October 3, 2003
A long shot, if you'll pardon the pun
I doubt this will pan out for the sniper suspects, seeing as how the 9th Circuit won't have jurisdiction on appeal....
October 7, 2003
Ladybug, ladybug, fly the hell away from me
Yeah, I came home from visiting my wife at the hospital tonight, and had to kill a half-dozen of these little suckers before I went to bed. I haven't been bit yet, at least not to my knowledge, but they're everywhere, and I'm surprised that it was only that many inside. These aren't the red variety; they're Asian lady beetles. Not too much difference, just the color. Lady beetles pose no danger to humans, although they do bite. "They'll land on you and taste-test you to see if you're food," Hahn said. "It's more of a pinch, although they can break the skin. There's no disease associated with them, and they're not drinking your blood. . . . They don't mean to be attacking us. They don't know any better." Well, that's comforting....
October 13, 2003
Man Attacks Stain in Trousers...Destroys Apartment
Or, you could say he was really washing with gas!...
Return of the Road Map
I don't know if I agree that the Middle East Road Map is the evil clone of this historical document -- the argument can be made -- but at least this is pretty darned funny, and well-written, too....
You have got to be kidding me ...
I'm not even going to try to introduce this. I'll just let this speak for itself. (Caution: May be disturbing to some readers.) Have a nice night, folks. Sweet dreams. Heh heh heh....
October 15, 2003
Day by Day - 'Covering' the election
Chris Muir makes another pithy but pointed statement on newspaper 'coverage' in recent elections. Gee, I wonder what he may mean by that? Perhaps we should ask Jill Stewart ......
October 16, 2003
Finally, the truth comes out ...
... it was all Steve's fault. Bad blogger! Bad, bad blogger!...
October 17, 2003
We could always rename it Wanker
Let's hear it for GM's marketing folks: their new name for the Buick Regal certainly has instant recognition, if nothing else: General Motor's plans to rechristen the Canadian-built Buick Regal passenger car as the Buick LaCrosse have hit a snag: In Québécois youth culture, the word is slang for masturbation, among other things...Stew Low, a GM Canada spokesman, said in Quebec youth culture the word is a slang term "that means a couple of things, either to masturbate or 'I just got screwed,' or 'I just got taken.' " I can't think of anything that would help sell cars better than to pick a name which either reflects that the owner has no (binary) social life, or is a complete tool just waiting to be taken. Here's a few more names GM may consider in coming months: * Chevy Schlemiel * Cadillac Bunko * Pontiac Pudwhacker (Pee Wee Herman Select...
October 19, 2003
Don't I Know You from Somewhere, you SOB?
I suppose when this 22-year-old man first went to jail, he felt that his life was over. However, in one of those coincidences that make you want to believe in a Higher Power, or at least in karma, he was surprised to recognize his new cellmate: Authorities say he recognized cellmate Kevin Kinder as the man who abused him and three other boys when he was 11 years old. His lawyer said the man, who is now 22, jumped on Kinder and punched him repeatedly. The former victim's mother called the encounter a "fluke" but added that it was very "therapeutic" for her son. "Therapeutic". Yeah, that's what it was. "Poetic justice" comes to mind as well. People often say, "Just lock me in a room with the guy for five minutes," but here's a man who actually got to do it. Kinder's doing 60 years for violating his probation,...
October 20, 2003
Lieberman, Clark to Skip Iowa Caucasus
In a surprise move, Senator Joe Lieberman and General Wesley Clark have declared their refusal to campaign in Iowa in order to protest Iowa's annexation of Central Asia. Hint: The plural of "caucus" is "caucuses", in English anyway. The Caucasus is an area in Central Asia that include the Republic of Georgia, Azerbaijan, and Armenia. Perhaps the AP may have heard of it before. Or, perhaps not! UPDATE: They changed the headline to read "Caucases", which now doesn't mean anything....
Are German Men Really This Pathetic?
German wives who dislike having husbands in tow while shopping can instead put their hubbies in day care: For women who want to be able to shop without grumbling partners in tow, the "Men's Garden" has the advantage that they know where their men are and can limit how much they'll spend. "I wanted to shop in peace," said Jeanette Brendel after dropping her husband off, paying the 10 euro fee, collecting a "receipt" for him, and kissing her middle-aged husband goodbye for the afternoon. What a concept! How lucky for German wives that they can avail themselves of this service, since German men apparently cannot muster up the brain power to keep themselves occupied while their wives shop. Don't you love the "receipt" thing, too? As if they couldn't tell which one of the oafs still left in the romper room was the one to which they're married? And...
October 23, 2003
Where's the beef?
Check out the third item on this list of recent recalls: An Indiana company has recalled 33,000 pounds of frozen corn dogs because they contain undeclared ingredients that could cause allergic reactions in some consumers, the Agriculture Department said. The corn dogs from Olympic Food Products contained eggs, beef and whey that weren't on the label. I can understand the concern here -- I certainly wouldn't expect beef in a corn dog! My goodness, what is the world coming to, when you can find actual beef in a frozen corn dog! This ... is all Bush's fault, of course....
October 24, 2003
S.F. mayor tries to foil "coup" attempt
You can file this under No Good Deed Goes Unpunished: An outraged Mayor Willie Brown decided to cut short a trip to Asia on Thursday to contend with a coup by a city supervisor who made two key appointments in the 14 hours he acted as mayor. ... As Mayor-for-the-day Wednesday, Supervisor Chris Daly secretly appointed and swore in two environmentalists to the city’s Public Utilities Commission, then announced the appointments on official letterhead he had drawn up for the occasion. Brown is outraged by this, of course, as he should be. The transferring of mayor powers has always been a symbolic act, a gesture to reward friends and soothe ruffled feathers of opponents. Mayor Brown was said to be particularly livid because the mayor-for-the-day honors had been intended as an olive branch to Daly, with whom Brown has never gotten along. “Mr. Daly showed he is still the spoiled...
October 25, 2003
Just don't forget the Lembas
I'm telling you, these maps on the Internet get more and more accurate all the time. Just be sure to plan for a stop in Rivendell for some shopping and good food. (via Amygdala)...
October 27, 2003
Yo! Yasser, Ariel -- Let's Do Lunch
The problem with Hollywood stars is that they don't understand that their popularity comes from speaking words written by other people while being filmed by other people on projects that are financed by other people. Playing a doctor on television does not qualify one to perform brain surgery, even if you can say, "I need that Fleeber retracter stat!"
October 30, 2003
Next up, we'll ask if he had a lawnmower
Does this qualify as breaking news at ABC? ABC screened the special for some reporters and religious leaders on Thursday. The program is based on the best-selling novel, "The DaVinci Code," which claims to be partly grounded on historical fact. The book asserts that Mary Magdalene was Jesus' wife — not a prostitute, as in some teachings — and that she fled Jerusalem with his child following his crucifixion. ... The show unravels like a mystery perpetuated by secondhand gossip. Vargas said ABC found no proof that Jesus had a wife, but couldn't completely discount it, either. Here's a list of other things they couldn't prove as well: * Did Jesus have an Easy-Saver card? * Did Jesus have a black-velvet painting of Elphaes ben-Presley? * Did Jesus have the heartbreak of psoriasis? * Did Jesus have a good singing voice? * Did Jesus have a wristband that said WWMD?...
October 31, 2003
Julie Burchill: Mind the gap
A big thank you to Glenn for pointing out this gem of a column in the Guardian, regarding the hypocrisy of the hip. You absolutely must read the whole thing; that is an order. It's impossible to excerpt this without violating all sorts of "fair use" restrictions, but I'll try: But unenlightened, repressed people have an excuse for being hypocrites - that they are unenlightened and repressed, and so presumably don't know any better. No, it's the hipocrites who fascinate and repel me; the enlightened, unrepressed, liberal thinkers whose deepest governing belief would appear to be "Do what I say, not what I do", and who seem to believe that the rest of us are too thick to notice the yawning credibility gap opening up between their feet as they pontificate. ... You expect Ms Dynamite and Justin Timberlake to mouth off against American war in Iraq/US cultural imperialism just...
November 2, 2003
The First Sane Argument Against School Vouchers I've Seen
Yeah, I know, this isn't funny ... except it is, in a class-warfare kind of way: Three high school students — a sophomore girl and two junior boys — have been expelled from an exclusive preparatory school in the Sepulveda Pass for allegedly making a sexually explicit video and distributing it on school grounds. ... Wrubel, who did not release the students' names or ages, said two of the students in the video seemed not to know that the recording would be shown to anyone outside a close circle of friends. "They thought they were just doing it for fun," Wrubel said. "And then it showed up in school." I expect that the ACLU will sue the school on behalf of the two boys, claiming oppression of free-speech rights, and Gloria Allred will sue on behalf of the girl, for any manner of civil damages, and for good reason. Still,...
Will CBS Broadcast This Movie?
IMAO has a script for Les Moonves. Hopefully, we can get Tim Robbins to play Bill Clinton, Pamela Anderson to play Hillary, and Edward Herrmann to play Janet Reno....
November 4, 2003
If Loving You is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right
It's a bust! In fact, it was a lot of them for South St. Paul police officers responding to complaints of drug use: Twenty minutes before police raided a South St. Paul sex swingers club, one of the partygoing couples reportedly won the top prize — a sex game — for their Halloween costumes. They were dressed as a police officer and a jailbird. When the real police arrived at 1 a.m. Saturday, they found about 100 partygoers in the two-story building between two bars on South Concord Street. Officers also found small amounts of methamphetamine and cocaine. Three people were arrested in the raid; everyone inside was identified and photographed. Yes, thank goodness for the South St. Paul police. I feel so much safer in my community now that we have pictures of all the spouse-swappers out on the town last weekend. Why spend the time on photographing people...
November 6, 2003
She Ought to Just Call His Bluff
Yeah, right, twice a day every day. Sounds like a typical guy ... who's having delusions of adequacy. If I were the wife, I would have said, "But Your Honor, I would like a definition and standard of performance on his part as well. Two pumps and a tickle may be time-efficient, but it's hardly what I call performance, if you get my drift."
November 7, 2003
Maybe They Should Be More Specific
Do you remember the couple having sex in St Patrick's Cathedral in the New York radio stunt? The woman involved was sentenced yesterday for her part: A woman accused of having sex with her boyfriend inside St. Patrick's Cathedral as part of a radio show stunt was sentenced to five days of community service. Loretta Lynn Harper, 36, pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct on Thursday. Harper could make a semantic argument that she was performing community "service" in St. Patrick's Cathedral, but I'm sure that the judge has something a bit more tame in mind. In an odd and morbid note, her 38-year-old partner in crime died of a heart attack earlier this year....
November 8, 2003
You Should Try It From The Other Side
I found a good blog that I'm adding to my blogroll, Bloviating Inanities, which on one hand elevates link-whoring to a new level, while in another post, openly hopes that all readers go away: It is the goal of Suckwatch to annoy and alienate every blogger who reads me so eventually I have no readers and don't have to blog anymore because frankly, it's a big pain in the ass. This mission statement knows what you're thinking - why don't you just quit blogging, you idiot! Well, that would certainly be the logical thing to do, wouldn't it. I love self-contradiction, and so I'm going to be visiting often, although apparently I will eventually be the only one. However, this post is the one that really got my attention, titled I'm an Idiot: As I've mentioned, we had an alarm system installed at our house because a neighbor got robbed....
November 9, 2003
Critiquing Irish Music
I'm a huge fan of Irish folk music, as well as a student of Irish Gaelic, but I have to admit that this post by Bill had me laughing out loud yesterday. You can't excerpt this stuff -- you just have to go read it. Oh, and sorry for the cryptic post in Irish, Bill; I had meant to go back and post the translation and completely forgot about it....
November 10, 2003
The Lord Works in Mysterious Ways
This is just too weird to leave alone: A Chilean trapeze artist survived a dramatic plunge after he landed on a fat spectator who broke his fall. It's like something from a Fellini film, or maybe David Lynch. Nah, for David Lynch, you'd have to have a Little Person speaking backwards as well. (via Drudge Report)...
November 11, 2003
You (and Bush) are likely too dumb for this
MS-NBC published a funny column on how lucky we Americans are to have celebrities to inform us how stupid we are: If you’re an American, chances are there’s a celebrity who thinks you’re dumb. Maybe even stupid. Or an idiot. Or something worse, which we can’t print here. ... Jane Fonda was in Canada this past April and said: “I don’t know if a country where the people are so ignorant of reality and of history, if you can call that a free world.” ... Also in Canada, Martin Sheen said recently: “Every time I cross this border, I feel like I’ve left the land of lunatics. You are not armed and dangerous. You do not shoot each other. I always feel a bit more human when I come here.” Lunatics, ignorant people, dummies — even dumb puppies. Yes, we got ’em all here. And then they wonder why all...
November 12, 2003
Consumerism in Baby Names, or Dipsticks On Parade
Another sign of the impending Apocalypse -- American parents are naming their offspring after commercial products: According to Social Security Administration research, out of the 4 million babies born nationwide in 2000, 55 Chevys, six Timberlands and seven DelMontes are about to enter preschool. And that's just the boys. Let's not forget the girls. Consider the 25 Infinitis, five Celicas, 164 Nauticas, 298 Armanis and 21 L'Oreals who turn 3 this year. Can our obsession with consumerism get any more crass? Can we possibly exhibit any more of American materialism than to name our own children after automobiles, cosmetics, and -- unbelievably -- cable television sports networks? So much for the little boy in Texas whose parents named their son ESPN (pronounced Espen). As far as Evans knows, only two babies in 2000 were named after a sports network. The other ESPN was reportedly born in Michigan a few months...
November 13, 2003
When Dreams Come True ...
Either this guy was having a flashback to a fraternity hazing stunt, or he really likes the casual look: Despite the rain and wind, a man decided to visit a Marshall [MN] convenience store wearing nothing but his ``birthday suit.'' The 38-year-old man was staying at a local motel. He ran from his room about a half-block and across one of Marshall's busiest streets to the store on Wednesday. Did you ever have one of those dreams where you are doing routine tasks when you suddenly discover you're naked? I don't think they're much fun, but to each his own. He's living the dream, all right! But what did he expect to do at the convenience store? A store worker said the man appeared to be trying to steal things. The manager was backing out of the parking lot, noticed the naked man entering the store and went in to...
November 15, 2003
Opus Returns! Garbo Speaks!
It was great fun. If it got strident towards the end of its run, if it introduced stupid characters like that *&^%^%$ cockroach, if it couldn't handle female characters -- we forgave all that.
It was Bloom friggin' County, man. Until it became Outland, which became inexplicable, and then became extinct.
November 19, 2003
The Master/Slave Controversy
Instapundit links to a post at Boing Boing that details a benighted response to the electronics industry-standard terms of master and slave. This is from an e-mail sent to technology vendors from Los Angeles County: One such recent example included the manufacturer's labeling of equipment where the words ''Master/Slave'' appeared to identify the primary and secondary sources. Based on the cultural diversity and sensitivity of Los Angeles County, this is not an acceptable identification label. We would request that each manufacturer, supplier and contractor review, identify and remove/change any identification or labeling of equipment or components thereof that could be interpreted as discriminatory or offensive in nature before such equipment is sold or otherwise provided to any County department. While I hardly ever pass up a chance to tweak the nose of my native LA, this issue came up years ago at my former company which will remain nameless (a...
November 20, 2003
She Wants to Throw The Book at Bambi
I don't know why I moved from LA to Minnesota. I honestly thought that I would feel safer here, but then I readthis story: Laura Lee Nicholas heard a couple of taps on her bedroom window Wednesday morning. Her day was about to get very interesting. ``All of a sudden, I heard this really bad crash,'' the 21-year-old college student said. ``I thought it was a burglar.'' She hid under her blanket. Noise coming from her dresser followed, as she imagined a burglar taking everything out of her dresser. Nicholas thought the burglar had left her room, which is on the ground level of her parents' home. So she peeked out from under the blanket to grab a cell phone. That's when she saw a deer, staring right back at her. She still called police, and two officers quickly led the deer back outside. It was turned over to a...
November 22, 2003
Why California?
So I'm here in California now, land of Ah-nold da Governator and Carls Jr hamburgers ... mmm, good. The weather today is 65 degrees, sunny with a bit of wind. In Minnesota? 32 degrees and snowing. Heh....
November 23, 2003
You Wouldn't See This Christmas Special (Well, Maybe on Fox)
Disturbing? Yes. Deeply cynical? Undoubtedly. Hilarious? Yah, you betcha. Read the whole thing. And Merry ^%&*#%* Christmas to you too, pal.
November 24, 2003
Politburo Diktat: Ted Rall in 2005
The Commissar has a crystal ball these days, and he's not afraid to use it, comrades. In this post, he's looking into Ted Rall's future commentary, and has translated the screams and grunts thusly: Thank you for joining the ABB (Anybody But Bush) resistance forces. You have been issued an AK-47 rifle, rocket-propelled grenade launcher and an address where you can pick up supplies of bombs and remote-controlled mines. Please let your cell leader know if you require additional materiel for use against the Bushies. I don't regret voting for Howard Dean in 2004. But Bush seized power again in 2004, 54% of the popular vote and 300 electoral votes notwithstanding. Read the whole thing, or be prepared to explain to Glorious Revolutionary Political Apparatchiks why you have failed in this assignment. And Comrade Commissar, if you're checking me out in that crystal ball, I swear she never told me...
November 26, 2003
Gray Lady Getting Alzheimers?
Eric at Viking Pundit notes an unusual correction by the Newspaper of Record: The diagramless puzzle in the magazine on Sunday provided an erroneous clue for 21 Down, seeking the answer "Colin." Colin Powell is secretary of state, not defense. Now, perhaps I am being a bit harsh, but shouldn't a newspaper know the correct job titles for a sitting president's Cabinet members? Especially in this case, where the Secretary of State is frequently hailed by said newspaper as a lone voice of reason in this administration, while the Secretary of Defense is routinely castigated? I understand that this is just a puzzle, not a hard news story. But one would suppose that the Times allows its employees to read the entire paper; if this is an example of how well the Gray Lady serves to educate its readership ......
November 30, 2003
Perhaps They Could Call Him "Dances With Weasels"
It's a story straight out of Hollywood, and may wind up there: A 59-year-old retired builder from Yorkshire, northern England, was shocked to discover he is in fact a tribal chief with a claim to thousands of acres of land in Canada, British newspapers reported on Friday. Mick Henry, the son of an English mother and a Canadian soldier over in Britain during World War II, was recently tracked down via the Internet by his long-lost Native Canadian relatives from the Ojibway tribe in the province of Manitoba. Until recently, Henry hasn't bothered to learn much about the people he's destined to lead; he thought that they still lived in teepees until he was told about his inheritance. However, Henry is determined to bring Western values to his tribe, even though he still lacks a ceremonial name: Henry is also apparently hoping to cash-in on his new-found heritage and sudden...
The Patriette Quails at the Cold
A big thank-you to the Patriette, who recently included me in her blogroll, but she seems to have an issue with Minnesota. She's applying for doctoral programs and one of her choices is, or was, the University of Minnesota, which is near where I live. (The Patriette adding to the collection of Northern bloggers? How cool would that be?) Inexplicably, this picture may have dissuaded her: I just have to say that as someone looking into their programs and currently living in Texas, THAT PHOTO DOES NOT MAKE ME WANT TO ATTEND THE UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA! It makes every person who's told me that I am insane for wanting to move north because it gets so cold up there seem correct. Kelly, don't worry about this picture. It's designed to keep out all of the riff-raff from the Paradise that is the Upper Midwest. Just because you can drive pick-ups...
Gollum: What I Really Want to Do is Direct
The New Zealand Herald manages to scoop the rest of the world media in its exclusive interview with the ever-reclusive, ever-controversial Gollum: The first thing you notice when meeting Gollum in the flesh (so to speak) is how much shorter he is in real life than he even appears on screen. Hobbits must tower over him. We're talking Kylie Minogue short. I reach down, we shake hands. The second thing you notice about Gollum is the smell of fish. James Griffin manages to get past the fish aroma to press Gollum on the rumors that he and Rings director Peter Jackson have not always seen eye-to-bugeye on artistic issues. Gollum feels that Jackson has been too much in thrall to the JRR Tolkien books: "We sees things differently, the Master and Gollum. Sometimes the way he treats us." He trails off into a moody silence, looks away, eats a handful...
December 3, 2003
Mac Eye for the Windows Guy
I got this link from a friend of mine who apparently has heard one too many Mac jokes. She sent this to me today. I wonder if she's trying to tell me something. I feel the need a latté and a manicure now, for some odd reason ......
December 6, 2003
Hello Kitty Communism
Oh, the Commissar will be most displeased with this display of decadence from CPUSA (via QandO). For instance, want to show your support for the proletariat? How about a Karl Marx Lunchbox? Karl Marx wrote much food for thought. Here's a box to put your lunch in. Hungry for more? Click image. No? A bit too childish? You could always buy a Commie Bear for your appropriately socialistic sweetheart: Commie bear! It's the Communist Party USA logo on a teddy bear. Click image to shop for a variety of items sporting the CPUSA gear - hammer - sickle logo. Have they figured out that they've lost the war, and now they're just cashing in on the wreckage of 90 years? Or are they so benighted that they have no idea how baldly ironic Communist merchandising rights are? (Note: I would have posted the images of the merchandise here, but even...
December 7, 2003
Joe Candidate: The New Series from DNC-TV
It looks like Dennis Kucinich is going to get lucky. Cleveland.com is reporting that a 33-year-old stalwart Democrat beat out 79 other hopefuls to land a date with the long-shot Presidential candidate: After weeks of suspense, Don Juan presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich snagged a date yesterday with Gina Marie Santore, a 33-year-old Democratic party loyalist who currently works for the sheriff of Camden County, N.J. Santore used Internet politicking skills to defeat 79 others who tried to win a date with Kucinich through the Politicsnh.com Web site. She said she was drawn to Kucinich's "attractive platform," more than anything else. His "attractive platform"? Well, I've seen his picture, so I'd have to think it was his platform she found attractive, although Lord knows, this bald 40-year-old doesn't have much room to talk. The article details that the two are considering Indian food when they get together. Power Line gets a...
December 8, 2003
Recognition -- of Sorts -- at Fraters Libertas
Hey, I'm a jack-booted thug! Thank God, I found out ... my feet were killing me, and now I know why. Apparently my Vogon poetry touched a nerve over at Fraters Libertas, and now they've built another coalition to stop Hugh Hewitt from ... doing something. What do I know? I'm just waiting for the mysterious third task, like any other good jack-booted thug. So far, their alliance consists of such luminaries as Mr. Cranky, Infinite Monkeys, and Puzzlestud. Ed Asner is apparently standing by to act as a mascot, albeit a surly, egotistical one that reeks of Hai Karate. It's enough to make this thug nervous, uff da. While you're checking out their nefarious schemes, check out this post on their site as well. If you can think of anything sillier than a Catholic school using the beautiful but nihilistic song "Imagine" in a memorial service -- Imagine there's...
December 11, 2003
Allah Has Got the Pictures
Allahpundit has pictures of Howard Dean and Carly Simon at a fundraiser, along with a transcript of the conversation associated with each one. What, you don't believe him? Would Allah lie? Of course not. But maybe Allah would reciprocate a blogroll link ... UPDATE: Who says prayer doesn't work? Allah has been kind enough to bestow a link upon this blog....
December 15, 2003
Meryl Yourish Scoops Time Magazine
As I posted earlier, Time Magazine has published an account of the preliminary interrogation of Saddam "Peace! Peace!" Hussein. However, as we often see in the blogosphere, one of our peers has gotten the rest of the story. Meryl Yourish has the transcript: U.S.: How are you? S.H.: I am sad because my people are in bondage. U.S.: Would you like a glass of water? S.H.: If I drink water I will have to go to the bathroom and how can I use the bathroom when my people are in bondage? U.S.: Well, how 'bout a beer, then? S.H.: Okay, but only if it isn't that Zionist beer. I will drink, but I will still be sad because my people are in bondage. U.S.: So tell us where you're hiding the weapons of mass destruction. S.H.: Weapons of mass destruction? We have no weapons of mass destruction. Iraqis are too...
December 17, 2003
Haddayr's New Column: Tantrums and Politics
My friend Haddayr Copley-Woods has a new column out at the Minnesota Women's Press, and while I strongly disagree with her politically this time, she is a brilliant writer and her column will instantly resonate with anyone who has a child ... or grandchild ... who has reached the tantrum stage: “Look,” I said. “No more mittens. See?” I hung the mittens around my own neck. This gesture undid Arie completely. He arched his back and began banging his head on the sidewalk. I scooped up Arie, receiving bruise #1 in the shins; I headed homeward at a brisk pace. Arie flung himself backwards, shrieking. He then began, somehow, to cartwheel through the air while remaining in my arms. How he did this is difficult to describe, but it was definitely painful and caused bruises 2-5. Read the whole thing, and she's right about both parties throwing tantrums, as I...
South Park Rules!
Oh. My. Lord. If you saw tonight's new season-ending episode, then you know what I mean. Matt and Trey rock. That's all there is to it. I haven't laughed this hard at a sitcom in ... well, ever. If you missed it, catch it on repeats during the weekend. Suffice it to say that Parker and Stone keep up with current events. Good night!...
December 19, 2003
Headline That Defies Explanation
I won't have to explain to most of you why this caused me to do a spit-take when I read: Paris Hilton Beats Bush in TV Ratings It must have been one hell of a show ... can they do that on TV?...
Confidential to Mr. Cranky
Because I have no life, that's why. If you haven't seen Mr. Cranky's blog, take a long look! Or he gets ... well, cranky....
December 20, 2003
Inclusiveness
Hindrocket at Power Line has a good post on the type of faux-inclusiveness that will plague the entire election cycle; for the moment, it's limited to the Dean campaign, but it will spread like the common cold and in the end be just about as dangerous. For those who know a bit about the history and ideals of Kwanzaa, seeing the Dean campaign making fools out of themselves by associating their candidate with this Marxist-inspired celebration provides ironic amusement, if nothing else. Kwanzaa itself is harmless enough, although contrived. It does remind me of our first Christmas season in Minnesota six years ago. My son went to a local middle school, along with the kids of my best friend, who had moved out here a few years before. The two families attended the holiday musical celebration at the school, where the student bands and choirs performed for their families and...
December 21, 2003
I'm Who?
I never take these tests, and now I remember why ... EowynIf I were a character in The Lord of the Rings, I would be Eowyn, Woman of Rohan, niece of King Theoden and sister of Eomer.In the movie, I am played by Miranda Otto.Who would you be?Zovakware Lord of the Rings Test with Perseus Web Survey Software Which Lord of the Rings character are you? (via Dean Esmay)...
December 23, 2003
Code Orange: Translation by Zygote Design
Many people express their confusion over the meanings of the Homeland Security Alerts. Like any good blogger, Zygote-Design is here to help with a handy translation of Tom Ridge's text: Your awareness and vigilance can help tremendously, so please use your common sense and report suspicious packages, vehicles, or activities to local law enforcement. Normal person translation: Enjoy your Christmas holiday but everything you encounter could kill you. Packages of death, vehicles of death and even activities of death. Merry Christmas from all of us here at the Department of Homeland Security who will be whisked away to an impenetrable mountain fortress at the slightest hint of trouble while you die en masse in the streets of your concrete graveyards. Being in the government is cool. Sheesh ... for a man who just found out that his wife is having a boy, Zygote sure can be cynical! Be sure to...
December 25, 2003
Ho, Ho, No
Only in New York, or possibly Philadelphia, could a collection of 1,000 Santas spark a partisan riot. Not surprisingly, both cities figure into this story about a hockey promotion gone bad: The promotion invited fans to dress up as Santa Claus for [the NY Islanders] Tuesday night's game against the Philadelphia Flyers and be admitted to the Nassau Coliseum for free. What's more, they were permitted to parade across the ice between periods. About 1,000 Santa Clauses showed up and as promised, they were invited on the ice after the first period. This turned out to be not such a good idea. As the Santas milled around, two of them removed their red jackets to reveal jerseys of the rival Rangers — not a good thing to do in the home of the Islanders. Ignoring the holiday spirit, some of the other St. Nicks turned into Bad Santas, jumping the...
December 28, 2003
Danish, Anyone?
The Danes, descendants of the mighty Vikings, are trying to conquer the world again ... only in a slightly different manner than their first-millenium strategy: Danes are spreading their genes around the world faster than ever aided by exports from local firm Cryos International, the world's biggest sperm bank. Each year Danish men donate sperm that contributes to around 1,000 pregnancies, and with increasing demand from Americans, Cryos has opened its first New York office -- on Broadway. ... Cryos, which has currently accepts only Danish donators, exports to 40 countries. Well, it's certainly one way to achieve world domination with as little exertion as possible. Don't need those uncomfortable long boats, either....
December 29, 2003
Minneapolis: The Naked City
Neither rain, nor snow, nor gloom of night shall keep a naked Minnesota burglar from making his rounds ... A naked man got stuck in the chimney of a bookstore early Christmas morning. Don't worry, it wasn't Santa Claus. The 34-year-old man was treated Thursday for bruises and abrasions at Hennepin County Medical Center after being found naked and lodged in the furnace flue at Uncle Hugo's Bookstore. He was expected to be charged with attempted burglary on Friday. His excuse? He left his keys in the store and just wanted to go back and get them, even though the store had been closed on Christmas Day. The police said he was probably drunk. Gee -- ya think?...
I'm So ... Embarrassed
Power Line turned out to be Saddam Hussein. Mitch Berg turned out to be John Kennedy. And I turned out to be ... What Famous Leader Are You? AAAAAAUGH! The horror! The horror! (But, hey Hindrocket, at least Mitch and I get the girls ...)...
Society of the Master of the Horse
It took some time, some detective work, and a lot of patience, but I have defied the predictions of the gang over at Fraters Libertas and fulfilled Hugh Hewitt's final task for my entry into the Society of the Master of the Horse. As you may recall, I had to pass three arduous tasks: 1. Write a post that denounced the guys at Fraters Libertas in a particularly shameful way. 2. Create an epic poem that mentioned at least ten blogs ... and also denounced Fraters Libertas and James Lileks. 3. Lastly, get a picture of me giving James Lileks a Hummel. The third task has taken me almost four weeks to strategize. After all, James Lileks is a world-renowned figure, a man who would not be surprised easily, especially after being tipped off to my plans. However, I finally managed to catch up with James at an event I...
January 4, 2004
On The Other Hand, Maybe They Deserve Each Other
I've often taken the Minneapolis Star-Tribune to task for its editorial policy, claiming that the newspaper's knee-jerk Leftism ill serves its readership. Sometimes, however, I wonder if it's really true after reading letters printed in reaction to their articles -- letters like this one, for instance (fourth item): On Dec. 29, Native Americans commemorated the 1890 battle at Wounded Knee, where some 300 unarmed Lakota (Sioux) Indians were massacred by U.S. troops. On Jan. 2, the Star Tribune ran an article about L. Frank Baum, the "Wizard of Oz" creator, and his book on holiday window displays. Baum's masterful window decorating might merit a 24-column-inch tribute, but running it so close to the Wounded Knee anniversary is, at best, insensitive. Following Wounded Knee, Baum publicly championed the genocide of the Sioux. As editor of the Aberdeen Pioneer in South Dakota, Baum wrote of the slaughter that "our only safety depends...
January 7, 2004
Joan Crawford's Missing Daughter?
This is just ... uncanny: (thanks to my buddy, Steve)...
The Universe Is Male
AP Headline: Universe Lifeless After Big Bang I'm linking this back to Electric Venom: the Letter of the Day is T!...
January 9, 2004
And Escape Dean's Paradise?
A border town in Vermont wants to change addresses: Officials in the popular ski resort area of Killington want the town to secede from Vermont and join neighboring New Hampshire in a dispute over taxes. They say the town's restaurants, inns and other businesses send $10 million a year to the state capital in sales, room and meal taxes, but the state returns just $1 million in state aid to Killington. Even more galling to the town is a statewide property tax imposed in 1997 to fund schools. The town of 1,092 won a Superior Court order that called the state's method of assessing local properties "arbitrary and capricious," but the state Supreme Court reversed that decision. After twelve years of Dean's administration and tax policy, the town of Killington is so fed up they'd rather be annexed to New Hampshire. Not much chance of that, according to Vermont's Secretary...
To Our Friends Down Under: We're So Sorry
It's events like this that cause other countries to decry American cultural imperialism and make us look like a bunch of mouthbreathing morons: Barry "I still look like Greg Brady" Williams will be touring NSW in March with his more-than-just cabaret show, in which he sings, "teaches Brady Bunch choreography to audience members" and recounts stories from the show. "Brady Bunch choreography"? Does he mean like the dancing featured on the disastrous Sid & Marty Krofft variety TV series, The Brady Bunch Hour? Perhaps he means the choreography he demonstrated as Danny Partridge was kicking his ass on Celebrity Boxing. Or he could be referring to the moves he tried putting on Florence Henderson while appearing as her son on the original series. When Williams sticks to telling stories, he can be entertaining and self-deprecating, but Aussies aren't going to be that lucky: "Barry Williams raps, rocks, belts, sings ballads...
January 11, 2004
Stiff Sentences for Hardened Criminals?
Okay, if I am a firm believer in tough sentencing laws for sex offenders (see my previous post), then these guys need to be given some stiff penalities for smuggling: A federal grand jury on Friday indicted a Los Angeles man on charges of trafficking in counterfeit tablets of the anti-impotence drug Viagra that he purportedly obtained from a drug company in China, a U.S. Attorney's Office spokesman said. ... Agents seized about 10,000 blue pills stamped with the same markings as Viagra tablets, including the name of Pfizer Inc., the world's largest pharmaceutical company and the maker of Viagra. ... The charges of conspiracy, trafficking in counterfeit goods and selling a counterfeit drug carry a potential maximum penalty of up to 18 years in federal prison and a $2 million fine. Please feel free to come up with your own puns and drop them in my comments section. However,...
Post the Tape!
Comrade Commissar at the Politburo Diktat has a transcript from an underground video that may prove rather popular once it makes its way onto the Internet. In fact, it gives a new meaning to the phrase, "Move On": Iowa Hilton: Ahhh. Ahhh. Some Stud: Ohhh. Vohhh. Your votes. I want your votes. IH: (looking at network news cameras): Hi [giggles]. SS: What do you say? I can save you. Come here. Caucus with me for eight hours. IH: I don't wanna vote this way. I got to work for a living, and I've got kids. SS: How do you wanna vote? It'll only take 15 minutes. IH: This way. SS: You're not gonna be able to hear my opinion good from there. IH: Yeah I can. SS: Here. Read the rest, but be aware that it contains certain bourgeois expletives and decadent references to body parts that Young Communists should...
January 13, 2004
Whither the Dean Angst?
Hugh Hewitt had a fun time on his show tonight discussing the source of all the Dean rage after reading this article in the Los Angeles Times today: Dean bristled at those who questioned his motives. He had long had a habit of popping off in public, but until he became governor, no one paid much attention. Now they did. Wisecracks lightened the mood during Dean's drawn-out news conferences, but on occasion, his flippancy curdled. An avid radio listener, he would phone talk show hosts from his state-issue car, raining instant responses on surprised critics. He traded barbs with a welfare mother who had called in to complain about his policies, Hogan recalled. When a station in the town of Waterbury ran a Republican legislator's rebuke of a visit by Hillary Rodham Clinton, Dean called in, angrily comparing him to a barnyard animal, recalled the offended politician, J. Dennis Delaney....
January 16, 2004
Was This At The MoveOn Awards?
It's good to know that stupidity and vulgarity aren't limited to just the American left: Tony Blair has been called "a complete dickhead" by a leading Spanish politician live on television. The comment was made by Jose Bono, one of the three most powerful figures in the Socialist Party. His remarks were not intended to be heard, but were recorded by a television team while he was talking to Joaquin Almunia, a former Socialist leader. Mr Bono said: "Hey, and our colleague Blair? He's a complete dickhead (un gilipollas integral). He's an imbecile." Mr. Bono was foolish indeed, at least in that he didn't attempt to reach for Margaret Cho levels of obscenity. C'mon, Jose! If you're going to toss them out there, you owe it to yourself and your movement to at least make it more memorable than "dickhead". Doesn't that sound so childish -- something that an eight-year-old...
Power Line Explains Where All The Hippies Have Gone
The Big Trunk at Power Line relates a great e-mail from one of their regular readers, Dan Freeborn of the Star Tribune, who has listened to the Iowa caucus debates and found them all too familiar: It's all clear to me now. These guys are 1960s re-enactors but they have the ethos all wrong. Instead of the summer of love, they're promising the summer of crankiness. Call them The Unmerry Cranksters. With his shallowness and frequent fits of girlish pique, Howard Dean is their Un-Kesey. One pill makes you angry and one pill makes you small and the things that Howard tells you make no sense at all. Read the whole thing, and if you're not reading Power Line regularly, you should be....
Of Course We're Not Offended, You Sexist Pig
Women's professional sports, with the possible exception of tennis, have always struggled to find a wide audience. The problem goes back as far as the defunct professional women's baseball league featured in the excellent movie A League Of Their Own right through today's WNBA and LPGA. It seems that every time league executives address this problem, some idiot comes up with solutions like the one offered by FIFA president Sepp Blatter for women's soccer: FIFA president Sepp Blatter has caused an uproar by suggesting women soccer players should wear tighter shorts to bring more attention to their sport. Blatter said women's soccer needed different sponsors from the men's game and should seek to attract fashion and cosmetics companies by featuring "more feminine uniforms." "Tighter shorts, for example," Blatter told the Swiss newspaper SonntagsBlick. "In volleyball the women also wear other uniforms than the men. Pretty women are playing football today....
January 18, 2004
A Bit of Journalistic Irony
As I read over the main web page of today's Minneapolis Star Tribune, I noticed a link titled "Editor's Note: Why we pulled USA Weekend from Sunday's Paper." Certainly a provocative invitation, I began to wonder why: Financial disagreement? Offensive material? A Bush endorsement? When I clicked on the link, however, I found that even the explanation had been pulled from the paper. It looks like some sort of conspiracy! I'm sure that a portion of the blogosphere will assign deep and sinister intent to this, just like they do every time a 404 comes up on the White House web site. Those of us who live here will just continue to be amused by the parochial nature of our largest hometown daily....
The Iowa Hokey Pokey
Ever wonder how the Iowa Caucuses work? So have I; they aren't elections in which people vast secret ballots. Instead, as CNN explains, it's more like musical chairs, where caucusers walk around in each precinct until the music stops, forming groups that indicate support for each candidate (except maybe Kucinich). Those candidates who do not have at least 15% of the entire caucus must release their caucusers for the next round of the game. In between rounds, the candidates and their representatives harangue the participants with speeches, pleas, and promises in order to get already-committed caucusers to change their minds -- which they can do at any time. Only when all caucusers are committed to "viable" candidates do the precincts send these representatives on to the county conventions, which aren't held until the middle of March. In fact, Iowa doesn't actually decide on its final slate of delegates until the...
January 19, 2004
Prove It! ... er ...
Rumors have been spread among Northern Alliance blogs, and I want to clear something up with the American people right now: Despite what you may have heard, I did not have lunch with other NA bloggers last Friday. I did not have an enjoyable break from work with two intelligent and witty guys at a nice and affordable chain restaurant. I didn't share some great stories about our personal lives and blogging experiences. No siree. Not at all. Most of all, I did not have in my possession any kind of object that represents the Lord High Commissioner, one that reportedly travels more than I do. I categorically refute all allegations to the contrary. If those who would target me for such libel had any proof, any proof at all, I challenge them to produce it! Oh, crap. Uh ... it all depends on your definition of possession ......
January 21, 2004
Nancy Pelosi Frightens A Nation
From the reaction around the blogosphere, you'd think that President Bush's State of the Union address was simply a crowd-warmer for the real entertainment of the evening -- Nancy Pelosi's performance in the Democratic response that almost immediately followed. While both Daschle and Pelosi were both devoid of any specifics, at least Daschle looked like he liked being there; Pelosi's face was frozen into a mask of terror, with wide bulging eyes that seemed to be saying, "Stop me before my face shatters!" Nor was I the only one who noticed Pelosi's odd facial expression. The Instapundit, Glenn Reynolds, said: "Bush looks better now that the Democratic reply is on. Nancy Pelosi's unblinking, wide-eyed stare-into-the-camera delivery is just creepy. ("Please meet my captors' demands.")" Roger Simon's wife, screenwriter Sheryl Longin, has another reaction: "Botox." In fact, a number of Simon's readers said the same thing in his comments section along...
January 22, 2004
Hoist Upon His Own Petard?
Howard Dean, who pioneered the national Internet campaign, is finding out that the Internet is a double-edged sword, as reported by Newsweek and MS-NBC: You live by the Internet, you die by the Internet. Just ask Howard Dean. One minute, the Democratic presidential hopeful is harvesting new voters, and campaign contributors, online. The next, he’s being haunted by tech-savvy turntablists. Since his kinda-crazy concession speech in Iowa on Monday night, a bunch of audio files mixing music to his exhortations have been circulating on the Web. “We’re going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico. We’re going to California and Texas and New York!” It's the type of stuff you’d hear at nightclubs, not political rallies. The highlight? Repeated splicing and dicing of Dean’s “Yeagh!” outburst. ... Thanks for inventing the Internet, Al! Fellow Northern Alliande blogger James Lileks gets a big mention and...
February 9, 2004
Still Northern Alliance to Me
The Elder at Fraters Libertas has immortalized the Northern Alliance in song ... the Billy Joel song "Piano Man," to be specific. An "homage" like this deserves a response -- and one will be coming soon, I'm sure. Now where did my Jim Croce songbook go? Hmmmm .......
February 13, 2004
The Presidential Dating Game
No, I'm not talking about John Kerry's supposed dalliance. Last night, Dennis Kucinich appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and played a celebrity version of The Dating Game: The Ohio congressman asked questions of a trio of unseen women in a "The Dating Game" takeoff Thursday on NBC's "Tonight Show with Jay Leno." Responses by Jennifer Tilly, actress Cybill Shepherd and Los Angeles radio talk show host Kim Serafin blended sexual innuendo with politics and references to Kucinich's environmental concerns. I don't recall this much attention being paid to Jerry Brown's bachelor status when he ran for President in the 80s, but due to his dating history (Linda Ronstadt, for one) and his good looks, people may have assumed he could get his own girlfriends. Kucinich has no such pedigree, but he does seem to have a good sense of humor about himself and has played along with...
February 15, 2004
This Explains A Lot About My High-School Love Life
Just in time for Valentine's Day, CNN reports on an anthropological study that explains why Homo Erectus had such a thick skull: After studying fossils in a region called Dragon Bone Hill in China, anthropologist Russell Ciochon of the University of Iowa concluded males of the species were clubbing one another over the head, probably to win females. Those with thicker skulls who survived these bloody confrontations would pass that trait to offspring, Ciochon said. If you're male and you've been through high school, you should be very familiar with the mating-selection process that seems to favor aggressive, thick-skulled candidates who had no problem beating the others on the heads with clubs ... and books, and hoses, and rocks, and really almost anything else on hand, including the hand. The process is not limited to high school, either; you can observe the same results at nightclubs and other places where...
Shot In The Ash
The widow of a gun enthusiast and hunter has come up with a novel way to honor her dead husband -- loading his ashes into shotgun cartridges and shooting pheasants: Joanna Booth organised the shoot for 20 close friends on an estate in Aberdeenshire after asking a cartridge company to mix the ashes of her husband James with traditional shot. A total of 275 12-bore cartridges were produced from the mix and were blessed by a minister before they were used to bag pheasants, partridges, ducks and a fox on Brucklay Estate. The cartridges had something going for them; a novice shooter brought down four partridges with them. Even so, I'm not an opponent of hunting, but it seems a little creepy to mourn a dead husband by killing anything and everything that moves. How would you be able to eat any of the kill knowing that the buckshot probably...
February 24, 2004
Caption Contest!
Note: The winners can be found on this post! Here's something for a bit of fun -- take a look at the picture below of a soulful John Kerry singalong, and come up with your best caption. The prize? How about a tape of the Captain singing "Margaritaville"? Er, no ... better just be the fame and glory of winning this contest. Put your entries in the comments to this post. I'll announce the winner next Tuesday night. UPDATE: I'll bump this entry up each day to keep it near the top. There's been a terrific response -- I may have to bring in a guest judge to make the final decision here! Keep 'em coming ... UPDATE II: This contest has been wildly successful -- and instead of one winner, I'll be announcing two: one for best caption and another for best song lyrics, because you all have just...
Caption Contest -- Special Captain's Award
The trouble with running a contest like this now-closed Caption Contest is that you just can't plan for the creativity of such an intelligent readership as I'm fortunate to have. Just before the comments closed on this contest, reader Jim Styczinski sent me the following separated-at-birth graphic. On the left is Pablo Picasso's "The Old Guitarist" and on the right ... well, Jim's title is below the graphic: The Old Guitarist and The Botox Guitarist This submission deserves a special Captain's Award! ... er, whatever the heck that would be. Thanks, Jim!...
Caption Contest: The Winners!
After long consultations between the Captain and the Commissar, with liberal quantities of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum and Stolichnaya to assist in deliberations, we're ready to announce the results of the CQ Caption Contest for this classic John Kerry pin-up (suitable for framing): We both were impressed by the number and quality of the entries, and we thank you all. But we had to narrow it down, and so ......
February 25, 2004
No Sex Please, We're British
The Telegraph in the UK features an article on their web site about a "self-styled aristocrat" and glass-fortune heiress who will be doing time for entertaining the Lords and Squires in the hot tub: A self-styled aristocrat who was convicted of harassing her neighbours by having sex in her outdoor Jacuzzi has been jailed for refusing to wear overalls to do her community service. Julia Pilkington, 39, a member of the Pilkington glass family who calls herself "Lady", wore a miniskirt, low-cut top and gold flip-flops to carry out her community service clearing up litter from Forestry Commission land, a court heard. 'Lady' Pilkington claimed that the weather was too warm for overalls, although it's hard to imagine that any day in Britain would be too warm for a simple jumpsuit. I've seen a lot of people picking up roadside litter here in the States, but I don't think I've...
March 2, 2004
Friday Photo Caption Contest
Maybe we'll make these a regular Friday night feature at Captain's Quarters -- check out this photo below and give us your best caption! But be careful, because it looks like we may have hurt John Kerry's feelings the last time out ... The contest will be open until Tuesday at 6 PM CST. Enter as often as you like, no purchase necessary to win, rules at selected Captain's Quarters locations near you ... UPDATE: Bumping it up for the weekend ... UPDATE: Don't forget that the caption contest ends tonight! Get your entries in! UPDATE: I'm closing entries now, and thanks to all of you who entered. I'll have the winners posted by late tonight. Next Friday, we'll be doing this again, and The Patriette will guest judge the entries with me (I hope!) ......
You're All Winners, But Some More So Than Others
Thanks to everyone who entered Friday's caption contest! I had a lot of great responses, which everyone can see in the comments section of the original post. I'd tell you that every one of you is already a winner, but the Captain doesn't want to clean up after the massive bout of seasickness that would surely follow ... Here are the winners: Captain's Favorite: Bryan If I pretend to be napping, maybe I won't have to speak to that commoner. You Have The Conn #1: Dorkafork John Kerry tries to pry open his eyelids as rigor mortis sets in...again. You Have The Conn #2: Linda Presidential candidate, John Kerry, is suddenly struck by the fact that he is not drawing better looking volunteers. You Have The Conn #3: Dean Esmay Sen. Kerry wistfully remembers his days portraying Lurch on The Addams Family. Don't forget to check back again on Friday,...
March 3, 2004
Speaking Truth to Power
When people ask me to identify a hero, sometimes I have difficulty answering. Sir Thomas More? General Anthony McAuliffe, who famously replied "Nuts!" to a German demand for surrender at Bastogne? The Canadian diplomats who risked their lives to smuggle Americans out of Teheran in 1979? All good answers, of course, but now one man can take his rightful place with these other people of courage: Saint Paul of Fraters Libertas. JB Doubtless writes today about how SP spoke truth about an evil, in the middle of the lion's den (er, Giants den) itself. Here is an excerpt of this inspiring display of righteous bravery: Something sent SP off (a Bonds dinger? the memory fails) and he yelled "HE'S JUICED". Embarassed, but laughing, TRAH and I continued watching the game. But he wasn't done. In what could only be described as drunken, maniacal boorishness SP launched into a ten minute...
March 4, 2004
Protective Custody
Since I work in the security industry, stupid criminal stories like this never fail to amuse me. In this case, the police did this guy a favor by arresting him before he killed someone -- namely, himself: A Brazilian crook shot himself in the foot while trying to burglarize a bar, then left a trail of blood that led police straight to his home, police said Thursday. ... Police said Auad had broken into the bar several days earlier and had stolen a television set. He broke into the bar through the roof again on Tuesday night, but fell down and accidentally shot himself in the right foot, police said. Not only does crime not pay, sometimes it hurts like hell....
March 8, 2004
News From The Manhunt
Here's a hot news flash from the front lines of O.J. Simpson's quest to find the one-armed man -- er, killer of wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman: DirecTV is accusing O.J. Simpson of pirating its satellite television signal. In a lawsuit filed Wednesday in federal court in Miami, the company demanded the former football star pay DirecTV $20,000. Federal agents removed satellite TV equipment from Simpson's house in the Miami neighborhood of Kendall during a search in 2001. DirecTV alleges the devices were "bootloaders," for unscrambling the company's signals. Simpson could not be reached for comment, as he currently is undercover, posing as a dissolute and psychotic ex-celebrity in order to lure the real killer out into the open....
March 13, 2004
Wrong Numbers
From the blog Two Cents comes this amusing tale of a New York City girl who got a bit more than she bargained for when she changed her cell service. Her new number turned out to be the old number ... of comedian Chris Rock: I picked up the phone, flipped open the top and questioned, "Uh, hell-o?" "Is Chris Rock there?" Chris Rock?! Of course not! That's ridiculous. "No," I replied. I figured his asking for "Chris Rock" must have been some sort of inside joke with a friend, but he'd dialed my number instead of his friend's by mistake. I continued, "This is my cell phone number -- so you've got the wrong number." "Oh," the caller replied, "I must have dialed wrong." We hung up, and I didn't think anything more of it. Two days later, I was upstate, cruising around a Wal-Mart parking lot looking for...
March 17, 2004
Teens Get Too Much Sex and Violence
Two stories from today's Star Tribune give the impression that all of America is slowly turning into Sodom and Gomorrah, or even worse, Los Angeles. The one comfort we oldsters can take is that the more things change, the more they stay the same. In this week's installments of Teenagers Gone Wild, we have our first story, where school authorities had to end a Sadie Hawkins dance a wee bit early. From Bend, OR: Administrators at Bend High School sent students home when the dancing became too dirty at a school event. The Sadie Hawkins dance was cut off at 10 p.m. after students persisted in dirty dancing after repeated warnings from administrators. ... "There's no other way to dance besides being up against the other person,'' said Mat Baker, 17, a senior. "It's just the way people dance these days.'' McDermott said the school had heard complaints from parents...
March 19, 2004
A Severe Case of Cluelessness
You can lead a horse's ass to enlightenment, but you can't make him think. [Who said that? I did! -- Ed] A couple who had just gone to see Mel Gibson's powerful and controversial film, The Passion of the Christ, felt so moved by their experience that they debated the nature of God and the Trinity on the way home from the cinema. So far, so good. Unfortunately, when they decided to re-enact a couple of the scenes from the movie in order to resolve their debate, the police were called in: Davidson, 34, and her husband, Sean Davidson, 33, were charged with simple battery on March 11 after the two called police on each other. They were released on $1,000 bail. According to a police report, Melissa Davidson suffered injuries on her arm and face, while her husband had a scissors stab wound on his hand and his shirt...
Tarzana Joe: Poet Laureate for the Presidential Election
As is customary, Hugh Hewitt had Tarzana Joe close out his Friday show with a poem, and what a poem it was. Both the First Mate and I were laughing out loud during the entire poem, as we thought it perfectly captured the Kerry mystique. Here is the Tarzana Joe original: Meet the Candidate I'm an average man with a master plan I'm a warrior, like Attila And I'll lead the songs of the cheering throngs From my humble Tuscan villa. I'm the People's Choice with a noble voice That will never stam-- or stutter I don't like to boast but if I eat toast Well, you know, it won't melt butter. Yes, I stand tall and will never fall And can never be defeated Unless (boo, hoo) I get run into By some "expletive deleted". Any fool can see my philosophy Is transparent as a tissue I stand by...
March 24, 2004
It's Literally Rocket Science, You Know
Does the overuse of pet phrases annoy the hell out of you? When someone tells you that they literally died, do you feel like asking them what God looked like? Do you want to strangle someone when they talk about prioritization and half-full glasses? Take heart; the Guardian feels your pain. (Uh, sorry about that.) After running an article on cliche overload, the Guardian 'translates' one of the most well-known British speeches of the last century into current English patois. Here, then, is Winston Churchill in a less-than-stirring rendition of "We Shall Literally Fight Them On The Beaches": Basically, we shall literally prove ourselves once again able to defend our island home, to ride out the awesome storm of war and, at the end of the day, outlive the menace of tyranny, if necessary for years, if necessary alone. Because, with all due respect, it's not exactly rocket science. At...
April 22, 2004
Don't Be Shy -- Tell Us How You Really Feel
You have to hand it to the Brits; they know how to do a newspaper war. In what must be the worst case of sour grapes on record, the owner of the Express -- who lost out on a chance to buy the Telegraph -- wound up goose-stepping, making Nazi salutes and engaging in a foul-mouthed tirade during a business meeting with Telegraph execs [I've redacted the expletives]: Express owner Richard Desmond today launched an extraordinary tirade against Telegraph bosses at a meeting of their joint venture print works, hurling a string of abuse and goosestepping around a boardroom in mockery of a German newspaper group's bid for the paper. In scenes that will shock the Conservative party he has just pledged to support, Mr Desmond branded the Telegraph chief executive, Jeremy Deedes, a "miserable little piece of s**t" and said Germans were "all Nazis". Bear in mind that both...
April 27, 2004
I'm "Dark, Mysterious, and Introspective"
Yeah, well, it's going around, so I thought I'd take the Hugh Hewitt challenge and find out which Bob Dylan song I am. Now I have the results, and I still don't know what this means: Which Bob Dylan song are you?Ballad of a Thin ManClick Here to Take This QuizBrought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests. I think I need to consult with Big Trunk at Power Line to find out why ......
April 29, 2004
Al Franken: Neanderthal Man
The London Telegraph has uncovered new evidence as to why Al Franken is such an unpleasant little man: Evidence that the life of Neanderthal man was short and probably nasty, is published today. Short ... nasty ... Al! The Telegraph includes some convincing visual evidence as well: Of course, the good news is that the Neanderthals eventually went away, which may be happening soon with Al, if Err America keeps going the way it has been .......
May 1, 2004
Shhh! I'm Channeling My Inner GOODLE
At the end of yesterday's Bleat, James Lileks posted a link to a site he'd found when he misspelled Google during a search. I decided to follow his link, wherever his link may take me, and I wound up at the L & J Corporation, apparently based in South Korea. James' link allowed me the choice between a Korean-language site or an English-language site ... and I'm sure you can guess which one I chose. However, once I began reading the page, I was less certain that I had chosen wisely. Being a student of a foreign language (Irish, because it is so applicable in the Upper Midwest of the US!), I understand that translating text on a word-for-word basis without accounting for idioms and contextual shifts generate results that can be unintelligible, annoying, and/or hilarious. You tell me which you think apply: We produce and dispose of inner GOODLE....
July 7, 2004
How Many Johns Do They Need, Anyway?
The Admiral Emeritus sends me this question from the golf course regarding John Kerry's choice of running mate: I just heard that Kerry has picked Edwards for his running mate. They were saying on the news that it would be John-John in the White House. I don't understand their thinking. We currently have several johns in the white house and they all function quite well. At least the current johns don't change directions when confronted by people from different parts of the country. Although it would work pretty well as a campaign motto: "What this country needs is two Johns for every houshold". Dad And with that biting wit, its hard to understand why he isn't blogging himself ......
July 16, 2004
If You Think You're Having A Bad Day ...
I won't lie to you. I've had a tough week, managing to cap it off by throwing my back out. Just when I was ready to pack it in, though, I stopped by Auterrific, which put my week in perspective: A Romanian surgeon who underwent a fit of madness while operating on a man's testicles proceeded to amputate his penis and cut it into three pieces. Yikes! Jeez, I feel pretty guilty about my petty gripes now. Read the rest of the article and Linda's post for an attitude adjustment. However, if you don't feel like that's given you enough of a lift, try Linda's other suggestion and check out this unlikely duet on "This Land Is Your Land" by George Bush and John Kerry. Take a moment out from the campaign to have a great laugh. Good night, and we'll be back tomorrow!...
July 19, 2004
The Slippery Slope?
Hey, maybe we shouldn't have been so hard on Whoopi Goldberg -- it turns out that even the mighty Instapundit can't resist an R-rated pun at Bush's expense: Hugh Hewitt's new book, If It's Not Close, They Can't Cheat: Crushing the Democrats in Every Election and Why Your Life Depends on It, -- and, taking what I think is probably a very different view, a pre-print of Maureen Dowd's forthcoming Bushworld: Enter at Your Own Risk. (Irresistible Dowd-like observation: Bush? Enter? Sounds like a porn flick! Hey, there's a column in that, somewhere. . . .) I kid, of course -- and hope Glenn has a sense of humor. But if you haven't already done so, make sure you pick up a copy of Hugh's book, which hit #1 on Amazon over the weekend. Use the link here or the one from my Blogad in the sidebar, and pick a...
July 20, 2004
Today's Hollywood Consistency Moment
The San Diego Union-Tribune brings us today's Hollywood Consistency Award Winner, Linda Ronstadt, in an article pre-dating her unceremonial boot from the Aladdin Casino and Hotel in Las Vegas. Ronstadt discussed her penchant for dedicating "Desperado" to Michael Moore in her encore during her current tour with reporter George Varga, which led to this eye-crossing logic from the singer: "My career has befuddled other people, and it's befuddled me," admitted Ronstadt, 58, who finds her fans are polarized by her nightly on-stage salute to "Fahrenheit 9/11" filmmaker Michael Moore. "I've been dedicating a song to him I think he's a great patriot and it splits the audience down the middle, and they duke it out," she said. "This is an election year, and I think we're in desperate trouble and it's time for people to speak up and not pipe down. It's a real conflict for me when...
September 18, 2004
In John Kerry's (Fictional) Naval Tradition
David Strom from the Taxpayers League has his own blog along with his wife Margaret, Our House, which combines the best of political analysis and personal reflections, along with a good deal of garden photo-blogging. Taxpayers League sponsors our Internet stream, of course, and also has its own radio show on the stream three hours before ours. Today, David has a bit of fun with John Kerry, finding a parallel to Kerry in literature -- and the character is even a famous Navy commander! I kid you not. Just don't forget your steel ball bearings ......
October 8, 2004
The Do-It-Yourself Kerry Stump Speech
Okay, one last thing and then I really have to hit the road. Today's funniest site is Mr. Sun, who has a roll-your-own John Kerry stump speech that will have you in stitches. He also wrote a similarly funny one for George Bush. Check them both out. Because if we've lost our sense of humor, then the Kerrys will have certainly won ......
October 19, 2004
What If Bush Followed Kerry's Example In The Debates?
CQ reader Jeff Dennis has been thinking about John Kerry's response to the question about homosexuality, in which Kerry managed to bury his campaign in controversy by using Dick Cheney's daughter as a rhetorical prop. Jeff thinks about how Bush might have handled a similar question in a compassionate-conservative manner, and he came up with this hilarious dialogue: Q: Mr. President, in your last campaign you were heard over an open microphone describing a New York Times reporter as a "major league as***le." To understand how you came to that conclusion, I want to ask you a more basic question. Do you believe being an as***le is a choice? A: I just don't know. I do know that we have a choice to make in America and that is to treat people with tolerance and respect and dignity. It's important that we do that. I think if you were to...
October 21, 2004
Mekong Delta Blues!
I'm proud to be the first to release the new John Kerry campaign theme song, "Mekong Delta Blues", written and performed by the Sons Of The Blogosphere, a local group in the Twin Cities. You can download the file at this link and have a listen for yourselves. The Sons have kindly provided the lyrics to this soon-to-be classic: I hear that swiftboat comin', it's comin' 'round the bend, I ain't had my head above the railing since I don't know when I'm stuck in the Mekong Delta, and time keeps draggin' on But that Purple Heart collection is gonna get me home When I was first elected, my daddy told me son, You gotta raise their taxes, and take away their guns Life ain't easy in the Senate, when you're from the ruling class And never take a firm position, it'll only bite you in the -- I had...
November 26, 2004
Redneck Counterculture
Iowa Hawk has posted a hilarious paroday how blue state teenagers are rebelling against their parents by adopting a red state lifestyle. Here's a taste: "I'm not sure where we went wrong," says Ellen McCormack, nervously fondling the recycled paper cup holding her organic Kona soy latte. "It seems like only yesterday Rain was a carefree little boy at the Montessori school, playing non-competitive musical chairs with the other children and his care facilitators." "But now..." she pauses, staring out the window of her postmodern Palo Alto home. The words are hesitant, measured, bearing a tale of family heartbreak almost too painful for her to recount. "But now, Rain insists that I call him Bobby Ray." Even as her voice is choked with emotion, she summons an inner courage -- a mother's courage -- and leads me down the hall to "Bobby Ray's" bedroom, for a firsthand glimpse at the...
December 8, 2004
Lends Women What?
The Washington Post should hire better headline writers. On an article detailing a visit by California's governator to a conference on women and families, which he sponsored, the Post titled the article thusly: Schwarzenegger Lends Women His Muscle I'm sorry, but given the treatment Schwarzenegger got from the press during the last weekend of his recall election, that headline conjured up something completely different than what the article delivered. Instead, William Booth writes dishy, somewhat gossipy coverage of a routine political event, one in which Arnold's friend and co-star enthusiastically supported his outlook on women's issues: All those accusations of unwelcome gropes in hostile work environments? A distant memory of a recent unpleasantness, it seems. Because when the actress Jamie Lee Curtis introduced California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger at his Conference on Women and Families here on Tuesday, the audience of 10,000 -- about 9,995 of them female -- gave the...
December 21, 2004
The Definition Of Insanity ...
... is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. (via Instapundit and Shot In The Dark) UPDATE: I thought this might be too good to be true, and according to eagle-eyed CQ readers in the comments, it is. It's still pretty danged funny, regardless. According to Snopes, the first crane toppling in is real, but the second is a Photoshop job....
January 26, 2005
To Be Or Not, Homey
Andrew Lloyd Webber, the creator of a string of hit musicals that have delighted audiences around the globe, reportedly wants to sell his four West End theaters, and one of the people interested in buying them is American Sean "Puffy" Combs. Rumor has it that Combs wants to convert the theaters into hip-hop nightclubs. However, in the best traditions of British satire, Alexis Petridis writes a howler of a parody about what P. Diddy might do with the jewels of West End theater in The Guardian: The season, entitled We Invented the Theatre, contains what Combs describes as "classic drama, adapted by one of the all-time great hip-hop lyricists, producers and performers - I mention no names - to reflect the hustle and the game in 2005. We got 'Tis Pity She's a Ho. We got Hamlet, but we kind of moved the action from Denmark to NYC, and shifted...
February 17, 2005
Scandal! Captain Ed's Past Comes Back To Haunt Him
I just KNEW that my higher profile would result in embarassing revelations about my past. Now I have heard that my (former) blog associate Peter Cook at Slublog has unearthed photographic evidence of a shameful period in my life. The worst part of this, of course, is that Hugh Hewitt is the studliest-looking guy in the entire group ... UPDATE: Okay, it's established that I have the "coolest hat", and that I gave lousy directions to the baseball bat-bearing thugs. Keep checking the windows, Peter ......
March 13, 2005
A Good Laugh Now And Then
I don't spend a lot of time on entertainment sites when surfing the Internet except for IMDB when researching data on movies. I prefer to spend my time reading and writing about weightier topics, which gives me plenty of entertainment all on its own. However, my son and his friends have a favorite website called Homestar Runner, which really has so much fun packed into one spot that I could spend all day there. The site has a complex series of running cartoon characters, none of which I really understand (I think that one has to have a Star Trek-like devotion to it to really understand it all), but my favorite is StrongBad. If you want a taste of the silly, satirical, and devastating humor, try going to Strongbad's e-mail page. This one in particular skewers radio and is so funny that I had tears rolling down my cheeks. Make...
May 6, 2005
It's An Extremely Claustrophobic World
If you missed Hugh Hewitt's show last night, you missed one of the funniest and strangely compelling endings to a radio broadcast ever. Hugh broadcast his show from Disneyland yesterday as the granddaddy of theme parks celebrates its 50th anniversary this month. Despite being the best political talk show on radio, Hugh likes to spice it up occasionally by switching to fun locales and covering cultural topics -- and when he does, you can expect him to come up with a way to torture his producer, Generalissimo Duane, in some novel and hilarious way ... hilarious to us, of course. This time, Hugh came up with the fabulous idea of sending Duane through the slow-boat ride, It's A Small World. Those of us who have been to Disneyland on multiple occasions -- I grew up in nearby Cerritos and literally lived next door to it for two periods of my...
July 16, 2005
Dafydd: WHO are YOU?
According to this, I'm Jean-Luc Picard. Hindrocket over at Power Line is Yoda, as is Hugh Hewitt; and Lileks is Duke Paul Atreides from the Frank Herbert novel Dune. I'm not sure what any of this means; but there's a free meal in here somewhere, and I'm going to find it. UPDATE: I'm married to Yoda. Hm... maybe that should be "Yodette."...
July 18, 2005
Dafydd: Bear Flag League Reception and Hootenanny
As predicted, a fine time was had by all, except for those who got lost, never finding the joint due to the wretchedly error-ridden directions. Some attendees, however, mistrusting the geographical abilities of bloggers, thought to look up the route on the map and arrived undetoured. Relying entirely upon my world-famous memory (and this "agenda" sheet of paper I hijacked back home with me), I shall post here a brief and entirely serious precis of the highlights of the Bear Flag League reception. If serious, sober-minded reporting of such a momentous occasion as this yanks your crank, read on. The management warrant that no outright fabrications will be found in the following dissertation. Everything is true, including the orgiastic fertility rites and the sacrifice of a llama following the event. Special Note: All times are approximated to within 3.825 minutes, due to obscured view of the sun....
Continue reading "Dafydd: Bear Flag League Reception and Hootenanny" »
July 24, 2005
Dafydd: Word War III
All right, I confess: being a math geek, I actually love polls to death. I love nearly everything about them... especially the game of taking some tendentious poll and trying to tease out what's really going on beneath all the thud & blunder. And boy, did I run across a doozy yesterday! How's this for a headline? Poll: Americans Say World War III Likely by Will Lester AP Jul 23, 2005, 4:01 PM (ET) WASHINGTON (AP) - Americans are far more likely than the Japanese to expect another world war in their lifetime, according to AP-Kyodo polling 60 years after World War II ended. Most people in both countries believe the first use of a nuclear weapon is never justified. What caught my eye like a free-swinging fish hook [eeew] was the comparison between Japanese and Americans. Why such a huge difference? Six in 10 Americans said they think such...
July 31, 2005
Dafydd: Flipper the Duck
Patterico has noticed an astonishing claim by Howard Dean -- no, I mean astonishing even on the Dean Scale -- a few days ago (I can't find the exact date). Here comes Mr. Chairman: The president and his right-wing Supreme Court think it is "okay" to have the government take your house if they feel like putting a hotel where your house is. Let us all ponder this audacious argument. My old dictionary defines "chutzpah" as Lizzie Borden pleading for mercy from the judge on grounds that she's an orphan. But next year's edition will eschew written examples in favor of a photo of Chairman Dean. What Dean has done, of course, is simply to flip the political identity of the justices on the Court; in Dean's world, it was the "right-wing" caucus on the Court -- Stevens, Breyer, Ginsburg, Souter, and Kennedy -- that ruled in favor of the...
March 3, 2006
Great Moments In Advertising
As I drove the First Mate home from her dialysis session on Wednesday evening, I almost drove off the road when I passed a billboard along the highway outside of the office. It was so peculiar that I took my camera along today when I picked her up and took a picture of the advertisement: What the hell is "Mr. Happy Crack"? What advertising genius thought that sounded like a good name for a corporate mascot? I read the sign to the FM, who needed a good laugh. We speculated on all of the products or services that might best be represented by a Mr. Happy Crack mascot, and no profession we could imagine would need or want to put up a billboard avertisement. I'm sure the company itself is a fine establishment with an excellent staff and great customer service ... but I find it hard to believe that...
April 15, 2006
Well, He Beat Me At Texas Hold'Em
Mitch Berg points with pride to his high score on a grammar and language skills test on OKCupid, so I figured I'd check it out for myself. You can see the results below: English Genius You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 100% Expert! You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go! Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it! For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/. My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:You scored higher than 54% on BeginnerYou scored higher than 34% on IntermediateYou scored higher than 61% on AdvancedYou scored higher than 92% on...
April 25, 2006
CQ Headline Services!
Nathan Goulding at the National Review's Media Blog caught a couple of interesting captions for pictures of Osama bin Laden at AP and Agence France-Presse yesterday. The captioners did world-class gymnastics to avoid referring to the al-Qaeda leader as a terrorist. Instead, both wire services called bin Laden a "Saudi dissident," which somehow implies that the mastermind of attacks that have killed thousands of people has some moral equivalency with Natan Scharansky. Nathan decided to see how well the blogosphere and its readers could emulate the example given by our older siblings in the media, and I submitted entries for both pictures. I wound up with one winning entry, while a Media Blog reader took the other honors. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did....
July 13, 2006
Get A Call From Zed, Jan, Sam, And Damon
For CQ readers who love their daily dose of Day By Day, Chris Muir's excellent cartoon, he now has a clever new way to deliver his trenchant commentary directly to you. You can follow the exploits of the blogosphere's favorite foursome on your cell phone, starting immediately: SmashPhone, a mobile phone comic strip network, today announced it’s bringing Amy DeZeller’s Dating Amy and Chris Muir’s Day by Day comic strips to mobile phones everywhere. Viewers can access the SmashPhone Comic Strip Network through Verizon, Cingular, Sprint, T-Mobile and many other carriers. The comics are served by SmashPhone for free (although phone company data charges may apply). “I’m excited to be included by SmashPhone,” says Dating Amy author Amy DeZellar. “I think it's the first time a book has been promoted this way.” DeZellar is the author of the hilarious blog-turned-memoir Dating Amy that tracks DeZellar’s experiences dating fifty men over...
July 20, 2006
MST3K Fans, Take Heart -- Mike Nelson Returns!
For those fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 who have had a gaping hole in their lives ever since it went off the air, good news has come our way. Mike Nelson, the creative genius behind MST3K and a good friend of the Northern Alliance -- and a really nice guy -- has launched a new project that promises to fill that gap, and more. Mike has launched the beta version of Rifftrax, a clever way to have an MST3K experience on demand. Mike will create podcasts that match up with our favorite films (meaning our favorite cheesefests), designed to be played along with a DVD that the viewer rents or buys. The site will eventually have downloads of many films, but right now Rifftrax users can download Mike's commentary for Roadhouse, a Patrick Swayze laugher that somehow included Ben Gazzara and Sam Elliot. (It also has Kelly Lynch, which...
August 6, 2006
Breaking News: Adnan Hajj Spots Raul Castro!
Breaking news -- must credit Adnan Hajj! The reclusive relief pitcher for Fidel Castro has finally made a public appearance. He's seen in this Adnan Hajj photograph, bravely defying the West and standing with his revolutionary brothers in Beirut: You can see Raul there in the bottom right quadrant, peeking out from behind the buildings of Beirut. The Cuban people will thrill with pride to see Dear Placeholder fighting against the imperialists. He's bigger than they remembered, too ......
October 9, 2006
The Farce Is Strong With This One
CQ reader Consabo decided that we needed a moment to lighten up, and he sent this parody of Star Wars now appearing on YouTube. Normally I don't go in for too much of the parodies on the site, but this one is simply too good to let pass unremarked. If you wonder what happened behind the scenes of the Galactic Empire, this short movie explains everything (rated TV-14, I'd say): Hope you enjoy the brief moment of geekery here at CQ!...
October 31, 2006
The Fresca Smear
Only seven days remain of my campaign to garner enough write-in votes to win election as the Mayor of Eagan. My brutal schedule had me talking with a guy in Eagan about my candidacy just a couple of days ago, and then again today. I was busy lining up campaign appearances at the grocery store and my local Best Buy (in the DVD section), when I came across this post at IMAO: I'm sorry to disappoint, but I have no evidence that Glenn Reynolds is gay. While it is a well known fact that Glenn Reynolds murders hobos, it has hardly ever been suggested that he has sex with them first (or afterwards). Also, while puppy smoothies are a well known aphrodisiac in the gay community, it's not as solid an indicator of gayness as seeing a guy drink Fresca. Fresca? Why, I've enjoyed the grapefruit-enhanced taste of Fresca since...
December 19, 2006
What Happened To Fruitcake?
Remember when people gave each other fruitcake for Christmas? No one ever ate it, of course, but we all gave it like it was manna from heaven. Even if the fruitcake inevitably exited the house in much the same condition it entered -- harder, perhaps, but intact -- at least it didn't come pre-ingested: In this season of strange presents from relatives, Dorothy Ferreira got a doozy the other day from her 82-year-old sister in Waterloo, Iowa. It was ugly. It weighed four pounds. There was no receipt in the box. Inside she found what looked like a gnarled, funky candle but could actually be a huge hunk of petrified whale vomit worth as much as $18,000. “I called my sister and asked her, ‘What the heck did you send me?’ ” recalled Ms. Ferreira, 67, who has lived here on the eastern tip of Long Island since 1982. “She...
August 24, 2007
Attempting To Bridge The Real Internet Divide
I've been meaning to test the new CQ design with a YouTube presentation but just hadn't gotten around to it. This one should do nicely. It uses South Park animation to address the most bitter divide on the Internet, and reaches a conclusion that will satisy both sides. Hope you enjoy!...
About
Ed Morrissey has blogged at Captain's Quarters since 2003, and has a daily radio show at BlogTalkRadio, where he serves as Political Director. Called "Captain Ed" by his readers, Ed is a father and grandfather living in the Twin Cities area of Minnesota, a native Californian who moved to the North Star State because of the weather.
My Other Blog
The Crows Nest
Attempting To Bridge The Real Internet Divide
I've been meaning to test the new CQ design with a YouTube presentation but just hadn't gotten around to it. This one should do nicely. It uses South Park animation to address the most bitter divide on the Internet, and reaches a conclusion that will satisy both sides. Hope you enjoy!
What Happened To Fruitcake?
Remember when people gave each other fruitcake for Christmas? No one ever ate it, of course, but we all gave it like it was manna from heaven. Even if the fruitcake inevitably exited the house in much the same condition it entered -- harder, perhaps, but intact -- at least it didn't come pre-ingested:
In this season of strange presents from relatives, Dorothy Ferreira got a doozy the other day from her 82-year-old sister in Waterloo, Iowa. It was ugly. It weighed four pounds. There was no receipt in the box.Inside she found what looked like a gnarled, funky candle but could actually be a huge hunk of petrified whale vomit worth as much as $18,000.
“I called my sister and asked her, ‘What the heck did you send me?’ ” recalled Ms. Ferreira, 67, who has lived here on the eastern tip of Long Island since 1982. “She said: ‘I don’t know, but I found it on the beach in Montauk 50 years ago and just kept it around. You’re the one who lives by the ocean; ask someone out there what it is.’ ”
And just when one would think this story gets weird enough, it turns out that the reason whale vomit gets that much attention and cash is because it's particularly valuable ... for perfumes. Ambergris has commanded large amounts of money and is fairly rare, which means that Ferreira may have been given a four-pound lottery ticket. Only two problems remain for Ferreira: no one can find an ambergris expert any more to identify it, and its sale is forbidden in most cases due to anti-whaling laws.
I think I'd prefer the fruitcake. It's just as inedible, but I don't need to hire a non-existent expert to tell me that.
The Fresca Smear
Only seven days remain of my campaign to garner enough write-in votes to win election as the Mayor of Eagan. My brutal schedule had me talking with a guy in Eagan about my candidacy just a couple of days ago, and then again today. I was busy lining up campaign appearances at the grocery store and my local Best Buy (in the DVD section), when I came across this post at IMAO:
I'm sorry to disappoint, but I have no evidence that Glenn Reynolds is gay. While it is a well known fact that Glenn Reynolds murders hobos, it has hardly ever been suggested that he has sex with them first (or afterwards). Also, while puppy smoothies are a well known aphrodisiac in the gay community, it's not as solid an indicator of gayness as seeing a guy drink Fresca.
Fresca? Why, I've enjoyed the grapefruit-enhanced taste of Fresca since I was a young lad! If this got out, it could doom my efforts to win election. I decided to do a little misdirection and throw my political opponents off track. I visited a kindergarten classroom earlier in the day and told the children that if they listened to their teachers and parents and cleaned up well after fingerpainting, they would succeed in life -- otherwise they'd end up as a Senator from Massachussetts. And Lord knows how embarrassing that can get.
Anyway, I think I dodged a real bullet with the Fresca issue, and it's a good thing, too. I planned to talk to a couple of people at the local Subway this weekend about my candidacy, and having to explain the Fresca in my hand would just slow my momentum. With any luck, I may roll up as many as fourteen write-in votes, after which I can enjoy a nice cold Fresca in celebration.
But don't say anything to anybody in the meantime.
UPDATE: My Canadian connections offer some advice; John from Newsbeat1 suggests that I get some electronic voting machines to help seal my victory. I'd try that, but the last time I did, they made me clean all the displays from where I wrote my name. With Fresca, actually.
UPDATE II: You think the folks at Fresca might send me a free case with all of these links?
The Farce Is Strong With This One
CQ reader Consabo decided that we needed a moment to lighten up, and he sent this parody of Star Wars now appearing on YouTube. Normally I don't go in for too much of the parodies on the site, but this one is simply too good to let pass unremarked. If you wonder what happened behind the scenes of the Galactic Empire, this short movie explains everything (rated TV-14, I'd say):
Hope you enjoy the brief moment of geekery here at CQ!
Breaking News: Adnan Hajj Spots Raul Castro!
Breaking news -- must credit Adnan Hajj!
The reclusive relief pitcher for Fidel Castro has finally made a public appearance. He's seen in this Adnan Hajj photograph, bravely defying the West and standing with his revolutionary brothers in Beirut:
You can see Raul there in the bottom right quadrant, peeking out from behind the buildings of Beirut. The Cuban people will thrill with pride to see Dear Placeholder fighting against the imperialists. He's bigger than they remembered, too ...
MST3K Fans, Take Heart -- Mike Nelson Returns!
For those fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 who have had a gaping hole in their lives ever since it went off the air, good news has come our way. Mike Nelson, the creative genius behind MST3K and a good friend of the Northern Alliance -- and a really nice guy -- has launched a new project that promises to fill that gap, and more.
Mike has launched the beta version of Rifftrax, a clever way to have an MST3K experience on demand. Mike will create podcasts that match up with our favorite films (meaning our favorite cheesefests), designed to be played along with a DVD that the viewer rents or buys. The site will eventually have downloads of many films, but right now Rifftrax users can download Mike's commentary for Roadhouse, a Patrick Swayze laugher that somehow included Ben Gazzara and Sam Elliot. (It also has Kelly Lynch, which seems about right for this classic cheeseball.)
Give it a try, and also don't forget to vote for your choice as Rifftrax's second feature. I chose Showgirls, which desperately needs the Mike Nelson touch. Leave your feedback on how it works, and keep checking back for more commentaries! (via Fraters Libertas)
Get A Call From Zed, Jan, Sam, And Damon
For CQ readers who love their daily dose of Day By Day, Chris Muir's excellent cartoon, he now has a clever new way to deliver his trenchant commentary directly to you. You can follow the exploits of the blogosphere's favorite foursome on your cell phone, starting immediately:
SmashPhone, a mobile phone comic strip network, today announced it’s bringing Amy DeZeller’s Dating Amy and Chris Muir’s Day by Day comic strips to mobile phones everywhere. Viewers can access the SmashPhone Comic Strip Network through Verizon, Cingular, Sprint, T-Mobile and many other carriers. The comics are served by SmashPhone for free (although phone company data charges may apply).“I’m excited to be included by SmashPhone,” says Dating Amy author Amy DeZellar. “I think it's the first time a book has been promoted this way.” DeZellar is the author of the hilarious blog-turned-memoir Dating Amy that tracks DeZellar’s experiences dating fifty men over a two year period. Dating Amy, the book, is published by Warner Book’s 5-Spot imprint that’s targeted toward “chicks with brains” and is available in bookstores everywhere. Dating Amy, the cartoon, is a limited edition created by author Amy DeZellar and artist Kate Lint.
Chris Muir’s Day by Day comic strip is based on each day’s political events. How's that for topical? This shoot-from-the-hip toon follows four characters and their reactions to news and thoughts of the day. Day by Day garnered 12,000 loyal daily readers by encouraging websites to embed the daily comic strip freely. “Comic strips have to be on mobile,” says Muir. “It’s adapt or die! All the market growth is on phones, especially with kids and comic strips.” Muir said he chose SmashPhone because they can reach more phones than anyone else (over 1.2B phones).
Now we can dial up some fun!
CQ Headline Services!
Nathan Goulding at the National Review's Media Blog caught a couple of interesting captions for pictures of Osama bin Laden at AP and Agence France-Presse yesterday. The captioners did world-class gymnastics to avoid referring to the al-Qaeda leader as a terrorist. Instead, both wire services called bin Laden a "Saudi dissident," which somehow implies that the mastermind of attacks that have killed thousands of people has some moral equivalency with Natan Scharansky.
Nathan decided to see how well the blogosphere and its readers could emulate the example given by our older siblings in the media, and I submitted entries for both pictures. I wound up with one winning entry, while a Media Blog reader took the other honors. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
Well, He Beat Me At Texas Hold'Em
Mitch Berg points with pride to his high score on a grammar and language skills test on OKCupid, so I figured I'd check it out for myself. You can see the results below:
| English Genius You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 100% Expert! |
| You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!
Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it! For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/. |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test |
You realize that this is my revenge for Mitch humiliating me in Texas Hold 'Em ...
Great Moments In Advertising
As I drove the First Mate home from her dialysis session on Wednesday evening, I almost drove off the road when I passed a billboard along the highway outside of the office. It was so peculiar that I took my camera along today when I picked her up and took a picture of the advertisement:
What the hell is "Mr. Happy Crack"? What advertising genius thought that sounded like a good name for a corporate mascot? I read the sign to the FM, who needed a good laugh. We speculated on all of the products or services that might best be represented by a Mr. Happy Crack mascot, and no profession we could imagine would need or want to put up a billboard avertisement.
I'm sure the company itself is a fine establishment with an excellent staff and great customer service ... but I find it hard to believe that they can utter the company motto ("A dry crack is a Happy Crack!") with a straight face.
UPDATE: I'm informed by CQ reader Leo T that Mr. Happy Crack is already something of a cultural phenomenon. I guess this is what I get for watching the news instead of Jay Leno.
Dafydd: Flipper the Duck
Patterico has noticed an astonishing claim by Howard Dean -- no, I mean astonishing even on the Dean Scale -- a few days ago (I can't find the exact date).
Here comes Mr. Chairman:
The president and his right-wing Supreme Court think it is "okay" to have the government take your house if they feel like putting a hotel where your house is.
Let us all ponder this audacious argument. My old dictionary defines "chutzpah" as Lizzie Borden pleading for mercy from the judge on grounds that she's an orphan. But next year's edition will eschew written examples in favor of a photo of Chairman Dean.
What Dean has done, of course, is simply to flip the political identity of the justices on the Court; in Dean's world, it was the "right-wing" caucus on the Court -- Stevens, Breyer, Ginsburg, Souter, and Kennedy -- that ruled in favor of the city of New London, CT, in the Kelo case; while the "left-wingers" (Scalia, Thomas, Rehnquist, and O'Connor) desperately tried to stick up for the little guy. It's Howard Dean through the looking glass!
Patterico has also noticed the thundering sound of a million crickets chirping in the MSM auditorium; or as Paul Simon (the successful singer, not the lefty senator) wrote, the "sounds of silence." It's hard to imagine so many quiet noises if it had been Bill Frist or Tom DeLay who casually flipped left and right; Dana Milbank in particular would have gotten at least four op-eds out of it.
In honor of Howard "Flipper" Dean, herewith, offered for your approval:
They call him Flipper, Flipper, quick to the cameras,
No-one you've seen, spins faster than Dean,
And we know Flipper, lives in a media bubble,
Truth lies in rubble, watch Howard preen!
MSM loves the king of the twist,
Tripe that he shoves they cannot resist,
Tricks he will do when cameras appear,
Sneer, smirk, slither, and smear!
He's a hot tipper, Flipper, makes the news fright'ning,
Giddy they seem with "I Have a Scream,"
They know their Flipper feeds them the soundbites to plotz for,
Cheap dirty shots whore, he's on their team!
Dafydd: Word War III
All right, I confess: being a math geek, I actually love polls to death.
I love nearly everything about them... especially the game of taking some tendentious poll and trying to tease out what's really going on beneath all the thud & blunder. And boy, did I run across a doozy yesterday!
How's this for a headline?
Poll: Americans Say World War III Likely
by Will Lester
AP
Jul 23, 2005, 4:01 PM (ET)
WASHINGTON (AP) - Americans are far more likely than the Japanese to expect another world war in their lifetime, according to AP-Kyodo polling 60 years after World War II ended. Most people in both countries believe the first use of a nuclear weapon is never justified.
What caught my eye like a free-swinging fish hook [eeew] was the comparison between Japanese and Americans. Why such a huge difference?
Six in 10 Americans said they think such a war is likely, while only one-third of the Japanese said so, according to polling done in both countries for The Associated Press and Kyodo, the Japanese news service.
According to my wife Sachi, who is Japanese, there is a lot less political variation among Japanese than among Americans. There are Japanese Communists, of course; a lot more than here. And there are true "right-wingers" who still yearn for the emperor to seize control and turn Japan back into an imperial-military dictatorship.
But both of those extremes added together are still a very tiny percent of the population, not likely to show up in a typical poll of 1,000 respondents. Outside that fringe, Japanese political opinion is much flatter than in America.
So my suspicion -- in the absence of any real data in the AP article about the actual poll results -- is that the Japanese response of 33% was likely across the board, whether the Japanese places himself to the left or the right of the political centerline (mathematically, I predict a very low standard deviation).
But let's turn to the American side. How on earth do we get 60% of Americans convinced that World War III is just around the corner?
The rest of this post is numbers, numbers, numbers... so if you took your Sociology or English Lit degree precisely to avoid those squirmy little figures, don't continue reading this post!
Dafydd: Bear Flag League Reception and Hootenanny
As predicted, a fine time was had by all, except for those who got lost, never finding the joint due to the wretchedly error-ridden directions. Some attendees, however, mistrusting the geographical abilities of bloggers, thought to look up the route on the map and arrived undetoured.
Relying entirely upon my world-famous memory (and this "agenda" sheet of paper I hijacked back home with me), I shall post here a brief and entirely serious precis of the highlights of the Bear Flag League reception.
If serious, sober-minded reporting of such a momentous occasion as this yanks your crank, read on. The management warrant that no outright fabrications will be found in the following dissertation. Everything is true, including the orgiastic fertility rites and the sacrifice of a llama following the event.
Special Note: All times are approximated to within 3.825 minutes, due to obscured view of the sun.
Dafydd: WHO are YOU?
According to this, I'm Jean-Luc Picard.
Hindrocket over at Power Line is Yoda, as is Hugh Hewitt; and Lileks is Duke Paul Atreides from the Frank Herbert novel Dune.
I'm not sure what any of this means; but there's a free meal in here somewhere, and I'm going to find it.
UPDATE: I'm married to Yoda. Hm... maybe that should be "Yodette."
It's An Extremely Claustrophobic World
If you missed Hugh Hewitt's show last night, you missed one of the funniest and strangely compelling endings to a radio broadcast ever. Hugh broadcast his show from Disneyland yesterday as the granddaddy of theme parks celebrates its 50th anniversary this month. Despite being the best political talk show on radio, Hugh likes to spice it up occasionally by switching to fun locales and covering cultural topics -- and when he does, you can expect him to come up with a way to torture his producer, Generalissimo Duane, in some novel and hilarious way ... hilarious to us, of course.
This time, Hugh came up with the fabulous idea of sending Duane through the slow-boat ride, It's A Small World. Those of us who have been to Disneyland on multiple occasions -- I grew up in nearby Cerritos and literally lived next door to it for two periods of my adult life -- know that Small World is only good for two purposes once you're past 8 years of age: putting the smaller kids to sleep at the end of the day, and giving your tired feet a rest.
Neither of these purposes require fifty consecutive trips through the ride, listening to the oh-so-catchy theme song until you're driven crazy by its unbearable cheeriness. However, Duane details on Radioblogger exactly that mission, and how Hugh sadistically finished off what was left of his sanity in the show's final moments. The First Mate and I laughed so hard at Duane's desperation that tears were streaming down our cheeks. (Sorry, Duane, but it was brilliant radio.) He also has pictures, but surprisingly omits the ones where he strangles Hugh in his sleep. Be sure to read the entire post.
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