March 9, 2004
It's time for the weekly Photo Caption Contest, and The Patriette has found a doozy for you. Put your crafty minds to this picture: Put your best quip in the comments, but beware; our previous winner, Bryan, later complained of painful swelling of the ego and difficulty getting his head to fit through doorways! Comments will close on Tuesday, March 9th, at 6 pm CT, when The Patriette and I will carefully select the winner. UPDATE: Time to get your entries in, if you haven't already done so! I'll keep the comments open until 8 PM CST, as I'm not likely to have Internet access at 6 pm anyway ... UPDATE II: Comments closed! Going to the judges' scorecards ......
March 10, 2004
The results are in for the weekly Photo Caption Contest! The Patriette, at the twilight's last gleaming, began the laborious process of weeding through the 62 outstanding entries in the comments section. These, then, are the winning entries that the rockets' red glare and bombs bursting in air give proof are still there: Patriette Missile Award -- Cassandra: Edwards: "Well... if you're sure this will win over the Log Cabin Republicans..." The Patriette's Star-Spangled Banter Award (for the most creative dialogue used as a caption) -- Don: (for those who remember the old Saturday morning 'Justice League' superhero cartoon): Both: "Wonder twin powers activated!" Kerry: "Form of: A Presidential Candidate" Edwards: "Wait! I wanted to be the Presidential Candidate!" 1st Runner-Up -- Bryan: The attached-at-the-brain Democratic candidates were separated after a long, grueling procedure that led to one's demise and the other suffering from schizophrenia and delusions of grandeur. 2nd...
March 16, 2004
Despite what you read about him in the papers, John Kerry is rumored to be quite a sport -- in fact, Captain's Quarters has a picture of Kerry in his element, obviously a master at the game: Yes, Kerry is a true New England Patriot ... make sure you note that the Captain put that in writing, too. Why don't you put your caption on this photograph in the comments section? The contest is open until Tuesday at 6 pm CT, and enter as often as you like. This week, we actually have a prize besides the admiration of your friends and the envy of your enemies! My best friend, Steve Filippini, has recently self-published a memoir of his days in the field as an alarm technician (which I informally helped edit), Fix It Or Pull It, which is now in the On My Desk section. (It's also available at...
March 17, 2004
The replay officials have consulted and have determined the winner, after a long game delay! Humorist and author Steve Filippini has picked the winner of this week's contest, who will receive a copy of Steve's new book, Fix It Or Pull It, a memoir of Steve's experiences as an alarm technician in the field. Captain's Award (Super Bowl) -- Jim S: "Senator Kerry uses a football to demonstrate for reporters the Vulcan Mind Meld technique he used on several foreign leaders to determine that they supported him over President Bush." Congratulations, Jim! You Have The Conn #1 (AFC Champ) -- spd rdr: "Tick..tick.. tick.. tick.." You Have The Conn #2 (NFC Champ) -- Pile On: "Ok, Gephardt, you run toward Iowa street then fade south and stay there, Dean go hard left and then off deep, Kucinich you go short, very short, Edwards, you aren't going anywhere, just stay in...
March 23, 2004
They say that behind every great man is a great woman. I don't know what to say about this picture, then: Maybe I don't know what to say about this picture, but I'll bet that you all do! Join our weekly Captain's Caption Contest and win the respect of your peers, the envy of your enemies, and the glory of concocting the perfect quip! Our guest judge this week will be Linda from the terrific blog, Auterrific. She's sharp and discerning, like all CQ readers (except possibly the Captain himself), so wind up your wits and start posting your comments. The contest closes at 6 PM CT on Tuesday, March 23rd. Good luck! And thanks for the link, Hugh! BUMP 3/20: Good entries so far -- Linda's got her work cut out for her! BUMP 3/21: Keeping it on top ... BUMP 3/22: Keep going! ... BUMP 3/23: Only a...
March 24, 2004
If you all have "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette playing in the background, we can announce the Caption Contest winners, as selected by Linda from Auterrific -- a great blog, and one you should definitely visit, by the way. Here's the picture: And the winners -- Captain's Award: Senator Kerry comforted an unidentified patient at the Central Vermont Medical Center where he unveiled his Mental Health Initiative. Posted by Jim at March 21, 2004 10:57 PM You Have The Conn #1: Don't worry Howard I learned this in a teamwork seminar. Fall back and I promise I will catch you. Trust me! Posted by N.E. Republican at March 20, 2004 03:30 PM You Have The Conn #2: That's right, Howie, hold that position. Steady....steady... Now, on the count of three say "Welcome to WalMart!" Posted by spd rdr at March 22, 2004 06:54 AM You Have The Conn...
March 30, 2004
Last week, I mentioned that behind every good man was a good woman -- but this week, it looks like John Kerry may have the proverb reversed: Sharpen your wits, maximize your Internet speed, and put your creative talents to use, and tell us what caption you think belongs with this picture (courtesy of DC from Brainstorming)! This week's guest judge: Jon from QandO, an excellent libertarian/economics blog that is on my daily-read list. The contest will remain open until Tuesday, March 30, at 6 pm CT, so be sure to enter early and enter often! BUMP 3/27 -- Lots of creative entries so far ... BUMP 3/29 -- After a day (mostly) off, I'm putting this back to the top ... CLOSING 3/30 6:10 PM: It's going to the scorecards -- thanks for all your great entries!...
Guest judge Jon from QandO -- a smart and informative blog that should be on your daily reading list (like you need me to tell you that) -- has made the final decisions in this week's Captain's Caption Contest. Just to refresh your memory, in case you can't scroll down three posts, here's the picture: Here's Jon's picks, in his own format ... After a lengthy review, we have a 44 way tie for "You Sick Bastard". My god, people, go call your mother and apologize. Immediately. However, only one of your mothers will be talking to a winner. The results are: ---------- Runner-up #3 (or: The "topical, pithy, amusing....you're Jay Leno!" award) "Actually, I pulled her away from the bus before I pushed her under it." Posted by Pat Curley March 27, 2004 08:23 AM ---------- Runner-up #2 (or, The "ewww....I never thought I'd miss the relatively discreet days...
April 6, 2004
It's that time again, and now we have a song to go along with our weekly Caption Contests: If you're going to I - da - ho, Be sure to show A flower in the snow ... Lame? You bet! That's why I need you to make up a better caption than this one. Put the winning caption to this Flower Power Kerry photo and win the respect and envy of your peers in the blogosphere. The contest will be open until Tuesday at 6 PM CT, when the winning entries will be hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar and placed on Funk & Wagnall's doorstep ... or something like that. Remember, the only losers are the ones that don't get submitted! BUMP 4/3: Hey, it's the Birthday Bump! I'm 41 today. How's that for a nice, round number? ... BUMP 4/4: Today will probably be a light posting day,...
April 7, 2004
Once again, we have picked the winners of the Captain's Caption Contest, and once again, it was a lot tougher than Kerry looks with his little flower ornamentation: Here then are the most notable posts. Just remember, there are no losers -- heck, even Kerry looks happy! However, I suppose looks can be deceiving, as a number of you picked a similar theme for your entries ... Captain's Award -- Ted: And after the sunuvabitch knocked me down I took the flower away as revenge, and hung it from my belt like a scalp! Meanest girl scout I've ever seen... You Have the Conn, You SOB #1 -- Flipper: So then that son-of-a-bitch Dean pushed me out of the plane, right over San Francisco! On the bright side, I think I earned a few votes while I was there. You Have the Conn, You SOB #2 -- Pat Curley: Daisy?...
April 12, 2004
Okay, it's Friday morning, second down, seven (months) to go ... John, you go long and see what you can do, OK? D'OH! Yes, it's time for the Captain's Caption Contest, and while we're cheerleading for the other side here, let's see if we can't come up with a fight song for John Fumble Kerry. Don't be afraid to go deep here -- toss up that Hail Mary and see what happens! Just remember to keep your eye on the ball ... Put your caption for the picture in the Comments section. Bill from INDC Journal will be our guest judge for this scrimmage. The whistle blows at 6 PM CT on Tuesday, April 13! BUMP 4/10 ... again, 4/11 ... BUMP 4/13: The contest will stay open to 9 pm CT, due to our appearance on tonight's Hugh Hewitt show! ... Comments closed -- thanks for some great entries!...
April 14, 2004
The Captain has to apologize for a delay-of-game penalty -- with all of the show prep for our fill-in appearance on the Hugh Hewitt show, I've been thrown for a loss in this game! With Bill from INDC Journal running interference, though, we've picked the winners for the latest Caption Contest. Just to jog the memory, here's the picture: Captain's Award (Touchdown) -- Robert the Llama Butcher: While on a tour of crucial battleground states in the midwest, Senator Kerry was unpleasantly surprised to to discover that "Punt, Pass and Kick" is not just the Democratic Party national security policy. You Have The Conn #1 (The Bomb) -- Cassandra: "Do I catch it, or let it go...catch it, or let it go...damn I wish those poll results were in!" You Have The Conn #2 (Student Body Left) -- Eric: That quarterback has thrown the most reckless, arrogant pass in pick-up...
April 20, 2004
What time is it, everyone? It's Caption Contest time! This week's entry comes from Jon at QandO, who will be guest-judging this week's contest. Q and O are two letters of the alphabet, of course, and perhaps that's what John Kerry is debating with this group of constituents. But note where Kerry is, and who gets the chair behind him: I'm sure you can come up with an appropriate caption for such a charming depiction of the political diversity of our education system! Simply submit it as a comment (no e-mails, please) on this post. Comments will remain open until Tuesday at 6 PM CT, when Jon and I will select the most notable, the most intelligent, and the most humorous of all the captions! Bribes don't hurt, either. I didn't get to be Captain by working hard, dammit! BUMP 4/17 -- Great entries are already rolling in. Can you...
The judge has spoken -- and the judge in this case is none other than Jon from QandO, a fantastic blog that should be on your daily-read list (after Captain's Quarters, of course!). Today, together with Jon's partner McQ, they've posted a review of the Arab press reaction to the Madrid bombings, the real status of the deficit, and especially the new effort to bring Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to the big screen. In short, QandO is like Alice's Restaurant -- you can find anything you want. Jon was kind enough to provide this picture for our Caption Contest ... ... and now he's selected this week's winners! Here they are: Captain's Award (Sailor Moon) -- Spd Rdr: Now pay attention, children. This is a voting booth. VO-ting boooo-the. On election day, you little guys go to the table marked "DEM" and the nice lady will let you go...
April 27, 2004
It's Friday -- time for a new Captain's Caption Contest! We have an intriguing selection by this week's guest judge, Gerbera Tetra, the place for bad commentary, bad ideas, bad motives and bad jokes. GT wants to challenge us all with this eerie image: You know what to do -- post your best caption lines in the comments section of this post (no e-mails, please), enter as often as you like, no purchase necessary, winner need not be present when selected, blah blah blah. We'll keep the contest open until Tuesday 4/27 6 PM CT, when GT will select the winners. Just remember -- if you want to win, don't hide your light under a bushel ... step out of the shadows and give it your best shot! BUMP 4/24: We already have a ton of great entries, but keep it up -- very impressive so far ... BUMP 4/25:...
The judge has stepped out of the shadows to shine a light on the winners of this week's Caption Contest! For those of you who have forgotten, here's the picture: Gerbera Tetra has selected his favorite entries for this week's contest: Captain's Award (The Limited Salute) -- Todd Robins: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of American, unless of course this offends someone in which case I will simply deny it later. And to the republic, for which it stands, one nation, under no ridiculous illusions of a higher moral power, with liberty and justice for any protected minority group. You Have The Conn #1 (You SOB Award) -- Scotty: In a move defending his ethnically challenged cabinet, Senator Kerry hires his own shadow to be his general secretary of urban music appreciation. When told that a dark shadow of a white man doesn't count as...
May 4, 2004
After a tough week on the campaign trail, one has to think that John Kerry might be a bit despondent. However, showing that Boston Brahmin/Botox optimism, Kerry keeps a happy face on and insists things are looking up: Yes indeed, it is that day of the week, Friday, when Captain's Quarters soars above the crowd to bring you the Captain's Caption Contest! This week we all point to Pat Curley at the Kerry Haters blog as the guest judge. (Er, from the title, can you guess what Pat thinks of our subject matter?) Please enter your captions into the comments section (no e-mails, please) and don't be afraid to send up a few trial balloons! Comments will remain open until Tuesday, May 4th at 6 PM CT, when Pat will select the winners. Have fun and keep checking back! BUMP 5/1: Happy May Day! Keep 'em coming ... BUMP 5/2:...
What's that -- up in the sky? It's a bird! It's a plane! It's an SOB! No -- it's the Captain's Caption Contest winners! Pat Curley, our guest judge from the Kerry Haters Blog, has selected the winning entries for this week's contest. Just to give you a heads-up, here's the picture again: Without further ado, here are the winners... Captain's Award (Outreach Award) -- Mike: "Don't Jump", shouted the presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee to the latest person to undergo vetting for the VP position on his ticket. You Have The Conn #1 (Cy Young Award) - Guy-N-Texas: And after I tossed my medals, er ribbons over the fence the wind caught 'em and they fell back down in my office. You Have The Conn #2 (Penthouse Forum Award) - Jim S.: I don't usually respond to spam, but let me tell ya, this stuff really worked! You Have The...
May 11, 2004
I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike ... I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like ... It's a beautiful Friday out here on the road, and so it must be time for another Captain's Caption Contest! John Kerry gave us this image to rally around, so let's kick off this week's contest in high gear. Shift into the comments and pedal [groan] your best effort to caption this delightful image. The contest will remain open until Tuesday, May 11, at 6 PM CT, when our mystery guest judge will decide on the winners! Oooh ... a mystery guest judge, you say! Or maybe you're saying that I'm covering up that I don't have one. Nonsense! [ahem] No, really ... I'll be making a major announcement later today, and at that time I'll update this post with the name...
May 18, 2004
Most people understand that it takes a lot of effort to run for office, but so much of it happens behind the scenes. For instance, one important component of campaign preparation is to go over talking points -- making sure the candidate knows a few core themes to sound out in every appearance. These talking points should represent the basic policy positions of the candidate so that the public understands why they should vote for him or her. In a Campaign 2004 exclusive, Captain's Quarters has discovered confidential images of Senator John Kerry reviewing his policy stances: Yes, it's Friday, and that means it's time for another Captain's Caption Contest! We want you to serve up your best caption for this picture -- I know with this audience (with all the aces we have!), we can smash a few winners. Just lob them up into the comments section -- no...
May 19, 2004
Sorry for the delay -- I hadn't realized that it was the Captain's serve! It's time to announce the winners of this week's Captain's Caption Contest, and our guest judges this week are Dr. Kate and Farmer Joe from Urban Farmhouse, a terrific new blog -- be sure to check it out. Just to jog your memory (another Forrest Gump reference?), here's the picture: Here are the winners! Captain's Award (Box of Chocolates) -- Shark: "Look at me! I'm playing poor man's squash!" You Have The Conn #1 (Floating Feather) -- Spd Rdr: With a subtle grace not seen since the Ford Administration, Senator Kerry gently nuances the ball over the net. You Have The Conn #2 (We're Not Relations, Sir) -- Chris B: "No, in Press-Ping-Ping you toss softies to me and stand there motionless as I score off you." You Have The Conn #3 (Sorry, Jenny) -- Attila:...
May 25, 2004
It's Friday, and that means it must be time for another Captain's Caption Contest! Yes, we all know how close the last contest was -- Dr. Kate and Farmer Joe nearly wrecked the Urban Farmhouse deciding which of your entries captioned the Kerry table-tennis extravaganza. Even John Kerry himself knows how close the last one turned out: I can't wait to see what you make out of this one! The contest stays open until 9 PM CT on Tuesday, May 25th (late closing time for some personal business, so take advantage!), at which time our guest judge will decide which of your entries wins out. Enter as often as you like, no purchase necessary, winner need not be present to win, bribes freely accepted ... you know the drill. Make sure you put your entry into the comments section -- e-mail will be shredded, set on fire, and force-fed to...
May 26, 2004
Better late than never, I always say! I've reviewed all the entries for the latest Captain's Caption Contest, and I have to tell you that it was a most difficult task. Too many of these entries were laugh-out-loud funny, and I know that I'll be leaving off some favorites. Woe to the Captain! When asked for comment, John Kerry indicated how much sympathy he has for my plight: Yeah, well ... A few themes developed in the submissions, and I've tried to get a representative of each one in the winner's circle (so to speak). So without further ado -- Captain's Award (Hip, Self-Referential/Suck-Up Category) -- Xrlq: And to think, Captain Ed was this close to finally running one measly caption contest that wasn't about me... You Have The Conn #1 (Vatican Ragging) - Jim S: ... and then I told the Bishop, "You'll have to pry this Communion wafer...
June 1, 2004
It's Friday, and so it must be time for the next Captain's Caption Contest! In honor of the new Roland Emmerich film, The Day After Tomorrow, Captain's Quarters has adjusted its normal contest material in order to highlight the terrible global warming problem that faces our planet. In an exclusive (yeah, sure), CQ has identified a major source of hot, noxious gas -- and all we need is your description of the image: It looks like John Kerry can breathe a sigh of relief this week! The contest stays open until 6 PM CT on Tuesday, June 1, at which time our guest judge will decide which of your entries wins out. Enter as often as you like, no purchase necessary, winner need not be present to win, bribes freely accepted ... you know the drill. Make sure you put your entry into the comments section -- e-mail will be...
June 2, 2004
The judges have returned with the winners of the special Global Warming edition of the weekly Captain's Caption Contest! Edward Yee did the honors this week, and did he have his work cut out for him. We received a near-record 107 entries this week from the blogosphere's most creative readership. In fact, Al Gore was so stunned by the response that he had the breath knocked out of him: Here are the winners: Captain's Award (Most Original) -- Donald S. Crankshaw: Fighting to contain a violent yawn at his own words, Al Gore is mistaken for a raving lunatic. You Have The Conn #1 (Great Minds Think Alike) -- Wacky Hermit: "wh- wh- heeeeee-- wh- wh- heeeeee..." "We can see the head! Now push! That's it, push with the contractions!" You Have The Conn #2 (Where One Man Had Gone Before) -- Scotty: In a certain epiphany for the ex-vice...
June 8, 2004
It's Friday, and what time is it? No, dammit, it's not lunchtime -- it's time for another Captain's Caption Contest! Or ... maybe it is lunchtime ... At the very least, it's time for a break from all of your hustle and bustle and enjoy some good fellowship. Just take a cue from John Kerry's dining buddy there on the right, and relax -- or else! Give us your best caption for this picture and win the hearts and minds of the American electorate -- or at least of longtime reader Peyton Randolph, who doesn't blog but posts lots of great comments on CQ. You have until Tuesday, June 8 at 6 PM CDT to enter your best captions in the Comments section of this post. (NO e-mail -- e-mailed entries will be shredded, toasted, tossed over a plate of escargot, and swallowed by Michael Moore in one smooth motion.)...
June 9, 2004
We have the winners from this week's Captain's Caption Contests! Many were entered, but in the end, few were chosen, and they were chosen by Peyton and Debbie Randolph, two long-time readers of Captain's Quarters! Just to give you another look at the menu, here's the picture: You all hit almost every theme imaginable for this -- the only one I thought got missed was, "You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant." Thank goodness, too -- that was pretty damned lame. (Now you know why I host these instead of enter them.) Without further ado, I'll serve up the winners: Captain's Award! (First among several with a great idea. Kerry is so not John Candy) -- MDatek: Who wants an orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips! Report to sick bay, on the double! (No lawsuit about the bill?) -- Paul B: So me and Teddy...
June 15, 2004
It's Friday, so it must be time for another Captain's Caption Contest! This week's entry comes from Ann's Fuse Box, which delved deep into the Kerry web site to come up with this winner: It recalls to mind the famous poem of Clarke Van Ness: 'Twas an evening in October, I'll confess I wasn't sober, I was carting home a load with manly pride, When my feet began to stutter and I fell into the gutter, And a pig came up and lay down by my side. Then I lay there in the gutter and my heart was all a-flutter, Till a lady, passing by, did chance to say: "You can tell a man that boozes by the company he chooses," Then the pig got up and slowly walked away. But that seems rather long for a caption, so why don't you all just come up with something better? You...
June 16, 2004
Ann from Ann's Fuse Box has finished judging the entries for the Captain's Caption Contest, and let me tell you, it was tough picking the best from a selection of great entries! Even John Kerry acknowledged it to Bill Clinton: "Just between you and me ... these entries are among the most lying, crooked captions ..." Here are the winners: Captain's Award (and Report to Sick Bay!) -- Aaron's Rantblog: "Look at THAT hot little humidor!" You Have The Conn #1 (Closest to reality) -- CCWBass: "Made you look. Man, Kerry, you're just too easy." You Have The Conn #2 (Who's the nominee again?) -- Dennis Swanson: "Oh, your posters??? Well we had to move them to the back to make room for my book promotion banners. They're back over there. But hey, to make it up to you, buy a book on the way out and I'll autograph it...
June 20, 2004
It's Friday, so it must be time for another Caption Contest! Whiskey selected the picture this week from reader Cameron Wood, who will be our guest judge this week. Whiskey and I make a great team -- better than this one, judging by one of the people pictured: You have until Tuesday, June 22 at 6 PM CDT to enter your best captions in the Comments section of this post for Cameron to guest-judge this week. (NO e-mail -- e-mailed entries will be shredded, toasted, tossed over a plate of escargot, and swallowed by Michael Moore in one smooth motion.) Enter as often as you like, no purchase necessary, tax and title belong to CQ, winners need not be present, and as always, bribes are most welcome ... and don't forget to check out Cameron's blog! BUMP 6/20 ... COMMENTS CLOSED: A little late, since Cameron has already selected his...
June 22, 2004
The judge has made the selections for this week's Captain's Caption Contest! Cameron Wood, the writer of the fine blog Way Off Bass, has had to wade through a number of excellent entries (and some non-judge voting, for that matter!) in order to come up with these great winners. Just to refresh everyone's memory first, here's the picture: Captain's Award (Goin' Large) -- Thief: "This is John. John recently talked to his doctor about Enzyte, the once a day pill for natural male enhancement. Now John has a fresh burst of confidence, rising poll numbers, and a very happy missus on the campaign trail." You Have The Conn #1 (People's Choice Award) - Wacky Hermit: "In an effort to show his multilateralism through solidarity with the Iraqi insurgents, John Kerry demonstrates the technique of using women as human shields." (a special good luck to the very-much-ready-to-give-birth Wacky Hermit!) You Have...
Continue reading "Caption Contest #15 Winners!" »
June 27, 2004
It's Friday, so it must be time for the Captain's Caption Contest! Out here in Minnesoooooota, the weather is terrific, the weekend's coming up, and the Northern Alliance Radio Network will be on the air tomorrow -- it's enough to make you dance in the aisles ... Well, maybe that's the Safety Dance. Anyway, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be sealed in an empty French wine bottle and placed under the rear tires of Barbra Streisand's hybrid limousine.) The contest will remain open until 8 pm Sunday, June 27th*, at which point the comments will be closed and longtime reader MDatek will pick the winners. Remember, enter as often as you want, no purchase necessary, winners need not be present to win, and bribes are freely accepted. Let the games begin! * - Note that the contests will finish...
June 28, 2004
The entries have been judged ... the names have been selected ... and John Kerry has begun his happy dance ... It must mean that MDatek, this week's guest judge, has readied the winner's list for this week's Captain's Caption Contest! And apparently MDatek is a big Minnesota Vikings fan, which means he's unstable and unpredictable -- so let's see how that plays out, shall we? Captain's Award (Randy Moss Lateral to Moe Williams - Touchdown!) -- Scotty: The presumptive democratic nominee, who suspects himself of having a hernia, distracts the audience with his right hand while self-admisitering himself a quick turn-and-cough exam with his left. You Have The Conn #1 (Brad Johnson touchdown pass to.... Brad Johnson?) -- Jon Henke: So, what you're telling me is...you put your right hand in...and then you put your right hand out? And that's what it's all about? My god, now there's a...
July 4, 2004
It's Friday, so it must be time for another edition of the Captain's Caption Contest! John Kerry's taking a couple of days off, se we're going to give him a break. After all, it's been a long week, a trial, if you know what I mean. You don't? I think this guy does: Yes, here's your opportunity to caption the Master of Disaster, The Mother of All Mother******s himself, Uncle Saddy! Our guest judge this week will be Bill from INDC Journal, an excellent blog that mixes humor with some terrific on-the-ground photojournalism (and regular journalism, too, for that matter). But there's a catch this week ... Bill is currently raising funds for the family of Captain Dan Eggers, a Green Beret that Bill knew in high school who lost his life in the effort to free Iraq from the genocidal maniac pictured above. His PayPal tip jar has stalled...
July 5, 2004
What a great caption contest we had this weekend! Even on the new abbreviated schedule, we had 91 fantastic entries ... close to a record here at CQ. Bill from INDC Journal has finished judging all of your suggestions -- and speaking of judging, even Uncle Saddy pointed out a couple of excellent captions: Here are the winners: Captain's Award (Have We Heard This Somewhere Before?) -- Kris: "We're going to invade Iran... and Kuwait... and Syria... and Saudi Arabia... and then we're going to Israel to take back the Holy Land... YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARGH!" You Have The Conn #1 (Off His ZZ Top) -- Thief: "They come a-runnin' just as fast as they can, Baby go crazy 'bout a Sharp Dressed Man!" You Have The Conn #2 (Like No Business I Know) -- Retired Military: "What do you have to say to the charges levied against you Mr. Hussein?" "That's SHOWBIZ!!!!"...
July 11, 2004
We take a break from all of this serious talk to get down to serious Friday business -- the relentlessly unserious Captain's Caption Contest! Yes, we all have to take a break from the rigors of our daily, serious tasks ... but in some cases, it's really hard to tell the difference: Guest judging this weekend will be my good friend and colleague from Fraters Libertas, the seriously unserious Saint Paul. The Fraters guys are raising funds for a worthy cause -- an inline skate rally for Multiple Sclerosis. (They're against it.) If you can drop a few coins in the jar, they'd certainly appreciate it. As always, leave your comments on the comments page, and as always, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be sealed in an empty French wine bottle and placed under the rear tires of Barbra...
July 12, 2004
The entries have finally been judged, the winners have been chosen -- and let me tell you, it wasn't easy for Saint Paul from Fraters Libertas. He wound up having to check in with John Fogerty, who finally gave him the approval sign on his slate of winning entries: Here are the John Fogey Fogerty-endorsed winners: Captain's Award (Manly Men Doing Manly Things) -- Kimmber: It's been 5 minutes since I've hugged a caucasian male with great hair. Come here little fella........." You Have The Conn #1 (Can't Find Good Help) -- King: When is the butler going to come get this thing off me?" You Have The Conn #2 (First Things First) -- CCWBass: ". . . and I figured, the hell the terrorists! I'm not going to let them keep me from rockin' on, and so I ditched the briefing and grabbed my guitar, and here I am!"...
July 18, 2004
It's Friday, so what time is it? Time for a kiss goodnight? Time to kiss the week goodbye? Time to kiss my -- [Sorry. That's the last time I have Whoopi Goldberg do my introductions ... CE]. No! It's time for another round of the Captain's Caption Contest! This week's entry comes to us from Chris at Candpeez, one of our regular readers. He catches Kerry in an attempt to, ah, inject a little warmth into the campaign: Another Kerry strategy down the drain! As always, leave your comments on the comments page, and as always, put your best caption entries in the comments section -- NO e-mail, please! (E-mailed entries will be shredded, tossed lightly over a double-serving Slim-Fast shake, and served to Whoopi intravenously.) The contest will remain open until 8 pm Sunday, July 18th, at which point the comments will be closed and Chris will pick the...
July 19, 2004
Well, folks, the butt-kissing is all over -- Chris at Candpeez has made his selections. He had one heck of a time getting through all of the excellent entries this weekend, but in the end he had to boil it down to just a few entries. Before we kiss this one goodbye, though, let's take a last look at the picture: Here are the winners! Captain’s Award (French Kiss) The Charles M. Jones Memorial Award: Thief [In the voice of Pepe Le Pew] "Ah, my great bun-del of sweetness...(kiss kiss)...eet ees love, love, love at sight first, no eet ees not, yes? Ah...ZE MAD RUSH OF HOT BLOOD TO THE TEMPLES...(kiss kiss)...Ah, Golden girl, you are ze corn-beef to me, I am ze cab-baj...(kiss kiss kiss)... I like eet... [Teresa escapes his embrace and runs] "Come back, small one, come back! Ze corn-beef do not run away from ze cab-baj!"...
July 24, 2004
It's Friday, so it must be time for another Captain's Caption Contest -- our 20th edition! It's getting pretty danged hard to keep up with John Kerry's flip-flops. This morning, Kerry's campaign is pushing the notion that they'll sell a softer, gentler Kerry in the leadup to the convention: This is an emotional side of Kerry that he rarely shows publicly. At campaign stops he often asks voters personal questions about their health, their age and even their income, but he doesn't reveal much about his own feelings or share personal stories. He usually leaves that duty to people who campaign with him, including his children, his wife and his former Navy crewmates from the Vietnam. But don't think he's gone all wussy on us, either (thanks to my partner Whiskey, who sent this ahead of a half-dozen others): Guest judging this week will be Chumley Wonderbar from Plastic Hallway,...