in on the Northern...

September 20, 2004

Caption Contest Winners!

Did anyone know that John Kerry is an exercise fanatic? He's a runner. He runs for the Presidency, he runs away from his Senate record, he runs away from his anti-war activities, he runs in circles on policy ... no wonder the man is a lean, mean, (non)fighting machine! Gerry from Daly Thoughts guest-judged your entries in this week's Captain's Caption Contest, and boy, did he ever have a tough job -- 195 entries came in, almost a CQ record! After much thought and a few bribes, Gerry has the winners: Captain's Award (The Perfect Record) - Swede: And here comes the challenger now, Bob, with a record of no wins, no losses, and one hundred and thirty-seven no decisions. You Have The Conn #1 (It Explains His Senate Election) - Kenny: That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to...

September 25, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #28: Pajamaheddin Edition

It's Friday, so it must be time for another Captain's Caption Contest! In honor of all the pajamaheddin who took part in the pantsing of Dan Rather and CBS, we'll put a picture of a blogosphere wanna-be puzzling over that incredibly difficult Blogspot interface: This week's guest judge will be my good friend and Northern Alliance colleague, Mitch Berg from Shot In The Dark. As always, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be scanned at the Abilene Kinko's, faxed to CBS News, and used to slander King Banaian.) The contest will remain open until 6 PM CT Sunday, September 26th, at which point the comments will be closed and Mitch will pick the winners. Let the games begin! BUMP 9/25: The Dan appreciates your entries, and encourages you to listen to the Northern Alliance Radio Network from noon - 3...

September 27, 2004

Caption Contest Winners!

September 27th: I've spent the last four days among the rebels now, trying to make sense of their right-wing patois. It appears that their next mission will target John Kerry for what they call, in their partisan-operative manner, the truth-squad treatment. I'd report this in more detail, but one of their unbalanced and un-fact-checked third-stringers put my picture up on his site. My life might actually be in danger. Geraldo Rivera is a wimp. Courage ... Mitch Berg from Shot In The Dark has chosen this week's Captain's Caption Contest winners, and he was impressed with this edition's entries. He even threw in a word I've never seen before -- "Fuchicapesta"? I think it means that you guys rock .... Captain's Award (Strawberries And The Key) - Blogaddict: Pursuant to my memo dated 09/07/04 regarding same issue: It appears some of us have still not gotten the message. Allow me...

October 3, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #29: The Enthusiasm Gap

It's Friday, so it must be time for another edition of the Captain's Caption Contest! Much has been made about the enthusiasm gap this week, in which 65% of Bush supporters say they enthusiastically back the President, while only 42% of Kerry voters enthusiastically back the Senator. Long-time CQ reader Thief noticed evidence of this enthusiasm gap even within John Kerry's staff: Thief will be guest-judging this week's entries, so make them good! As always, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be scanned at the Abilene Kinko's, faxed to CBS News, and used to slander David Strom.) The contest will remain open until 8 PM CT Sunday, October 3rd, at which point the comments will be closed and Thief will pick the winners. Let the games begin! BUMP 10-3: Only a few hours left! ......

October 5, 2004

Caption Contest Winners!

All of the entries are in and Thief has judged them all -- and believe me, it wasn't easy! He had a heck of a time picking out the best captions for this exciting action photograph, which captures the essence of the John Kerry magic. You can feel the charisma jumping right off the screen, can't you? Not only has Thief supplied the winners, he's also given CQ a series of icons to go along with them. Great work, Thief! And here are the winners: Captainís Award (Weapon of Mass Distraction): capitano: McCurry -- "What's the consensus?" #1 --"Draw" #2 -- "Draw" #3 -- "Huh? Oh, uh, half caf/half decaf, single sweetener, skim foam, with a dash of cinnamon. ... and a bearclaw." You Have The Conn #1 (Whatís That Buzzing Sound?) radio: Fox News is now using new ultra-high speed (450 frames/per/second equivalent) digital cameras which permit us for...

October 11, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #30 - The Global Test Position Edition

It's Friday, so it must be time for another edition of the Captain's Caption Contest! In the first presidential debate, John Kerry told us that any action taken by the United States had to have the ability to pass a "global test", although he neglected to mention that the proctors would all be bribed to give us failing grades. When asked to demonstrate one possible method of performing a global test, Kerry happily demonstrated the preferred position for America among the nations whose approval Kerry craves: Kelly, who runs one of my longtime favorite blogs The Patriette, will guest-judge this week. As always, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be forced to sit at a table with Dick Cheney and be shredded into little John Edwards government-experience-sized pieces.) The contest will remain open until 8 PM CT Sunday, October 10th,...

Caption Contest Winners!

The entries are in -- over 200 of them -- the deadline has passed -- the judge has made her decision -- and all of the possible ass jokes have been exhausted. At least, I think they've been exhausted. However, just in case this one got missed, I would describe this week's picture as evidence that Democrats conflated the ass which serves as the party mascot, and the one carries the party banner in this election: You all did a tremendous job with your entries this week. I'm not sure, but I know we approached the CQ record with this edition! Kelly from The Patriette had a tough time judging the terrific captions you submitted. You could say she was flying by the seat of her pants ... Here are the winners! Captain's Award (The Kerry Counter-Terrorism Plan Explained, or The Democrat Duck & Cover) - John F: My fellow...

October 15, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #31: The October Surprise Edition

It's Friday, so it must be time for another edition of the Captain's Caption Contest! It's also October, so everyone's watching out for the various October Surprises. Last time out, the Democrats pulled out an ancient DUI from George Bush's past that almost won them the White House. Bush calmly handled the crisis four years ago, talking about his past experiences with alcohol abuse and how his faith helped turn his life around. Kerry, on the other hand, looks a bit skittish: This week's guest judges will be David & Margaret from Our House, which they have not yet learned, because David keeps complaining I never read his blog. Nonsense -- go check it out! It's a great blend of national and local politics, as well as a wonderful photoblog from one of may favorite blogging couples. I read it all the time. (Dammit, David, I really do!) As always,...

October 19, 2004

Caption Contest Winners!

The votes are in, and the judges have rendered their decision -- and they had another tough time with their decision! David and Margaret from Our House may have been intimidated by the enthusiasm of the CQ crowd, just as Senator Kerry appears intimidated by this gang of toughs: Here are the winners! Captain's Award (Who's Your Dummy?) - Inkling: Madame Tussaud's 2005 exhibition, History's Greatest Losers, was a hit with many American tour groups. You Have The Conn #1 (The Family Reunion) - Twoff: Despite John Kerry's resemblance to his beloved "Lurch", "Thing" came to the inescapable conclusion that Kerry would in fact take away the Addams family's tax cuts. You Have The Conn #2 (Give Him The Sedagive!) - skatz51: The angry villagers finally surround the Frankenstein monster. You Have The Conn #3 (Who's Your Dummy, Redux) - Eric Akawie: The life-size ventriloquist's dummy was a huge hit...

October 23, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #32: Keeping Your Eye On The Ball Edition

It's Friday, so it must be time for another Captain's Caption Contest! It's down to the wire now, folks -- only ten days of campaigning left in what seems to have been the Most Interminable Presidential Campaign Ever. Now's no time to waver! The candidates must be at their best, their sharpest, keeping their eyes on the ball .... D'oh! This week's guest judge is The Elder from Fraters Libertas, whose sense of fun amidst all this seriousness has been one of my primary inspirations for these weekly contests. The Elder and I will both be part of the guest-hosting Northern Alliance group filling in for Hugh Hewitt tonight! Make sure you tune in as we do our normal gig -- wrecking the studio, live-blogging, and causing mayhem on national radio. As always, make sure you put your entries in our comments section -- NO e-mailed entries, please! E-mailed entries...

October 25, 2004

Caption Contest Winners!

The Elder has finished an extensive review of the huge number of entries we had in the Captain's Caption Contest, and he's selected the winners. It took him quite a while, allowing all of the great selections to bounce around his head so he could pick the cream of the crop. I'd bet The Elder may have had an expression on his face like this: On second thought, I doubt that The Elder looked much like this. For one thing, his Botox specialist does a much better job than John Kerry's ... Here are the winners! Captain's Award (Flights Of Fancy, Part XXXVII) - Stephen Macklin: I learned how to do this while I was playing on the 1978 U.S. World Cup Team. We could have made the finals that year but I had to take time off to train for the marathon. You Have The Conn #1 (Sex Education,...

November 1, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #33: Energizing The Base Edition

It's Friday, so it must be time for another Captain's Caption Contest! It's the final countdown, so this contest will remain open as long as the polls do -- which means 8 PM CT on Election Night! This weekend, the candidates have to get their voters to the polls -- that means they have to get them motivated, get their energy up, and inspire them to go to the polls in unprecedented numbers. Here's an example of that Kerry/Edwards magic: As always, make sure you put your entries in our comments section -- NO e-mailed entries, please! E-mailed entries will be tied to the leg of Ohio geese and flown over John Kerry's official hunter surrogates. The contest will end on Tuesday, November 2nd at 8 pm CT, when The Anchoress will select the winners. The Anchoress is an excellent writer on Catholicism and her personal spiritual journey; make sure...

November 3, 2004

Caption Contest Winners!

The votes are in ... the pundits have spoken ... the AARP has filed lawsuits in every state of the nation ... it all only means one thing -- the guest judge has picked the winners of the latest Captain's Caption Contest! The Anchoress would just like to thank everyone for their patience while waiting for the results: Try to keep the excitement under control, people! Here are the winners! Captain's Award (Dan Rather Field Reporting Award) - Famous Mort: (AP) "Kerry Energizes Crowd to 'Dangerous Levels'" by Nedra Pickler (MIAMI) Soon-to-be-President Kerry energized a standing-room-only crowd of rabid supporters that left his GOP competition feeling, well, flaccid, as polls show that Kerry leads lame duck Bushitler by a whopping 120% among likely voters and an astounding 200% among dead, incarcerated, or incarcerated and dead voters. Paramedics were called to the speech dozens of times to provide aid for Democratic...

November 5, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #34: That Certain Je Ne Sais Quoi Edition

It's Friday, so it must be time for another Captain's Caption Contest! Now that the election is over, the surprising results have caused some of our "friends" overseas to rethink their positions regarding George Bush and the US. This group of stalwart supporters of all things American put their heads together today to determine their new strategy: What did Jacques Chirac say to Luis Zapatero, Josep Borrell, and Jose Manuel Barroso? You tell me -- enter your best caption into the comments on this post! NO e-mailed entries, please! E-mailed entries will be entered onto provisional ballots and destroyed surreptitiously by Karl Rove's evil minions. The contest will end on Sunday, November 7th at 8 pm CT, when our guest judge will select the winners. Let the games begin!...

November 9, 2004

Caption Contest Winners Delayed

Sorry for the delay in the caption contest -- I will announce the winners later tonight. My vacation caused a miscommunication on this edition, which is why I still haven't announced the winners. Thanks for your patience and the gentle but pointed reminders you've sent today ......

Caption Contest Winners!

Je le regrette le jeux sont fait -- as Jacques Chirac is certainly saying now that the last Captain's Caption Contest has closed out and the winners are about to be announced. In fact, Jacqui -- do you mind if I call you Jacqui, mon ami? -- appears to be eagerly debating the wonderful entries CQ readers submitted for this week's contest: Sacre bleu! Voila, maintenant ... le winners: Captain's Award (Leap of Faith) - Nathan: "Well, his French isn't all bad. He does know how to pronounce 'Lambeau'." You Have The Conn #1 (Death Imitates Art) - ff1047: Trust me, it'll be just like "Weekend at Bernies", we can pull this off. For christs sake, the Democrats propped up a dead body as a candidate, we can prop up a dead terrorist as a "leader". You Have The Conn #2 (The Untold Story) - Brian Wohlgemuth: Luis Zapatero stands...

November 12, 2004

Captain's Caption Contest #35: Watch Your Back Edition

It's Friday, so it must be time for another Captain's Caption Contest! With all of the hullabaloo surrounding Senator Arlen Specter's comments last week and the efforts being made to derail his ascension to the chair of the Judiciary Committee, you'd expect that he and George Bush would barely be on speaking terms. On the other hand, the two GOP stalwarts still have enough in common to work together ... or so it seems. What do you suppose this conversation was like? You tell me -- enter your best caption into the comments on this post! NO e-mailed entries, please! E-mailed entries will be sequestered in Ramallah for two years, and afterwards get slobbered on by Jacques Chirac. The contest will end on Sunday, November 14th at 8 pm CT, when our guest judge will select the winners. Let the games begin!...

October 22, 2005

Captain's Caption Contest: The Saddam Special (Update And Bump!)

It's been a long time since we've had a Captain's Caption Contest -- I got focused on more serious work, and had a heck of a time finding guest judges. However, we have a special occasion to celebrate at this time. It's a coming-out party of sorts, a kind of Genocidal Madman Debutante Ball. In fact, for those lucky enough to catch the trial of Saddam Hussein live this morning, we even got to see Uncle Saddy dancing with his guards for a moment, before he gave them a go-hither stare. Thanks to a suggestion from long-time loyal reader Peyton Randolph, we're going to have a blast from the past and do a Caption Contest just like in the old days. Here to explain the rules is Uncle Saddy himself: Enter your caption in the Comments section only. If you e-mail it ... then I kill you. Enter as often...

October 24, 2005

Caption Contest Winners!

Uncle Saddy wants to send his appreciation for the 228 entries he got for his saucy little pose in CQ's special Caption Contest. He wants to assure all of you that he appreciates your tongue-in-cheek jokes about his present situation ... although he did mention something about removing your tongues from your cheeks if he "ever gets out of this *&^%^% place," or words to that effect. Knowing what a fair kind of guy Uncle Saddy is, I'm sure he'd like to visit each of you personally, but Peyton Randolph has selected the ones who will be at the top of his list. Just think -- the winners could find this on their doorstep one day, ringing their bell: Without further ado, here are Peyton's picks: Best Political Link: I'm innocent, I tell you. At the time those crimes were committed, I was at a Kinko's in Abilene, sending some...

May 6, 2006

Captain's Caption Contest: Intelligence Edition

With all of the kerfuffle over the resignation of Porter Goss and the possible selection of General Michael Hayden as his successor, it gives us an opportunity to revisit an old CQ tradition -- the caption contest! Here we see Hayden conferring with his boss, DNI John Negroponte, oblivious to the suspicious pitcher of water sitting between them: What do you imagine is going on in this conversation? Leave your best caption in the comments section, which will remain open until The Sopranos airs on Sunday evening. As always, make sure you put your entries in our comments section -- NO e-mailed entries, please! E-mailed entries will be intercepted by the NSA and delivered to black helicopters in your neighborhoods awaiting Karl Rove's next command. Let the games begin!...

May 7, 2006

Caption Contest Winners!

With The Sopranos about to start, it's time to announce the winners of the latest Caption Contest. Just to remind everyone, the subject was this photograph of John Negroponte and Michael Hayden conferring over a pitcher of water: Here are the winners: 1st place -- Keaukina: "It's a very important test-- you drink it all down, then they see if you leak..." 2nd place -- Hurricane567: Here we see DNI John Negroponte and Gen. Michael Hayden bracing themselves for Washington's 6th Annual Head Butt Days. 3rd place -- Bar Code King: "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon... er, Minoxodil?" Honorable Mention #1 -- Billyoblog: "Oh, by the way, you're not related to anybody named Tom, are you ?" Honorable Mention #2 -- Liberal Goodman: "Let's try it again. First lean right together, then left TOGETHER." Comments will remain open to honor the winners, slander the judge, come up...

Caption Contest Winners!

With The Sopranos about to start, it's time to announce the winners of the latest Caption Contest. Just to remind everyone, the subject was this photograph of John Negroponte and Michael Hayden conferring over a pitcher of water: Here are the winners: 1st place -- Keaukina: "It's a very important test-- you drink it all down, then they see if you leak..." 2nd place -- Hurricane567: Here we see DNI John Negroponte and Gen. Michael Hayden bracing themselves for Washington's 6th Annual Head Butt Days. 3rd place -- Bar Code King: "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon... er, Minoxodil?" Honorable Mention #1 -- Billyoblog: "Oh, by the way, you're not related to anybody named Tom, are you ?" Honorable Mention #2 -- Liberal Goodman: "Let's try it again. First lean right together, then left TOGETHER." Comments will remain open to honor the winners, slander the judge, come up...

July 22, 2006

Karl Rove, Checking Implants (Update: Caption Contest!)

Remember the scene from Blade Runner where Decker interrogates suspects to determine whether they're replicants? Well, it turns out that an implant check largely follows the same kind of procedures: KR: When you see a New York Times editoral, how does it make you feel? CQ: Sad, as though something once brilliant has died and still doesn't realize it ... like the network news programs. KR: It's working! Come on ... secretly you knew that this really happens, didn't you? Addendum: We kid, Karl, we kid. We kid because the implant told me to do so. UPDATE: Oh, let's have more fun at my expense. Let's make this a Caption Contest. Be sure to put your entries in the comments section -- no e-mail entries, please! -- and I'll pick a winner by Sunday night....

January 3, 2008

CapQ Caption Contest! (Bumped: Photo Crank Added)

We haven't had a caption contest for quite some time here, and what better day to do it than the first working day of the political year? With the Iowa caucuses around the corner and a full year of campaigning both behind us and ahead of us, we need a few laughs. Here's a picture of Hillary Clinton on the Iowa stump, apparently signaling ... something: So what was Hillary signaling? Give us your best caption ideas in the comments section only. Anyone sending e-mailed captions will have to draw flowcharts of Hillary's position on drivers licenses for illegal immigrants. I'll try to pick the winner during my more-or-less live coverage of the Iowa caucuses tomorrow evening. If any blogger wishes to serve as judge for the contest, I'll be sure to give the requisite pluggage. Have fun, and remember -- Hillary's keeping an eye on you! UPDATE & BUMP:...